Forget about my plan. Let's see what we can come up with starting from scratch.
Guys, I am really scared. I feel like as long as I am dark, I can be hopeful. I am afraid if I break cover and get a negative response, it will "all be over." Intellectually I understand that even if he reacts to me negatively and says nasty things, I shouldn't give up hope, b/c many stories on the board tell of Rs that survived all kinds of vituperative bs from the WAS. But I am afraid.
I am afraid if I reach out, and he doesn't respond positively, what else will I have to try? Can you guys help me out with this? What else should I try if reaching out the first way I try to do it doesn't work? Maybe I will be less reluctant to try something if I feel like I have other things to try if that doesn't work.
I have *tons* of 180s to try in person if we were still interacting on a regular basis, or at the point where we were interacting again. But until that happens, I just have a list of ideas for gifts... not that that's the only thing I can do, just the only thing I can come up with.
My fantasy is that we just happen to run into each other when I am in a really happy place and I stun him with my good vibes and he realizes what he's missing.
ESSIE--TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS:
1. I think BF's love language is Touch and Quality Time. Really challenging to implement when we are not interacting. Also I think that's part of why things got so thorny once the long distance started. But he has really enjoyed gifts from me in the past, so I tried to brainstorm a bunch of them that were similar to what has worked before. (more of what works).
2. I totally hear what you're saying about tone of voice. I actually feel like it would be easier for me to show my changes if I got to see him in person more than anything, but that feels like making a big demand at this point. (Hopefully it will be less of a stretch later). Maybe I could send a voicemail, direct to voicemail so I don't have to worry about him picking up the phone, asking him if he still has the same address, because I would like to send him something, and then send him the funny card, perhaps with the beermaking instructions?
3. Have I wondered if he's really worth it-- I think my doubts are more acknowledging the possibility that there is something else in store for me, or that there is more growing for him and me to do individually before I make contact. Before the bombs he really and truly was my best friend and heart's companion. I really just want to be with him. That's where I'm at now.
4. How will the long distance work out? I am in ATL until the end of December 2008. After that my plan is to move back to Boston and do another degree. Boston is WAY closer to NYC-- in fact, B goes through Boston 1-4x per month on his way to his orchestra job in Maine. In the past, before the bombs, when I was thinking about transfering to Boston instead of finishing my degree and then moving back, he said, "Wow, if you move to Boston then I can stay with you instead of with my Boston friends when I need to spend the night in Boston on my way up to Maine." So-- at the rate things are moving, by the time I'm ready to leave ATL, I'll be headed somewhere much closer to where he is. At some point to really piece I think we would need to make the commitment not to do long distance again and make plans that include each other so we can both be pursuing our careers in the same place. But that is far in teh future.
Essie, don't ever worry about asking too many questions, or questions that are too pointed. You've never said anything that offended me. It is amazing that you, who I have never met in person, who lives on the other side of the planet, takes the time to read my posts and ask such thoughtful questions. It is extremely caring!!
Don't worry, you haven't been too direct. Be as direct as you want. Do you think I should contact him first to confirm his mailing address, and then send a card?
You are right... I have been focusing on working on my own issues, improving myself, practicing my new ways of being with others where the stakes are not so high, and figuring out how I contributed to the crisis myself. I have been DBing myself. But just myself.
I am afraid of his reaction. I still feel so much love for him. I am totally not over him! If I was I don't think I would be here. I am terrified to get out of my comfort zone. How do I do it without losing my S%^#?
It is always OK with me if you swim against the tide of opinion. Please always feel welcome to do that!
Just to clarify... I told him "I can't talk tonight, I want to talk to you soon, I need to talk to you soon. I'll contact you when I'm ready to talk and we can set something up." I think those were the words...
Part of my rationale for doing that was:
- I didn't know how to respond other than arguing with him that we should stay together and trying to convince him intellectually that I was willing to change/had already changed, and in the "webcam breakup conversation" I already tried to do that and it didn't work. It did not seem constructive to repeat the behavior so I decided to take some time and gather information, go to counseling, ask for advice from people in similar situations, read DB and a bunch of other books, so I could "act smart" instead of just "react". I didn't want to f up my chances by doing something stupid.
- In the very distant past, whenever someone broke up with me I would pursue them like crazy, to the point that I just exhausted whatever care I still had about that person until there was nothing left. For example: my last two Rs, which were both totally frivolous and unimportant compared with what I had with my B. After R #1, I gave up trying to be friends with exBF "a" and 4 months later he showed up on my dorm doorstep with a long letter asking me to be part of his life again. I was so tired of it all I didn't feel anything. After R #2, exBF "y" started acting like he wanted to reconcile but his words said that it was over. I was so tired of hoping and pushing that in the end I told him I didn't want him to be part of my life anymore, and I haven't talked to him since. All of that was a lonoonnnnngggg time ago. But I think part of me wanted to save my energy and also my love instead of flinging myself against a brick wall since it hadn't worked in the past and just killed my love for the ex.
- My B made it really clear that he would prefer just to "leave it" at that and "not be friends". So I was giving him what *he* wanted by not pursuing him. This is unlike me, so it was a 180.
- I am almost positive he expected me to contact him and/or try to see him in person soon after the bomb. Me not doing so was another 180... because I wasn't doing what he would expect.
