New to the forum. Waw left/filed for D with no warning Aug 07 2 weeks after youngest of 6 kids went to college. We had 3 months of good meetings, dates, discussions. She made lots of upbeat comments during this time, gave me more info on her unhappiness than the previous 30 years, and I did all the no-no's. Plead, cried, lectured, ect. She would call at 1 am and tell me how lonely she was, and that she did not like to work full time or live alone (100 miles away and no family). I would run there and fix the broken car, sick dog, ect... In Dec she had her attorney call to say no more contact. 3 weeks go by with none and the phone calls start again. After responding to a late night call and going there at 3am (no intimatcies since she left) and spending 12 hours together on new years day/night she filed a protection order and accused me of sexual assault in early jan, 2 weeks after the "incident". Since that time it seems to be full speed ahead with the big D (or at least as fast as these things go). Several of my kids have exressed their unhappiness with the D, and especially with the po and the criminal charge. To date nothing has happened with the criminal charge as the cops think it was what it is-invalid. My one son got married this last weekend and let her know that with the po in place we both could not be there and that meant she was not invited. Really sad. My youngest daughter is getting married in June and my wife has told her that she will do something with the po so that she and I can plan and attend the wedding together. I readily admit that for the first 15 years I was not a joy to be married to. Although I do not drink, we attend church every week and there has never been any infidelity on my part (several ea's and 1 pa on her part) that it is evident that with all my trying to improve the last 15 years I have not met her en's. I think she is has several challenges (besides me) in being involved in sexual abuse when 11, divorced parents (mom married 5-6 times), hormonal issues, negative family support. At this point I have worked through the hoplessness phase and have seen that there will be life after divorce, even if there is no $ left. I have done enough checking, that I do not believe there is a current ea or pa. I do think she is making some very irrational choices that are not typical of her and know that for us to ever work out, SHE must choose something other than a D. Heavens knows I still have alot to work on. I am curious what I should/should not do in the next few months as we plan this wedding and all that goes with it. This may indeed be the last chance to make a better impression on her than I did the first 3 months she had left, although she says I did everything perfect then. Apparantly, too perfect, or there too much or what ever. Ideas??
Here is what I would do. I would be sure to put all the cards on the table. I would tell her you do not want a D. Tell her how you feel. Be loving but firm. No neediness, begging, etc.
I would clearly establish boundaries. If she is living away from you, you are NOT her beck and call guy. She needs to stand on her own. There need to be consequences for her leaving. If you do not, she has her freedom and an "on call" H.
In conclusion, I would tell her she chose to leave. You plan to leave her alone to live her life. You need to tell her you are moving on with your life and GAL... Really, you ARE moving on with or without her...
No_More_Dodo
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
I'd suggest several things. First of all, post in newcomers, you'll get more traffic on your thread.
I'd suggest that you continue to work on your issues. It's much easier to work on you, when it's just you. Get out. Enjoy the life you do have. Spend some time with your kids if possible. Maybe take a vacation and clear your head. You've been with this woman for many years, so it's got to be hard, but there is more to life than just her.
One thing you'll need to understand is that you can't make her do anything. You can't convince her of anything. She has to arrive at her own conclusions about you and how much your marriage is worth. So does that mean you can't do anything? No, you can show her someone worth coming back to, but she ultimately must make that choice. So, don't take any steps towards her. Stay in one place and let her come to you if she is going to. Have a fulfilling life that she would want to share with you.
When you work on this wedding, let her do most of the initiating. Let her have only limited exposure to you and make the most of the time. Be attentive, friendly, confident, and supportive, but at the same time, show that you don't need her or even necessarily want her anymore...you are good with your own life.
Just some thoughts. In the early going, it's helpful to get more responses and you will on other areas, newcomers or separated. MLC is also busy, but I'd be careful of falling into the trap of just saying, "oh, it's a disease, I just have to wait 4 or 5 years for her to snap out of it". Your primary focus should be on how do you want to change and that hopefully affects change in your spouse.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I guess the reason I posted in this section, is that my wife filed and left almost 8 months ago, and although working through a D at this time I still want to do whatever is possible to try to salvage the marriage. It does say divorced, but not done, and the subheading mentions that it is for those in a D but still working on the M. I may try the beginner section to see if their are more responses. In regards to not being the best to be married to for the first 15 years-well let's see. How about-controlling-manipulative-did'nt help as much as I should with the kids-worked 12 hour days-not very empathetic-demanding-more concerned about me then her. I think you get the picture. Not a drinker or partier, but not the best husband for sure. I believe the last 15 years i have tried to make many changes for the better, but it seems I am reminded of things from 30 years ago on a regular basis, and not much credit for the positive changes. In the last month I seem to have gotten over the hump of depression and thinking life is over. Although I would love to see thngs work out for us, I also can acknowledge that life will go on, and can be quite fulfilling even if I am not still married to her. I have put my emphasis on what I can continue to do to improve and change for the better and realize the only thing I may be able to do for her at this point is just treat her politely and as nice as I can without catering to her. I will have to be very careful expressing anything to her for awhile. It may need to be several months from now when she has seen that I am not going to be begging her, or lecturing her anymore on returning to the marriage. We will need to help make some of the plans for the wedding, and work together financially, along with standing in line at the reception, ect... to make sure our daughter has the best possible experience during this time. Thanks for the input and recomendations!
