Bring on the Rain

[SueS]

Hello Everyone!

Well, let's see, where to start.

My BIL, SIL, niece.....and FIL (didn't know he was coming) arrived on Sat. evening. SIL & I sat in my bedroom watchng tv and chatting for a long time. H kept lurking....coming in about 7-8 times for very silly reasons. Obviously to see what the conversation was. SIL is having a tough time too, so it was nice to have her to talk to.

Sat. night, BIL & H went out and got way beyond drunk. It really scares me that either one of them drove home. I've seen H come home drunk a lot, but it's been a long time since I've seen him this bad. He'd fallen somewhere and cut his nose, scraped his face. He had blood all over his shirt & pants. They both had problems finding the "facilities" when they got home & had to be turned in the right direction. The worst part was H came into our bedroom & D3 and I were laying there. I couldn't scoop D3 out of the way fast enough & he laid on her. She started crying. I slapped him, but he didn't realize what was going on. I took D3 and we slept in her room. I was not surprised that this happened, but extremely upset. And yes, I did let H know what happened the next day.....he didn't say anything.

On Sunday my SIL, niece, D3 and I got ready & went to the Mall of America. (If anyone wants to visit me, I'm only about 5 minutes away!!) Most of the stores were closed but the amusement park area was open so the girls got to go on some rides. I went on the swings with D3. She was laughing & smiling. Mommy was petrified. I'm not one for rides and so when we started going higher & faster my knuckles were white!! When we got home, H had dinner ready for all of us. It was a very, very quiet dinner. BIL & SIL aren't talking at all. I tried to make conversation, but not a lot was said. Although H has accused me of not wanting to admit that our marriage is over, he refuses to tell his father. So, H (although assisted by alcohol), played nice the past few days, even calling me honey & showing affection. No need to get excited about that though, as H & I had a R talk on Sunday morning & at this point have decided that we are done.

Through a still somewhat alcohol induced mood on Sunday morning, H tried to get "frisky" with me. I declined and H got into one of his....."Okay fine, I won't touch you then", kind of moods. My response was.....H, when have you even wanted to touch me lately or wanted me to touch you? He start in on me a bit about things. I asked him when he was going to tell me what his plans were. He told me that I should know, as he'd asked me last week if I'd found a place. Anyway, after going back & forth, he told me that he'd be moving in with a friend and then likely he and OW would find a place and move in together. He was a bigger a$$ to me than normal when the subject came up of how much I could afford for a rental. He said he could hook me up with a roommate. I didn't know what he was talking about at first and then realized he meant OW's H. I got angry and told him how incredibly sh*tty that was to say. He said, you are right. I never should have said that and I knew it when it came out of my mouth. He also told me that he'd apologize for everything but didn't think I would accept it. I told him that it would be nice to know that he acknowledges that he hurt me. He said he does know that. He still insists that OW has nothing to do with our problems. I told him that although we had issues before, again, her in our lives & him dedicating himself to her threw any changes of reconciliation for us out the window. He doesn't see her involvement as an issue. I know, I'm not surprised by this. I asked him when he thought he'd be moving. He said....our lease is up end of July, unless something can be done earlier. I told him that after D3's birthday (this Sat.) he and I will sit down and go over what he wants & what I want. He told me that I could keep everything.

During this whole deal, H kept telling me that I can't admit that I don't love him anymore. I told him that even though we may not have been meant to spend the rest of our lives together doesn't mean that I'm not entitled to my feelings and entitled to feel pain. I told him that it still hurts a lot to have 17 years together end.

H & I also got into things about D3. We started talking about her and he tried to push my buttons by asking why I thought he shouldn't try to get custody of her. He told me that he's taken care of her just as much as I have. I snickered & he didn't like that. At that point we got into it about his possibly moving to CA. He told me that, yes, he was thinking about moving, but not right away. He told me that he loves his job and that they have an office in the area he wants to live in. He said that he's told me before that he wants to move back out there and that he will be doing it, with or without someone. He also hinted (pushing buttons again) that maybe he'd have D3 with him. I told him that he could not move with her without my permission. Then he asked if I'd ever want to move back out there. WTF??? He asked,.....why wouldn't you want to?....then we'd all be in the same area and both have her.

We talked about a few more things and then he walked over and hugged me. This man hasn't hugged me in months. I couldn't help it....I broke down crying.

