How have any of you worked toward the goal of a spouse returning to bed?
I'll share my story, bearing in mind also that there is no OW in my situation. There might still be something to draw from it. Initially after the S, my H would not be intimate. He said he didn't want to give me false hope. He hardly saw me, for about 4 months. During those first 4 months, I kept contact light by just sending him friendly emails asking him about work or asking im for advice.
If he did see me, he only kissed me lightly or hugged me. Then I started asking to help out at the house so he'd come over and I'd dress appealing. I also offered to massage his back which he liked. His primary LL is physical touch. That started us being intimate again.
Thanks lin and PH. I really do not know where I would be without this forum. He continues to distance himself from me and our marriage. Thanks to DB I can feel good about the process since I can look at it as the necessary stage of letting him have his space.
He called in the afternoon to see if I had arrived home safely. (Last night on the phone I noticed that he did not refer to it as "home" but named the town e.g. are you coming to ___ tomorrow?) More distancing on his part. I had left pre-cooked meals either for him to use while I was gone, or for us when I returned. He elected to eat at restaurants most of the time. Although there was food available he called to see if he should bring home take-out so he could eat before going to church tonight.
I suggested we meet in town for dinner after church. He was to call me on my cell phone when the service was over and when he had decided upon a restaurant. One half hour after the service was to have ended he had not called. I drove by the church, it was dark, all of the cars were gone. I drove to the parking lots of several of the restaurants he had mentioned. There he was. I have a new cell phone but have retained the same number as the old one. He had forgotten that as well as my old cell phone number. When I asked how long he would have waited he replied, "hours".
In the restaurant I noticed that was not wearing his wedding ring. I did not mention it. When we got home although he slept in the guest room I noticed that the wedding ring was back on.
This is definitely a mlc and he appears to be confused and conflicted. I don't think he's happy and I feel real compassion for him. On the other hand, thanks to all of you, I feel that I can detach and plan to give the OW a run for her money.
Happy Easter everyone, I am thinking of all of you who are having to endure the holiday while going through this special hell.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
Yep...confused, conflicted...and most likely depressed...
You on the other hand are sounding confident, strong, and rational...I too felt compassion for my H...I knew he had to be absolutely miserable inside to be doing the crazy hurtful things he was doing to his family...
At the time it was hard to imagine that one could recover...but now looking at my H it is hard to imagine that he was the same man that did those things to me...maybe he isn't??? It is a very strange phenomenon for sure, this MLC...after being in the hub of it for nearly 7 years total...I am feeling like our life is back on track...I will never again ignore warning signs in my marriage...and I don't think I will ever stop DB'ing...like changing your eating habits and becoming healthy...I have changed my relationship habits and intend on staying healthy there as well!
Here you are! The thought I had about the note (old news now) was him trying to say in a roundabout way that he thought any type of anniversary celebrations were inappropriate.
The thought of trying to reassure OW with the note is compelling. It was sure all over the place.
Getting hubby back to bed? Well.. they say food is the way to a man's stomach; either that or a good remote control! Have your main TV "break". Then you can watch TV in the master bedroom and eat snacks in bed.
First of all, a standing ovation to plentyhope!! When H asked me what I thought of the e-mail he was planning to send I basically took your advice. I told him that he had used the first person plural and only about 15% represented my feelings on the matter. Which 15%? The part about taking the trip and having a wonderful time. Although he repeated that he was "confused" by my reply he was not successful in drawing out any more information. A few days ago he said he had decided to not send the e-mail. KUDO's to you!
Gypsy, I've been caught up in my own special turmoil since I returned and haven't had much time to read the forum. I did see your new posting over on the Newcomers board. Once again I thought to myself that I was not the only woman in the universe whose husband thought of his job as his mistress.
It sounds as if you had a fairly good Easter, with the exception of the minor bump in the road with your teenaged son. Good for you! You are sounding strong and confident today.
In addition to writing amusing prose (SBD Syndrome comes to mind), moving poetry, and good advice to others, you take the time to read those posts which may have slipped a few pages back.
Unfortunately, the sleeping arrangements won't be changing any time soon. The day I returned we met at a restaurant, and, sure enough, the wedding ring was gone. I had prepared myself and didn't even look at his hand. We got home, he came to our bedroom to get some things, and the wedding ring was in place.
My situation deteriorated on Easter when he went to church in the morning. Although he usually returns around 12:30 this time it was 3:30 p.m. and, once again, no wedding ring. I slipped my DB resolve big time and asked him what had happened and where he had been. His vagueness leads me to believe he was lying.
I don't know if I believe him when he says that he took his sister to a town 25 miles away to go shopping. It is possible that she was with him, it is also possible that he took her to introduce her to the OW, it is also possible that he had planned to meet the OW in advance, and it is also possible that OW called in a crisis and he went to comfort her. Regardless, it is a step back on the stage two of our situation.
Oh yes, 2 minutes later, the wedding ring made a reappearance!
Oddly, just before he went to church he said he was having second thoughts about taking the third vacation with me in October! I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be looking for someone to accompany me on that one. The fact that he thinks it might still be an option is mind-blowing. Yes, MLC, believe none of what they say and half of what they do.
Gypsy, unfortunately the tv remote thing won't work. He hates the tv in the bedroom. For the past 15 years I have listened via an earphone. (He doesn't mind the light the t.v. gives off and would sleep with the light on if he could.)
Must go, have an appointment with my DB coach in a few minutes.
Thanks for finding my post, ISH ;-)
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
ISH, Thanks for your kind words. I am glad that I was able to help in some way. How did you DB session go today?
The wedding ring disappearing act sure is confusing!!! He must still want to be married and yet is afraid of OW seeing the ring on and giving him a hard time about it. How stressful for him, huh?
