Please Help, Divorce Almost Final!!!

[jerry161]

My wife and I married young. We have three children and are on our third home together. Our relationship has consisted of a circle of disfunction. What happens is we power struggle in the relationship. When she is happy it's because she has the power and I am worried about losing her so I do what she wants and in a way am not myself anymore. Then the same thing happens but to her. We can never seem to be on an equal plane.

This year I wanted to re-invent our relationship totally, starting with regular weekly dates with her. We have had lots of financial trouble and I even suggested that we sell the house and downgrade until she completes school. Then we would have more money, which is primary reason why we do not go out sometimes.

Well, I am too late. She has moved about in early Feb, and is pushing ahead with the divorce and is also seeing OM. I feel like the only way I may find inner peace is to let her go and hope that she returns, at which time I will know she really wants to be there. Bad thing is, I can't see anything changing in the next six weeks. The uncertainty of the timetable and not knowing if she will ever come back is eating me alive. We have been living apart and I really miss her, but I have done EVERYTHING I should not have been doing to try to get her back. I really think I found DB too late. We exist only as co-parents. I have started the 180 this week but I think it is too late.Had I started earlier there may have been a chance. Already this week she texted me saying it was okay to say hi and talk to her, like she was upset that I stopped calling her. I want to do something to convince her but I know at this time I might be counter productive. I have done major improvement to myslef over the last month and she has said she sees it but she still does not want to come back. I just don't know how to step away. I know she has the caring kind of love for me, but not the exciting kind of love. (she loves me but is not in love with me)

Now that OM is involved I am absolutely crushed even worse. She says she is not "doing" anything with him and I believe her, but it hurts to know that someone else is even "sitting in my chair" so to speak. I am very heartbroken.

What do I do?? I am dying inside. I can imagine the elation when she comes back, but if she doesn't..........

[jerry161]

I should mention how the struggle started. My wife had an emotional affair about three years into our marriage and I got mad and resentful and to feel secure I played games to make her feel she could lose me. When she seemed hurt to lose me it made me feel that she wanted to be there. And then she would have another affair and the situation would repeat several times. She never had sex or even had anything physical with anyone. Just e-mail or phone conversations.

For the past few years we have both matured some but our relationship has still been very hard. I got past the trust issues but still did not feel wanted by her always. A mutual blow up led us to here and now once again another man is involved. As soon as she moved out the guy was there and I believe she just met him as her job puts her in contact with a lot of people.

I want her back. After reading several books I am now convinced that we could achieve true happiness in our marriage. I think she is the WAW and also is having a MLC, but I am responsible too. I just want to fix it but maybe it's too late.

[cat03]

I don't think it is too late, it sure does seem like it when your W acts all indiferent and the stich seems hopeless, it isnt.
Due to the unhealthy pattern that was never really broken it will take a lot of your patience to ride out this storm. Dont'hold your breath, this stich could last many months.
Living in limbo is no fun, but you must accept that for the time being this is how things will be, she wont' change her mind overnight. At this point she seems like she wants nothing with you, but that doesnt'mean it will be like this forever, there is always hope.

but if she doesn't......

You must face this fear, only then will you be able to have strenght to wait for her as the months go by. I know it hurts, but to find strenght and confidence in yourself you must plan for the worst and KNOW you will be ok.

[jerry161]

I started DBing a little over a week ago. I have barely spoken to my W, only about the kids 1 time. Anyway, her last day of work last week was Thursday and I went in to pick my daughter up after my W had gotten her from school. I had a fresh haircut, new shirt and tie....I looked like I was taking care of myself. Anyway I came in with a smile on my face, picked up my daughter, and gave my D5 lots of attention as we were walking out the door.

About 5 minutes after I left my W sends a message saying "it's okay to say hi and talk to me."

It seems like a week ago she would have been happy to have me not even look at her at all and to speak was repulsive to her. Anyway I am probably making too much out of this but it was nice to see that she noticed that I had not spoken to her. She may have just been mad that I did not small talk her....I don't know. I looked at her and smiled so I don't think I was rude:)

Anyway, I hope this is the first little ray of light in my very long journey.