Oh yeah, and the rest of the day, any chance H had, when I was in our bedroom, he shut the door and cornered me to try for sex. Yeah, after all that and after again professing his love for OW, he tried.....several times to have sex with me.

So.......I know my M is slowly ending. There's no question about it. My heart is STILL having a hard time with it, but my mind is telling me that it is the right thing. Especially after seeing H in the condition he was in the other night. There are so many things that I will no longer have to worry about. His not calling....coming home at 2:00 am.....drunken nights.....his temper.....his selfishness (well, I'll still have to see some of it)......him emailing OW constantly on the weekend, the bottle of "performance" enhancers......on and on and on....

This is not the best day for me. I'm tired and my M is all but dead. However, I did see two beautiful sights this morning. D3 sleeping so peacfully....and a rainbow.

Well, time to get busy. I have work to do!

Have a great day....or evening....wherever you are!

SueS

[Sara]

Sue,

Wow! I'm sorry. What a horrible weekend! Let me get this straight. A man who comes home so drunk he lies down on top of his child wants to know why he doesn't deserve custody of her? Perhaps a judge can explain it in a way that he understands.

[SueS]

Sara-

Yes, I asked myself the same question! I think there are a lot of things that need to be explained to H in a way he might understand. You know, I love my BIL. He's always been good to me. I HATE the way he treats his wife though. She's one tough cookie though. Anyway, as H & I were having our brief conversation about whether or not they were coming to see us, I could see in his expressions & hear in his voice that he (and his brother) STILL do not see their faults and what they have done wrong......still see these issues as mine & SIL's......what we've done wrong. To hear H tell the story, you'd think I never gave him sex, love, affection.....anything. Yes, I had a hard time after having a baby. I always said...ILY, always gave hugs, kisses. Sex wasn't as much as H wanted, but I rarely denied him. Again, it's all about him! He told me yesterday.....Well, I guess this is all my fault. I told him...H, AGAIN, I know I made mistakes but you won't accept my apology for those and try to let me work things out with you.

Hope your foot is better!

SueS

[JoieDeVivre]

Sue,
(((((((((((( BEAR HUGS TO YOU AND D3 )))))))))))))))

He is so lucky he didn't get busted Saturday night -- or worse! He must have had an angel sitting on his shoulder or something.

I asked him when he was going to tell me what his plans were. He told me that I should know as he'd asked me last week if I'd found a place.

I don't get how him asking you if you'd found a place to live told you of his plans. He needed to have had that conversation with you awhile ago. He never did. He was putting it off, sneaking around, etc. Coward!

And thumbs up to you for not giving in to his ML advances. Is he whacked or what? After all the D talk, etc., he wants to ML? HUH?!

And a great rainbow quote, since you mentioned you saw one: Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.

Appropriate, huh?

Joie

[Yoyowife]

((((((Sues)))))

Your H's fog is very thick, isn't it? You do not deserve what he is giving you. You are a strong wonderful woman, good for you for standing up for yourself. I think a separation is definitely needed for you and your DD. Please take care of yourself.

Hugs,

[SueS]

Joie & Yoyo-

Hi ladies......hope you're both doing well today. Life is just very strange right now. I just keep holding on to D3 for dear life giving her all the hugs and kisses she'll let me give.

SIL wants to rent a car & go home to IN. She and my BIL aren't talking. BIL is at the Mayo clinic (1 & 1/2 hrs. south of me) by himself. He was being stubborn & took their vehicle himself to go to his appointments......refusing to let SIL or FIL go with him. So, FIL, SIL & niece are stuck at our place & bored as hell. I offered my vehicle if one of them would just drop me off at work. They didn't want to do that.

H didn't get home until 8:30 last night. He told me he'd be home around 7:30. I love his family, but this is HIS family and he should have made arrangements to be there with them.

