Jak and Matilda, I live walking distance from a library, and close to a bookstore.
My W and I continue to wrestle with domestic conflict--money, hygiene, and housecleaning. I'm trying to figure-out what she wants, as I get overwhelmed with her torrent of words and emotions. I think she's trying to lighten her load and expectations of herself, that she imposes on herself. She's quick to try and solve problems that I'm capable of solving (fixing my own computer), because she wants me to approach it at her pace. Communicating via email is helpful, as I can get to the root of her message and problem-solve with a response.
It's a struggle dealing with the emotional part of being yelled at, her dwelling on the past, and her sleeping elsewhere. Reading Buddhist articles and books helps me to manage emotions and plant positive thoughts in my mind. It's like going to church--it reminds you what's important in life, and helps keep a healthy perspective.
When she's having a tantrum I think that she hates me and feels trapped in a life she doesn't want. I think separation is around the corner. After she settles down, she wants to connect.
She's joined my studio for latin dance classes last week. We practiced dancing last week. I hope to continue practicing weekly.
She told me recently that she used to go out to restaurants so much to stay away from the house because she was overwhelmed by the clutter. I did not know this. Perhaps a positive way of looking at the domestic conflict, is that she's trying to face these issues, and it's better to hear her concerns (even if they're articulated harshly), than for her to continue avoidance patterns (which she may be doing to some extent with the sleeping elsewhere).
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, In my Buddhist reading this morning the article talked about Deep Listening. It stated that one of the goals of listening is to be able to hear the suffering of the other person, and to not distance ourselves if they speak to us in a less than kind way. This is important for me to remember in terms of my work in staying with conflict.
I think she desires financial security and enough of a cash flow for quality of life. I'm not sure what my role is in helping her with this problem, beyond working 40 hours per week.
She mentioned yesterday that she wants to look at our budget and see income and expenses. She's never asked to do that. I think it would be helpful for her to see that so she can develop a strategy. Her reaction now to her financial worry is for me to get a higher paying job (this again).
I think she also wants a home she can be comfortable in and proud of. I'm trying to adapt to her higher standards. We spent two hours taking out garbage bags full of clutter over the weekend. I spent some time in the yard picking up leaves from the bushes.
I'll do what I think is reasonable to help her with this. I'll have to hold onto my activities so that she doesn't burn me out. My strength is balance and being able to slow down, and be patient that some problems take time to solve. Her strength is to be a catalyst and move us forward with projects and making changes when needed.
I still have some hope that the M can get better and intimacy eventually restored. I have faith in myself to manage and thrive with the life I have, even with it's problems and imperfections.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, I'm hoping that what's occurring with the recent conflicts is that now that my W has more free time since reducing her work hours, she is now free to address issues of concern that she was too tired and stressed to deal with before. Wanting to manage and repair finances, raising the cleaning standards in the home, managing home improvement projects, maintaining and repairing cars, cleaning out clutter, are all positive goals.
I don't view it as committing to the M, but accepting that this is her life and home, and that there are no easy escapes from it, so she might as well face it and begin to problem-solve.
I guess since these projects have all been neglected, her frustration is showing. I'll try to tolerate her emotions for now, with the idea that projects will be completed, and strategies for problems will be developed and implemented. I think the quality of her life has to improve environmentally and financial stress has to be lessened before we can move into other relational issues.
I'm thinking that a reduction in her workload was a good idea, even though she is now more aware of the unresolved domestic problems.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I feel it all goes hand in hand in the fact that if she resolved the small issues she can then work on the larger ones. Wish my H could figure his out.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, Very tiring. My W is worried about money and retirement. Whenever her stress about this increases, she pushes me to take on a second job. I'm going to continue hold my ground about not working more than five days per week. I will begin a job search to check out other options.
I think the solution is going to involve us working more in partnership around this issue. We have a meeting set-up with our financial advisor next month. I'm not looking forward to it, but perhaps it will be a catalyst for us to work in partnership on this issue. The pattern now is she spends, and I pay the bills, and try to spend as little as possible. Perhaps these meetings will help keep her accountable.
She is going to have to be willing to practice some self-restraint and live within her means. I can only work with her if she is willing to partner on this issue.
She's pushing me take a vacation, but I'm not sure what we can afford. After the turbulence this weekend, I was too tired to talk about vacation planning this morning, when she brought it up. She wanted to know if I had looked into anything.
I have my dance class tonight, so will get a break from the R tonight.
We have been dancing more together, since we started a latin dance class two weeks ago. We've been practicing at home at least on a weekly basis.
I've been trying to be more helpful around the house.
Things are fine for days at a time, and then she has a meltdown, and then sleeps elsewhere. She returns, and the cycle starts again.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Wish I had a suggestion for you on changing the cycle of you W. Can you perhaps look ayt what you are doing and try to create change when these discussions happen?
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, I sent my W an email telling her that I want to start a vacation account, in which we put aside an amount monthly. The goal would be to keep at least $1000 in it for when the desire to take a vacation occurs. This would lower my resistance to taking vacations, when she brings the topic up.
She says that the ball's in my court regarding taking a vacation. She wants me to come-up with ideas that I'm comfortable with. I told her that we will need to be flexible and creative.
We've taken beach vacations to Miami in the past, and resort vacations to the Carribean. Her priority is to be on a beach. My priority is that it's affordable, and that we don't pay for it with a credit card.
I'm thinking of exploring some beaches along the eastern seaboard--Virginia, North Carolina. I'm thinking of a driving vacation; flying is so expensive these days.
The stress over the weekend was largely due to our purchasing a new computer for my bedroom. I was having trouble getting on the internet, and it took a fair amount of time troubleshooting the problem. We ended-up having our electrician doing some rewiring. Installing new computers are never trouble-free.
I signed-up for another six weeks of group lessons on my own. My W and I take group lessons on another night. I've discovered that I need at least one weekly activity per week apart from my W. Group dance lessons aren't terribly expensive ($14/week), so I feel justified taking them. I would love to take some private lessons, but can't justify that with the financial stress my W is having.
We'll see if she's willing to partner with me on the vacation and financial issues.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
