You are assuming, you don't know. Ask her what her Ideal H would be. You might be pleasantly surprised, you might be slam dunked and know that there is no reason to 'try' anymore. While you're talking remember to have the conversation about your biopsy too.
What I am saying Jeff, start communicating your needs. Start small, like a ride to the hospital please and thank you. If you haven't talked in years how does she know what YOU want? Is she as frustrated as you?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Maybe that is good advice for everyone. From reading through the advice and thoughts, I put together a 'list of understanding' for a relationship.
How do the following lists sound?
1) What I originally expected in M? 2) What I think I have now? 3) What I currently expect in M? 4) What I think a perfect M would look like? 5) What am I willing to do to make it happen?
The more specific the better.
And if spouse is willing to do the same, it will help clarify everyone's position.
DH, can you answer all these questions for yourself? Does your W like lists to think about? Do you think she would be willing to answer any of these questions?
H - 47 W - 44 M - 18+ years Separated? - 4/07 S - 13 S - 15
I am so glad you get a push from all of us here to the right direction. You like to put things off but you can't put off your life Jeff. You are clearly a smart man, you have got yourself trapped in a situation and you need to do something about it. Solutions don't just appear. COMMUNICATION is definitely a problem. Solve it. At least as far as you are concerned. She may be surpsrised and not follow. Give her some time and be consistent, keep the lines open. She will. "Reaction rarely gets us anywhere, action usually does".
Jeff, maybe if you think of what you want in your wife, it will help you think about what she wants in her h. Have you changed over the years? If so, in what ways? Do you think what she wanted in a h has changed? Just some thoughts to get you going. Hope it helps. And dont think I have forgotten our project of cleaning up the bedroom. I am cutting you some slack because you are not feeling well and I know you are concerned. Once you get that clean bill of health, and I know you will, we are starting it up again.
In the meantime, try to take care of yourself. Eat right, get enough sleep and get some exercise. And really think about the possibility that you might be depressed. And who wouldnt be living as you are? I could tell you first hand that depression can cause physical illness. I know how hard it is for men to face the possibility of going to a therapist, but that might be just what you need. Doesnt make you weak - in fact, it is just the opposite - it takes a strong person to admit they might need a little help. Just some thoughts - I hope you dont mind.
(((((Donna))))) Hmmmmm, lots of thoughts, and good ones! I don't mind!
It has been forever since I have though about what I would want in W. I can hardly even get my head around the question, which is absurd. How about a woman that would respect me, as a partner. Someone that would appreciate me, and allow me to appreciate her. A companion. I can think of a lot of negative "unwants", but I think that going negeative is the wrong direction, so I will start with these, and see what develops. Have I changed? I don' tthink so, but I am sitting in the wrong place to see ot very well. Which makes me think that what she wants has changed, or that she married me hoping I would change to match a vision she had, and I have not. Could that be?
I know we have to finish the bedroom. I don't have work Friday, so I think that will be the time to finish it off, at least the first wave, to get it habitable by someone of the female persuasion, if that in fact happens. Then, after the health stuff is taken care of, I'll go for the next wave, and the **dramatic music** closet!
I think you may be right about depression, and I am going to call. I would like to get the biopsy out of the way first before I add that to my plate, but I have promised you all I would do it! I think I may have given the wrong answer when W ask if I though I was depressed! "Duh" seems so much more appropriate! But, I know that I can't blame her for my feelings, even if it is her fault! I let things get like this, so I have to take the responsibility in an equal measure I think.
You are assuming, you don't know. Ask her what her Ideal H would be. You might be pleasantly surprised, you might be slam dunked and know that there is no reason to 'try' anymore. While you're talking remember to have the conversation about your biopsy too.
What I am saying Jeff, start communicating your needs. Start small, like a ride to the hospital please and thank you. If you haven't talked in years how does she know what YOU want? Is she as frustrated as you?
(((((WCW))))) You are correct, I am assuming. Though it is hard to imagine that she thinks I am the cat's pajamas right now! I think that I will ask her about what she would like in a H when I ask her what she thinks we can do to improve things.
As far as the biopsy goes, she mentioned it again Sunday, again suggesting a postponement. So, I know about where I stand there. I will be talking to S18, and go from there. I don't really want her along, at this point.
I'm sure she is frustrated. She doesn't think I listen to anything she says. At this point, she might be right. I have a hard time caring any more. Which is kind of discouraging, coming from me! I need to get myself right, and see where that leads, I think.
Maybe that is good advice for everyone. From reading through the advice and thoughts, I put together a 'list of understanding' for a relationship.
How do the following lists sound?
1) What I originally expected in M? 2) What I think I have now? 3) What I currently expect in M? 4) What I think a perfect M would look like? 5) What am I willing to do to make it happen?
The more specific the better.
And if spouse is willing to do the same, it will help clarify everyone's position.
DH, can you answer all these questions for yourself? Does your W like lists to think about? Do you think she would be willing to answer any of these questions?
(((((Michelle))))) Troubled **insert handshake**
What do I want in a W? I took a stab at that above.
As far as this list goes... 1) Heck if I know! I don't think I had a clue. I was 24, I think I though we'd live happily ever after! Any other thoughts have been pretty much swallowed u pby time! 2) Nothing. 3) I really have no expectations. That is one thing I have gotten too good at! Unless there is a radical change, I think my expectations will be met. 4) I think what I said to beginnersmind would be a start. ML now and then would be ok, too. 5) I have to think about his a bit. I think I have to start by fixing myself. Then I need to figure out whether I even can be what she wants, so I guess I'll have to ask her what she wants, huh?
OK, that wasn't very specific, but it what I have right now. When you are not even friends it is hard to imagine a marriage. I need to work on that.
I don't think she would be much into this right now. Then again, I won't know unless I ask, I am assuming again. Hmmmmm.....
I am so glad you get a push from all of us here to the right direction. You like to put things off but you can't put off your life Jeff. You are clearly a smart man, you have got yourself trapped in a situation and you need to do something about it. Solutions don't just appear. COMMUNICATION is definitely a problem. Solve it. At least as far as you are concerned. She may be surpsrised and not follow. Give her some time and be consistent, keep the lines open. She will. "Reaction rarely gets us anywhere, action usually does".
K
((((((Kalni)))))) Thank you! Yes, I can put things off pretty well, I am good at that! I let this happen, day-by-day, month-by-month, year-by-year, and now it is pretty intimidating. Communication is a huge problem. It is like one of us is speaking Greek, even when we try to communicate! Any suggestions on how to start?
This is my first time posting on your thread.. I just finished reading all 16 pages and was wondering if you're still planning on posting your daily schedule so that everyone can help you out with creating some 180's for yourself. You mentioned getting some exercise so that's a good start but what else is there?
Have you given any more thought to acupuncture? I have never tried it.. and truthfully the thought of getting stuck with pins makes me a little nervous.. but there are some things that, if it really works, I could use some assistance with.. both emotionally and physically.
Good luck with your biopsy. It sounds like S17 would be the best choice to accompany you to the hospital, if his schedule permits. You sound like a great Dad and like you have good relationships with your children.. so in a time of high stress I think having someone that you love whole heartedly and don't have to be guarded around (such as S17) would be most comforting.
I let things get like this, so I have to take the responsibility in an equal measure I think.
Any suggestions on how to start?