After the bomb I was confused because I felt the urge to fight for the R, but also my intuition kept telling me to stay still and not make a move. It took me a while to realize that actually letting him be was maybe the best way for me to fight for the R.
Then, I spent 4-6 weeks working on an Apology Letter. By the time I finished the Apology Letter it was sometime in December and I realized that to send the letter would be too overwhelming, and what I needed to do was SHOW what was in the letter.
I have also been trying to listen to "the voice", which has told me to "wait and be patient", and later, "to prepare".
My intention, with the NC, was not to send a message that I didn't care or hated him, but to give him space to work through whatever he's working through, that he made very clear he didn't want me to be part of. Also, to take time to sort through my own issues and get myself into a place where I could interact consciously and positively in ways that might lead to reconciliation. Honestly, in my gut, I feel like he probably misses me a ton, but ALSO is really happy to have space not to have to deal with this situation at all.
The message I was trying to send is: I'm not freaking out; I am OK with myself; I can take my time to deal with this on my own terms; I will not force you to talk to me if you don't want to; I'm not going to pressure you or bombard you with questions.
I want to tell a story, to illustrate how mad life can be. My best friend was with this guy, she was very into him, they had a lot of laughs...but it was volatile (he had issues looking back)...and he finished with her 13 times. Yes, 13! Unlucky for some as on the last, that was it and she dated someone else eventually. He never showed any regret. Then... 5 years later, I get a call at my desk, its him. Shes left work now but he tracked me down. He wanted her phone number (I wouldnt give it to him)..but said I would pass on his and any message...Well, an hour later on the phone and I was flabbergasted, but smiling to myself, as I knew how she had suffered and it was too late but oh the justice of it. Basically, he regretted it all, he loved her, he had always loved her, she was "the one", he'd never met anyone in the intervening years as great as her, he just was very messed up at the time and couldnt handle it (parent crap, same old same old), that he missed her (sounded tearful) and ..wanted to marry her!!! And begged me to put good words in with her for him (I tried)
5 years later. My how she felt vindicated when I told her. She never called him of course (sad isnt it?).
Just saying, you never know..but you do have to get on with your life in the meantime, and I for one have struggled with this. So just decide on a course of action T, go for it and if it backfires at least you can honestly say that you tried. I think calling him to get his address to send a card is not a good idea (too formal and how could you not get into conversation with him?). Have you not got his email address? Or any contact for his friends, so you can ask them for his email or his home address? Were you not friendly enough with your ILs to call them and ask for his address and say you are thinking of sending him a birthday card or something?? Just want to keep it light...if he wants to talk to you, he will I am sure.
Yes, your explanation makes sense, you are a stronger person than me! I begged, wailed, pleaded, sobbed, jumped his bones alot, implored and collapsed on the floor at his ankles repeatedly for weeks !! ;-)
Ali xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
That is a sweet story... my cello teacher actually waited through her now-husband's two other (crappy) marriages before marrying him in her 50's. So I have some good models for very patient people... not that I am planning to wait *that* long necessarily.
I feel like I am living my life, I don't feel like this is something that's holding me back. I feel like whatever work I'm being motivated to do for reconciliation, is also work I really need to do for myself as a person. All i'm saying is that I don't feel like my life is on hold because of the R. And I do not feel stuck. I really feel like I am growing a lot.
I have his email address, I can contact his inlaws, I can contact his friends. All of these things are possible, but I *really* do not want to get up in his face. I want to make contact in the gentlest, least invasive way possible, in a way where he can deal with it in his own time, on his own terms. I think anything else would invite a big knee-jerk "I don't ever want to talk to you again" reaction, or just something extremely emotionally charged, which would negate the possibility of it being positive, lighthearted, upbeat, or fun. I also really strongly feel that if I contacted other people in his life, like his mom or friends, to confirm his address, or whatever, it would get back to him and he would be extremely pissed that I "went behind his back" and involved other people from his life instead of just going straight to him. That is just my feeling...
T- in answer to your question to me, I would send an e-mail to say hello and see how he is. You could ask how he's doing and where he's staying these days, although I think it'd be important to not go in too strong for the first e-mail (although you obviously know where to pitch it being the expert in your sitch!).
IMHO you'd want something light and upbeat that he could respond to quickly and in an unpressured way....to open a dialogue which would lead to more and a route in to sending the gift (ie confirmation he still lives in the same place, unless, of course, you can get that from another source?)
((((T)))) You are so open and receptive to feedback, and also so sensitive and empathetic that I always worry I'm being too science-girl and black and white in my posts. It is SOOOOOOOOOOO scary to move out of your comfort zone- I can totally empathise with that. I think maybe that you can do it by embracing your fear (like the sadness) and moving through it. Feel the Fear and do it anyway. Has someone written that book already?!!
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I agree...defo...email him. Thats not invasive or in your face.. its in his inbox and he can choose to open and read it when he is ready. Just like a letter. In fact, better than a letter, as once you open an envelope..then you've seen the contents and its in front of you. An email is the least pressured way of contacting him, if thats your main concern. Its lighthearted, informal, simple.
Now you've got to work out what to say in it !!!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
These ladies are very insightful on your thread. I'm not sure what the best suggestion is. Do you really think a quick email to say hi is too in his face?