October is quite a ways away so hopefully, he'll chage his mind and go with you... -PH
Sleeping arrangements can be over glamorized. I swear.. my new theory is to treat anyone who's being unreasonable like a cat. Ignore them long enough and eventually they seek you out.
I've found 'cat thought' to be quite helpful. Even if it doesn't work, it's always good for an inner chuckle.
About the wedding ring, why not just stop checking if it's there or not? Actions speak louder than words, or finger slippage. And he probably sees you watching. As precious as a ring is as a symbol of wedlock, it's just a thing. If it's used to manipulate or becomes a barometer for your emotional wellbeing, then it's not helping. Anyway, looking into his eyes tells you more than sneaking peeks at his finger.
Repeat after me.. actions speak louder than words... his and yours.
I'm slowly learning that the little voice within, what some people refer to as a bullsh*t meter, often knows what the truth is. It doesn't have the filtering or denial of the heart and mind. Regardless if he's lying or telling the truth, you know him better than anyone else in the world. If something doesn't seem right, then something doesn't seem right.
The question is.. what do you do with this imprecise intutitive nugget of insight? Accuse him, be righteous, succumb to sadness, DR? Personally, I'm beginning to get to the point where I try and step out of the box (after an appropriate amount of internal wailing) and focus on what the big picture is. How will doing X, Y or Z effect my personal well being, long term goal, family.
I've always been a dog with a bone, gnawing and holding onto it during tough times. This personality trait has been helpful when persistence is needed.. but with this whole unbelievable situation.. it's just not good. I'm finally learning what the phrase "pick your battles" entails. Before I picked every battle. Now I'm learning to let things slide, step aside from what looks like dog poo.. even if they're things that before would have seemed insurmountably hurtful or just plain wrong.
It is what it is.
I am who I am.
If I behave in a fashion which reflects the good and true in me, then .. heck.. I'm just a swell person! And that's worth taking to the bank.
Jody, my coach, is excellent! During yesterday's session I realized I hadn't really "gotten" it. My 180s had been superficial. I have gotten superficial changes as a result. The work ahead is much more difficult requiring more judgement and judicious behavior on my part. H is conflict avoidant, I had been putting a lot of energy into making him comfortable in his home so it would be a pleasant environment for him. Some days he has been "terminally cranky" finding fault with many things. My coach has advised me to set limits on him treating me like a scapegoat.
Today is my birthday, since he showed minimal interest in extending himself to celebrate it, my 180 is to be pampering myself at an Inn which is some distance from our home. I did tell him that I may not be home tonight and, although it feels a little alien to be alone on my birthday for the first time in more than a quarter of a century I realize it is important. Thanks to Jody for encouraging me to do it. Now, blast it, I'm going to have some fun!
Originally Posted By: plentyhope
The wedding ring disappearing act sure is confusing!!! He must still want to be married and yet is afraid of OW seeing the ring on and giving him a hard time about it. How stressful for him, huh?
Yes, but not to obsess about it, why did he take it off when he was to be with his sister? Also, I hate to admit it, but I am always happy to see that he has replaced it. I've got to prepare for the day when that does not occur.
Originally Posted By: plentyhope
October is quite a ways away so hopefully, he'll change his mind and go with you...
Many of the friends from the April trip will be on the October one also. I imagine the topic will arise during April. It will be interesting to see how he responds. If he were to explicitly tell everyone he is leaving the marriage it will certainly put a damper on things. Time will tell, we'll have to see.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
I hate to admit it, but, I'm rather enjoying having the whole bed to myself, snuggled in a cocoon of the featherbed below and the down comforter above. I can watch tv without earphones and log on to the laptop whenever I like. Meanwhile, the dog requests a 2 a.m. walkie from H by barking in H's face.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
About the wedding ring, why not just stop checking if it's there or not?
Well, the wedding rings once had an eternal/mystical connection. I only removed mine when I had surgery on my left wrist and he only removed his when he was to have another type of surgery. Both times we touched fingers and slipped the ring from one's finger to the other's finger. Now, knowing that he is treating it as simply piece of jewelry, it has lost it's connection between the present, and that time long ago when it was placed on his finger. (So many people who were in attendance at our wedding have now passed on that in some way the rings and the continuity were a time machine back to that day in August.)
A rather amusing story is that of my parents who have been married 67 years. When I was a child my father would show me his ring and say that the only way that his ring would ever be removed from his hand would be if someone cut off his finger. Around 8 years ago my parents had a huge argument and he took off his ring. He replaced it a few months later and then asked my mother if she knew why he had removed it. He was quite deflated when she told him that she had not noticed that he had not been wearing it.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
Regardless if he's lying or telling the truth, you know him better than anyone else in the world.
I know,Gypsy, we both have been intimately connected with them for longer than anyone else in our lives. We have considered them our life-partners and it was such a short time ago that recent events would have been inconceivable. As you know, I cope by comparing the situation to the shock I would have felt if he had been taken from me by death. It does provide solace to know that he is still of this earth and there is a chance that he will re-join the relationship, and, that if he does the relationship will be stronger and more rich than before.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
I've always been a dog with a bone, gnawing and holding onto it during tough times. This personality trait has been helpful when persistence is needed.. but with this whole unbelievable situation.. it's just not good.
Gypsy, we could be twins on this. That is the quality that H both loved and hated about me. Oddly, he is placing OW on a pedestal and characterizing her as being "determined".
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
If I behave in a fashion which reflects the good and true in me, then .. heck.. I'm just a swell person! And that's worth taking to the bank.
Truer words were never spoken, YOU are the best.
((((Gypsy)))) to you!
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