I still have my sons' beds in my living room, dis-assembled at her request. I have just been waiting for her to come over and have me load them and take them to her mothers. They are still sitting there after two weeks. I'm starting to hope that there may be a reason for that too, although she has been adamant that the divorce was the right decision for her and she is counting the days.

I certainly don't see any hope many times. And there have been times where she tries to criticize my parenting at my house. It certainly seems like she hopes to extinguish any hope most of the time. I can't wait to at least see the way DBing will change my interaction if nothing else.

I hope I am not reading too much into something that means nothing, I know it's common for people in our place to do that.

[cat03]

I know when one is a LBS one looks for ANY crumb thrown our way, sometimes it might mean something, but it is better not to have any expectations, not to loose hope but not to read too much into things.

Use DB for YOU, use this pain to propel you to change yourself into a better person, not only so she changes her mind,but to remind you that you are a confident individual. I forget who, mentioned how our S coming back should be the icing on the cake, not the cake, the cake is you, you can't have her define you.

[jerry161]

Thanks cat, I know you are correct. I am not hoping for a lot, but given how stubborn she is I am very suprised she would say that. That's why I think it means something. What it means is the question. She could just be mad that I ignored her.

I had started a program called Marriage Fitness about a month ago and it shares some priciples with DB. The big difference is that MF says to keep talking to and contacting the person. I think DB is right that when a woman asks for space it needs to be given. I set myself back a ton by not giving her space. It may cost me my marriage ultimately.

[jerry161]

Thanks cat, I know you are correct. I am not hoping for a lot, but given how stubborn she is I am very suprised she would say that. That's why I think it means something. What it means is the question. She could just be mad that I ignored her.

I had started a program called Marriage Fitness about a month ago and it shares some priciples with DB. The big difference is that MF says to keep talking to and contacting the person. I think DB is right that when a woman asks for space it needs to be given. I set myself back a ton by not giving her space. It may cost me my marriage ultimately.

[cat03]

it takes 2 to make or break an M, so dont' shoulder all the blame on you, you are trying so hard and I admire you for that. Keep up the good work

[JAK58]

Jerry I had a friend that went through a mini crisis and left her H.
He persued and she ran as fast as she could. He finally after a year gave up and started going out and doing things on his own and low and behold she came running. always wanted to know what he was doing and always looking for excuses to call him. He didn't know about dbing it just happened. SO giving space and dbing teqniques do work. Iv'e seen it first hand and thats why when I found this board I knew it was right for me. That is my OP take it or leave it . Please don't think D is the end. Sometimes I feel that they may need the D to start fresh. Please DB for you and yor children and future.
Good luck

'JAK

[jerry161]

Thanks, Jak. I am still sticking to DBing.

I had received the paperwork regarding my dissolution last Friday and after reveiwing them, I sent copies to my wife. Since she seemed upset that I stopped talking to her, I thought that was a positive and I was really looking forward to her reaction to the papers.

When I sent the e-mail, I only put one line of text with the forward. It said:

Please review. Timeline is up to us at this point.



Jerry

Then I left it alone. I was hoping she was having second thoughts about the sitch.

However when I got to work this morning there was the reply in my e-mail. She wants to get together to discuss everything to make sure we are on the same page. I told her that the attorney drafted it exactly to the specifications we gave her and there should be nothing to review. However, I wonder if she is just trying to get some face time? I doubt it but it's possible. I have only been DBing about 11 days and already our interactions have changed.

However, I am still a little down this morning about the fact that she even replied. I was hoping to see that just sit.....but I'm not going to let it get me down. Even if we both sign today it will be 8 weeks until the divorce. I'm not going to stop DBing. So much has changed in the last 8 weeks and I am convinced that a lot can change in the next 8 weeks.

If nothing else, all of this self improvement has led to a heck of a lot better version of me, and that's a good thing no matter what the outcome will be.