Broken Tree WAW- MLC

[Essie]

Ouch! (Brandnewday)


Dearest Tree

You are a good man doing your best in a really really hard place. But what you are doing is not working -right?

So my ideas are: STOP - stop trying to save your marriage, stop trying to fix your wife, stop trying to figure out if you want to be married to W. Its all out of your control.

So what can you do instead?

The words are 'lovingly detach'.

What does that mean? - Firstly you do this because you love yourself, your wife and your kids. You dont do this because you want to 'pay back' or 'teach a lesson'.
Detach - meaning to separate yourself from W's anger, drama, tension, upset. You can do this while physically being present (and I agree with your thoughts that you should not be the one to leave at this stage).
Detach - withdraw so that you can reserve yourself, so that you can still be true to yourself and be OK. Find your inner mojo!

I know its hard but it will help you a millions times to be happier and more in control of yourself. You dont want to be swayed any longer about what W is thinking or doing. You want to be centered.

Replace all that time and energy that is currently going into worrying about how you are going to fix this mess, you should instead concentrate on you. I know in the start I had to break it up into blocks of 30 minutes. A 30 minute break where I did something I enjoyed.

You know what is really crazy? You are SO great, and W is the one missing out on you - not the other way around. You cant fix her but you can fix yourself so that you can draw her back to being attracted to you.

[brandnewday]

Essie,
Ouch?
How long does one have to sit back and watch him spinning like a top?
How long does one pussyfoot around?
The Man needs to get a grip,
get some focus
and stick with the program.

[Essie]

P.S You are doing great and you should be proud of yourself for even coming to this website and giving DB a go!

P.P.S - Retroville (spelling?) is another from of you trying to fix the relationship. If you ask her to go she will feel pressured, she is unlikely to get much out of it, and then she will have the ultimate excuse of 'I tried everything - BT is the one with the problem'.

Thinking of you!

[Broken Tree]

Essie, I think I love you! Thanks for the kind words. You are a very strong person and I admire that in you.

BND: I agree with some of the stuff you are saying, I am ready for you. What do you suggest at this point, what am I doing wrong that I can correct today.

[brandnewday]

BT,

Do you remember when you first started posting here and I told you that this was going to take a long time?

MLC is hard.

And....

It is not your problem.

You need to learn how to GAL without your wife.

You are going to have to turn a blind eye to her antics and not react, and act as it you don't give a damn.

Pretend she is a room-mate, not your wife.

Be civil, and courteous but do not invade her privacy, or ask her any questions, or ask where she is going.

You need to protect yourself financially also.

Your credit cards, the ones where you are the primary and she is an authorized user, remove her name.

Close accounts that you do not need.

Keep records of all bills, mortgage payments, etc.

Open an individual account for yourself and start saving.

I am not trying to scare you, but MLC'ers have absolutely no regard for anyone else except themselves.

They do not care about their future, and they become as irresponsible as teenagers.

And.....

DO NOT tell your wife you are doing this.

And if she is reading these posts, you had best act quickly.

She does not know she is in MLC.

So any idea of trying to sit down with her and explain things is a complete waste of time.

Trying to get her ot a councellor or a program is also a waste of time.

To her, her mind is made up and she will live her life however she damn well chooses to .

You will be the scapegoat for everything wrong in her life.

You will be the target of her anger.

Let me reiterate at this point.....

This is not your problem.

Your children are your concern.

They need one sane parent.

You must never bad mouth her to them.

They are not involved, so keep them out of it.

So how must you behave?

You are going to have a good attitude.

You are not going to get all mamby pamby or needy.

That type of behavior does not attract a Woman.

You are going to be strong.

You can vent here, but NEVER to her or her friends or family, EVER.

You are not going to let her under your skin.

The Woman you fell in love with is now on a mental vacation.

My Husband was in MLC for over 5 years.

It is hard, and painful and mentally challenging, BUT you can do this and you will get through to the other side.

MLC is not a death sentence and neither is Divorce.

Many people here have been dealing with the aftermath of MLC for a very long time.

Standing is not for everyone, but you have to choose one or the other.

Make a choice.

Stick to it.

Try it out.

You can always change your mind later.

I will let you absorb this for now, and then we can go over more tomorrow.

[Broken Tree]

well done BND. Did you ger Divorced?

[brandnewday]

BT,

I am not sure if you understood my post to you.
It wasn't about me.
It was about you.
I was trying to help you understand what MLC is.

And no, I didn't get Divorced.

[Broken Tree]

I totally understand that but you stated

"MLC is not a death sentence and neither is Divorce."

I thought by this statement that you were speaking from experience.

[brandnewday]

My Husband and I are reconciled.

[Broken Tree]

Great work BND.

Tonight has been great so far. Been sitiing and talking like human beings and everything. W made a wonderful dinner and 2 out of my 3 boys eat very calmly with us. AMAZING. Are these baby steps?