I've told myself that each time I start to get all misty eyed about my M ending I need to remind myself of what I said I no longer want to live with. Mainly the drinking. My SIL asked if OW knows of H's drinking problem & his previous marriage and A. I told her that even if OW knows all that, she feels that SHE's the one he loves. SHE is the one that he'll change for. SHE is the one that will make a difference.......just as I did. What she doesn't know is how H got completely inebriated at his own mother's wake and threatened to hit me if I didn't stop at the liquor store on the way back to the hotel (with an 8-mo. old in the car). How he was drunk and arrested at a cousin's wedding. How when D3 was only a year old she and I had to drive 30 miles into Chicago at 10:30 pm to the United Center because H was drunk, had an argument with friends and was kicked out of a concert. How H passed out at a REM concert and missed all but about 2 songs. How H was drunk on both D3's baptism & 1st birthday. How my mom was AMAZED last fall because it was the first time she'd been around H that he hadn't been drinking. I can go on and on. When it comes down to it, as odd as it sounds, there are things about my "old" H that I will miss. I cannot, however, allow my daughter to live with his alcoholism. I lived with it with my father. I love my father, but his alcoholism has a lot to do with why I'm the type of person I am. I'm an enabler....always trying to smooth things out and make them better....even if it means allowing the bad behavior to continue regardless of whether it hurt me or not.

Well, I set up additional appointments to go look at apartments this weekend with my mom. I just have to keep looking at the positives in this. I know people may wonder what's positive about a D, but there has to be some out there.....there just has to be.

Have a great day!

SueS

[SweetRedd]

Hi Sue lots of insight in your last post. Anyone who might wonder what's positive about a D has not lived with an alcoholic. I can remember wondering as a child why my Mom didn't leave my father and take us out of the hell we were in. There was nothing scarier than realizing the man that should be taking care of me was out of control. If I couldn't depend on him, or depend on my Mom, who could I depend on? I've told the tale already, but it was just two years ago that I confronted the aftermath of my father's alcoholism and realized that I deserved to be loved, protected and cherished. Took me 39 years to learn that I didn't have to earn love, acceptance and respect because the only time my father gave love and acceptance was when it benefited him. I didn't even think I deserved his time and attention because he spent more time at a bar than home with me.. when he was home, he was either hungover, raising hell drunk, or having a pity party for himself. You know the drill.. I'm glad you recognize the pattern and want to break it in your D3's life.

Hang in there.. you sound strong!

Sheila

[SueS]

Sheila-

Thank you so much! You know, my H does have a good and loving person in him. I know he's not a complete monster. No matter how big of an enabler I am, I wouldn't have stayed for 17 years if there weren't good times. However, although my dad wasn't a mean or violent drunk, he was a sloppy drunk. I couldn't have friends over because my mom was worried about how he'd come home. I don't want D3 to have to worry about those things. I don't want her to disrepect me because I allowed her and I to stay in it. Now, my H IS the one ending this M and maybe I would have let it continue had he not had another A. Maybe this is God's way (no matter how painful) of making me stronger and getting me out of what he doesn't want me to be in any more. My grandfather was an alcoholic too. My mom and I.....the same type of people....enablers. Although I wondered why my mom stayed, I remember her standing up to my dad, telling him to get his a$$ to rehab or not come home. Those, later, she would tell me were the hardest things she ever had to do. It didn't stop him, but it let him know where she stood. If I'd only had her strength.

H loves D3 without a doubt. H is not an every day drinker. I have come to learn though that drinks and having fun in a lot of cases, does come before D3. And, that a person does not have to drink every day to have an alcohol problem. There are all kinds of differences in alcohol problems.

One positive....H is taking 1/2 day off today and taking D3 and our niece to the Zoo. It's a bit cool today, but there are a lot of indoor exhibits AND it's one of those decent days that they'll be able to see some outside things. He also suggested that we (us & his family) all go out for dinner tonight. Now, I could do as he does with my family and suggest that just they go. But you know what? I love his family and I will always be connected to them. It's a bit sad though. My FIL has been so quiet the past few days. You can see the look of hurt. He knows that things are not good between my SIL & BIL....and between H and I. Both his sons have marriages that are ending and I know he fears losing contact with his granddaughters. My SIL and I have promised each other that we will not let that happen.

Thanks! SueS

[fightingirish]

hi sue,

wow, just wow... you are doing great!! I know its been so hard for you, but look how far you have come!! it is so sad for a parent to see what a mess there own children have made (as adults that is!) thats good that you will remain in contact with him, its so important for them to have him in their life, no matter what went on with their father.

You are being the better person, and they see this, this soon will come crashing down on him, and he will one day soon regret it, but it will be too late.

good luck in finding an apartment, think of it as a new you, new life with D3.. new beginnings and you will find someone wonderful to share it with some day!!

[saffie]

Sue,

I think you are wonderful