It is always OK with me if you swim against the tide of opinion. Please always feel welcome to do that!
Just to clarify... I told him "I can't talk tonight, I want to talk to you soon, I need to talk to you soon. I'll contact you when I'm ready to talk and we can set something up." I think those were the words...
Part of my rationale for doing that was:
- I didn't know how to respond other than arguing with him that we should stay together and trying to convince him intellectually that I was willing to change/had already changed, and in the "webcam breakup conversation" I already tried to do that and it didn't work. It did not seem constructive to repeat the behavior so I decided to take some time and gather information, go to counseling, ask for advice from people in similar situations, read DB and a bunch of other books, so I could "act smart" instead of just "react". I didn't want to f up my chances by doing something stupid.
- In the very distant past, whenever someone broke up with me I would pursue them like crazy, to the point that I just exhausted whatever care I still had about that person until there was nothing left. For example: my last two Rs, which were both totally frivolous and unimportant compared with what I had with my B. After R #1, I gave up trying to be friends with exBF "a" and 4 months later he showed up on my dorm doorstep with a long letter asking me to be part of his life again. I was so tired of it all I didn't feel anything. After R #2, exBF "y" started acting like he wanted to reconcile but his words said that it was over. I was so tired of hoping and pushing that in the end I told him I didn't want him to be part of my life anymore, and I haven't talked to him since. All of that was a lonoonnnnngggg time ago. But I think part of me wanted to save my energy and also my love instead of flinging myself against a brick wall since it hadn't worked in the past and just killed my love for the ex.
- My B made it really clear that he would prefer just to "leave it" at that and "not be friends". So I was giving him what *he* wanted by not pursuing him. This is unlike me, so it was a 180.
- I am almost positive he expected me to contact him and/or try to see him in person soon after the bomb. Me not doing so was another 180... because I wasn't doing what he would expect.
After the bomb I was confused because I felt the urge to fight for the R, but also my intuition kept telling me to stay still and not make a move. It took me a while to realize that actually letting him be was maybe the best way for me to fight for the R.
Then, I spent 4-6 weeks working on an Apology Letter. By the time I finished the Apology Letter it was sometime in December and I realized that to send the letter would be too overwhelming, and what I needed to do was SHOW what was in the letter.
I have also been trying to listen to "the voice", which has told me to "wait and be patient", and later, "to prepare".
My intention, with the NC, was not to send a message that I didn't care or hated him, but to give him space to work through whatever he's working through, that he made very clear he didn't want me to be part of. Also, to take time to sort through my own issues and get myself into a place where I could interact consciously and positively in ways that might lead to reconciliation. Honestly, in my gut, I feel like he probably misses me a ton, but ALSO is really happy to have space not to have to deal with this situation at all.
The message I was trying to send is: I'm not freaking out; I am OK with myself; I can take my time to deal with this on my own terms; I will not force you to talk to me if you don't want to; I'm not going to pressure you or bombard you with questions.
