I've thought about how to answer this for a while. There is really no "one size fits all" answer. But I did learn that you have to live one day at a time. In the beginning - just concentrate on that. For that is true "Survival". Getting up, showering, eating, going to work, taking care of your kids, paying the bills and sleeping when you can. Mustering up the best that you can for your kids was of the UTMOST importance. I could barely function in the beginning but I did go to work despite the fact I was usually a real mess there. But life goes on and there are bills to pay. Keeping some semblance of routine was vital.
Reading every book about relationships helped me as well as finding the bb. Others were experiencing what I was. This made me feel less of a loser - I was not alone.
DO NOT think that a new R will solve all your problems. It will not. It will create new ones for you. Besides - if you're not ready (and who really is in the beginning?), your kids won't be ready for it and what do you have to offer someone new? It will NOT make your spouse come running back to you.
In my first year I just tried to survive and save the marriage. In my second year I got my affairs in order and tried to find myself again while holding out SOME hope in saving the marriage. In the third year I knew the divorce was imminent so I concentrated on my financials as well as detachment. I was not interested in saving the marriage, more in saving myself and keeping my R with the kids very healthy. Only then did I start to consider a new R. I did a bit of dating and fortunately in the first 6 months found myself in a wonderful R with someone new. In hindsite, I was still not completely over my ex. However, the new R did help me put it more in the past.
Time heals all wounds. These days I think less about how unfair it all was, how nasty my Ex was/is and how much I'd like something bad to happen to him. Truth is - I still have those thoughts. Good news is - it does not pervade my thinking and is becoming less and less apparent over time.
Life goes on. I only have one life and "x" number of years on the planet. I want it to be good. I don't want divorce to ruin me or seriously taint my kids. Affect us? Of course - destroy us? No way!
Keep your expectations low and your goals within reach. Live one day at a time.
