Forget about my plan. Let's see what we can come up with starting from scratch.
Guys, I am really scared. I feel like as long as I am dark, I can be hopeful. I am afraid if I break cover and get a negative response, it will "all be over." Intellectually I understand that even if he reacts to me negatively and says nasty things, I shouldn't give up hope, b/c many stories on the board tell of Rs that survived all kinds of vituperative bs from the WAS. But I am afraid.
I am afraid if I reach out, and he doesn't respond positively, what else will I have to try? Can you guys help me out with this? What else should I try if reaching out the first way I try to do it doesn't work? Maybe I will be less reluctant to try something if I feel like I have other things to try if that doesn't work.
I have *tons* of 180s to try in person if we were still interacting on a regular basis, or at the point where we were interacting again. But until that happens, I just have a list of ideas for gifts... not that that's the only thing I can do, just the only thing I can come up with.
My fantasy is that we just happen to run into each other when I am in a really happy place and I stun him with my good vibes and he realizes what he's missing.
ESSIE--TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS:
1. I think BF's love language is Touch and Quality Time. Really challenging to implement when we are not interacting. Also I think that's part of why things got so thorny once the long distance started. But he has really enjoyed gifts from me in the past, so I tried to brainstorm a bunch of them that were similar to what has worked before. (more of what works).
2. I totally hear what you're saying about tone of voice. I actually feel like it would be easier for me to show my changes if I got to see him in person more than anything, but that feels like making a big demand at this point. (Hopefully it will be less of a stretch later). Maybe I could send a voicemail, direct to voicemail so I don't have to worry about him picking up the phone, asking him if he still has the same address, because I would like to send him something, and then send him the funny card, perhaps with the beermaking instructions?
3. Have I wondered if he's really worth it-- I think my doubts are more acknowledging the possibility that there is something else in store for me, or that there is more growing for him and me to do individually before I make contact. Before the bombs he really and truly was my best friend and heart's companion. I really just want to be with him. That's where I'm at now.
4. How will the long distance work out? I am in ATL until the end of December 2008. After that my plan is to move back to Boston and do another degree. Boston is WAY closer to NYC-- in fact, B goes through Boston 1-4x per month on his way to his orchestra job in Maine. In the past, before the bombs, when I was thinking about transfering to Boston instead of finishing my degree and then moving back, he said, "Wow, if you move to Boston then I can stay with you instead of with my Boston friends when I need to spend the night in Boston on my way up to Maine." So-- at the rate things are moving, by the time I'm ready to leave ATL, I'll be headed somewhere much closer to where he is. At some point to really piece I think we would need to make the commitment not to do long distance again and make plans that include each other so we can both be pursuing our careers in the same place. But that is far in teh future.
Essie, don't ever worry about asking too many questions, or questions that are too pointed. You've never said anything that offended me. It is amazing that you, who I have never met in person, who lives on the other side of the planet, takes the time to read my posts and ask such thoughtful questions. It is extremely caring!!
