H asked for divorce last night...HELP!

[hope99]

i'm so lost right now. it hurts so bad. he only moved out a week ago to think about things and already he wants a divorce. he gave me the "it's him not me" speech, and i love you but i'm not in love with you, and there's someone better for you out there.
he's not even willing to work on the M at all. no MC or individual counselor...nothing. he's just done.

i couldn't help it last night, i totally lost it. i cried and begged and pleaded. and he didn't shed one tear. he barely even acted like it affected him. he slept in our bed last night and fell asleep immediately while i laid there sobbing.

couldn't go to work today...i only fell asleep 2 hours after i would normally wake up. then he called me and told me i should pull it together and go to work...i can't lose my job b/c i'm gonna need it now!

i really don't know how to go on without him. i don't know what to do right now. i'm just pacing around my house.

someone help!

[mishka422]

Hope - Sit down, breathe, slowly.......

You're H and mine could be twins! My H filed 9 days after he left and moved in w/OW. He did this after telling me he just needed time alone to figure some things out and didn't want a divorce. Not only was he not alone he filed without even telling me was going to. He did break down right after that and come home only to leave again, came back 2 months after that and left again last week.

I know the pain you are in. The disbelief that he would throw away your M and the years of your R so quickly. He has been coming to this for a long time, you are still reeling from not even knowing he was that unhappy. He never talked to you about problems he felt you were facing, he never talked about anything before the bomb - right? It's practically textbook.

Don't go to work today. You couldn't do your job anyway. Do they know what is going on with your life? Does your manager at least know? See if they can give you a couple of personal days to pull yourself together.

You need to start looking for a L now! I'm not saying that you need to actually file anything. Let your H do that if he feels he needs to but you need sound advice. You need to know your options legally and financially. Do you own a house? Do you own any property?

I know it's almost impossible to even think about legal stuff right now but it may help you sort some emotions that are coming up out of the fear of being destitute. Trust me!

(((((hope99)))))

You will be ok. Just take one baby step at a time.

[hope99]

thank you so much mishka. i'm so sorry for your situation too. everything you said was exactly right. he said these feelings of his have been going on for months and he never said a word. how could we work on our relationship if i don't even know anything is wrong!!??

my work knows what's going on and they have been great about it. but i know i can't sit here forever and expect to collect a paycheck. i just don't see how i can do this. how can i wake up tomorrow before its even light out and go to work like nothing ever happened? i was barely even able to feed my dogs this morning.

the H has stated several times how he doesn't think we need to get lawyers involved...just a mediator. i honestly don't know how any of this works so i'm not sure if that's true or not. it just kind of sounds like he doesn't want me to take him for everything he has.

i want to be positive and have a little hope that he will have a change of heart but i know him. he could make the worst decision in the world and not admit it or ever change his mind about it. i think even if he did decide he was making a bad decision by getting a divorce he would just live with it. b/c he is too stubborn to admit he was wrong.

[hope99]

i feel like i'm dying. i don't know how i'm supposed to go on without him. he just called to tell me that he sat up an apptointment w/a mediator already! i want to throw up.

[mishka422]

Oh hope, I'm so sorry. You really do need to speak to a L or at least a paralegal to get advice.

I understand your pain and I'm right here to listen. You need to try to stay calm. I know that's not easy but deep breaths and lots of meditation will help.

I know this is all terribly fresh so it's flooding over you in waves of sadness and panic. Have you gone to see a C? You really do need someone to help you talk through your feelings and that can give you constructive coping techniques.

Is your family nearby? If not, could you get to them for support with living arrangements temporarily? The less you have hanging over your head right now the better.

Hope, again, I want to encourage you to call a therapist. I know it doesn't always seem like talking to a stranger would help but it really does. They are outside of your situation and can really focus on just helping you, not getting wrapped up in all the other emotions like family and friends can.

Talk to me hope. I'll be here as often as I can for you as will everyone else here. This is an amazing group of supportive people.

You will be ok. BREATHE!!!!

[mishka422]

hope - how are you doing tonight? I've been thinking about you all afternoon and wanted to check in with you.

[a new 2moro]

H99 2 words---LAWYER UP!

your h needs to know all the ramifications of a D....and you need to know your rights.

oh and your h is so following the script

[MissH]

Hope, I sooo....agree that your H is following the script.

I feel your pain because I was exactly where you were.

Is it me, or do most of these MLCers seem to want to go with a mediator?

I know mine did.

It's like they feel, oh, let's go our seperate way, still be friends, and the mediator will split everything up 50/50.

Uhhhhh.....that is not how it generally works.

Hope, get a lawyer ASAP.

I am sorry you are hurting so much. These MLCers tend to always drop the D bomb on special days, like holidays and such.

(((((((hugs))))))))

[TRUSTING]

Hope 99,

I feel so much of your pain. I am hear to tell you it will get better. Get a lawyer. Get on some antidepressants as soon as you can. You do not know how this will play out.

We are here for you to help you through the steps.

Find comfort in your friends and people at work.

[hope99]

thank you so much everyone. yesterday was the worst day of my life by far. i went to my doc and he gave me xanax but so far all it does is make me tired. i couldn't even get up for work today. then i went to a counselor. i don't know that it helped but maybe in the future it will.
i need to get out of my house today. i'm feeling really depressed and alone. i went to put on my rings like i do everyday and almost threw up. my engagement ring and wedding band are so beautiful and i'm so used to wearing them. now they're just sitting in my jewelry box.
i still haven't eaten since sunday. i just can't bring myself to do it. H stayed at home last night, in our bed. as messed up as it sounds its kind of comforting for him to be here. i'm not sure what i would do here all alone. i don't know if i could get through.
my family is in another state and all of our friends are his friends. his parents have been really supportive of me but let's face it...they're his family not mine. the support will only last so long.
i'm not doing good. i don't know what to do with myself. the crying is nonstop. i know he won't change his mind. i had a little bit of hope left that he would but i groveled, and pleaded, and begged last night and it did no good. his mind is made up. the man i thought i would spend the rest of my life with is gone. i have no friends here just my dogs. i feel like curling up in a ball and never waking up again.