Please help...need MLC advice

[tpaschal]

Hello, all. Hope you had a happy and blessed Easter.

Mine was blessed, in many ways, but the "happy" part was harder. The kids and I had our traditional Easter morning egg hunt in the house, ooh-ed and aah-ed over what the Easter bunny brought, then got ready and went to church. We went to in-laws afterwards and spent the afternoon there. Ate lunch, hunted eggs, blew bubbles, and flew kites. I know I'm blessed to have my children healthy and with me, and blessed to have the support of my in-laws (even though sometimes they drive me nuts!), but still feel so lost and alone.

I did find joy in the small things---flying kites with the kids, etc., but happiness? I'm finding that very hard.

I posted in TRUSTING's thread that my H is missing out not just on seeing his kids grow up, but on the last years of his parents' lives.

I just don't understand it.

During the Easter sermon, several things the pastor said reminded S9 of what was happening with Daddy, and he whispered to me throughout. Breaks my heart.

In the evening D14 asked if H had called or texted at all, and I told her no. I encouraged her to call him, but she quietly refused. I think she's afraid of more rejection.

WHEN is H going to WAKE UP???

And WHY do I KEEP asking that???????

[tpaschal]

I am in a tailspin.

I'm working on the GAL thing, and working on being a better me and a better mom, and I am making changes that I like, but I'm still obsessing about H and OW, and about how to handle the D process.

I just wish someone could tell me what to DO! I'm getting lots of advice from people around me, but none of them have gone through this situation. Even my single divorced mom friends don't understand DB'ing, or why I'd want to DB.

I have some people telling me to go dark, or dim, and I know there are advantages to that, but then I read something like the Charlyne Cares newsletter and I think I need to remain warm and welcoming---the safe port in the storm. And how can I be a safe port if I've gone NC?

I feel like I'm floundering. I can't decide on a course of action. I'm praying, but I feel blocked. I know that's from my end, not God's, but I'm lost as to what to do about it.

I don't want a D, and H knows it, and I've said it to him often enough (bad DB'ing!), but how do I handle it since he's pushing it forward?

I guess what I'm wanting is a crystal ball. I want someone to tell me how to handle each minute detail.

My in-laws are actually urging me to go dark right now (though they've waffled terribly on this over the past year---one minute telling me to FORCE him to take more responsibility for his kids, the next minute telling me to realize that H is sick and to just ignore his existence as much as possible since the kids are maybe better off NOT spending too much time with him right now), but how do I realistically go dark when we have 3 kids? And is it the right thing to do?

H doesn't call or text the kids (and hasn't since he moved out), the kids don't want to call him (D14 actively resists calling him, S9 and D5 just don't think about it---sadly, they've gotten used to not talking to him often even though they miss him a lot), so what's the right way to handle this?

I had hoped that after the Temporary Orders Hearing 2 wks. ago (temporary child support, spousal support, and visitation were set up), H would be better about seeing the kids. H keeps saying he---wants a D...wants to move on with his life...this is how it's going to be...the kids will be fine...he plans to start seeing them more...... But then he doesn't want to hear what's really going on with them or do anything about helping them and doesn't hold up his end of taking care of them.

My kids had Spring Break last week, and even though his L told him at the hearing that it was technically his year to have the kids for SB, I knew there was no way he could/would take off work a whole week to take care of them. (Even though the week before he took off one or two days to go to an OW family wedding in FL and played on the beach with OW's nephew.) I was trying to be friendly, and also to think of what's best for my kids (definitely NOT sitting in apt. all week with D14 babysitting all day every day) and said I would work with him on that.

He had the kids for the first wknd. of SB, but then made no plans to see them AT ALL for the rest of the week or for Easter.

For the past few holidays and family birthdays, either his parents or I have made an effort to invite H and include him in our plans. Some events have gone well and everyone had a nice time, but others have been nightmares (i.e. Christmas). His parents have only seen him on those occasions and on one or two other occasions when H has had the kids for the weekend and goes to their house for a few hours---it's like he doesn't know what to do with them anymore, so he gets his parents to take over.

But for Easter his parents didn't want to contact him, and I didn't ask him, call him, or text him about his plans. As a result, he made NO contact with his kids.

I had wanted to invite him to church or to lunch after church with us. I KNOW he would not have gone, and I had absolutely NO expectations of him saying yes, so it wouldn't have hurt me. But I think he might have asked to see the kids for a while---to take them to lunch or to the park.

A friend of mine who recently got divorced said I or D14 or S9 should have called or texted him to ask him when he planned to see the kids on Easter, to at least give him the opportunity. She said that MLC or not, divorced or not, most men won't take the initiative to do that---they depend on their wives or ex-wives to plan the kids' schedules and then just let them know. (This may be an overgeneralization, but it is often true, and I do this for the kids' weekly sports/activity schedules.) But should I for other things?

It's true that would be the "friendly" thing to do, but wouldn't I just be enabling his current behavior? I KNOW I can't control him or his current choices no matter how much I'd like to, but do I have to enable him to have his cake and eat it, too? He's a grown man who proved in the past that he KNOWS HOW to be a good dad (and a good husband), and by not doing so now it is HIS choice, not mine.

But the kids are the ones who are sad. So what should I have done? What was the RIGHT thing to do? Is there a right thing?

See what I mean? Tailspin.

Spin...spin...spin.

[tpaschal]

I know my posts tend to be long-winded, but I sure would love some thoughts...advice...2x4's...

I know I can't base my actions on how H will respond. I know I need to do what's right for ME and for my kids....but the problem is I can't even discern what that IS right now!

Meredith gave me some great advice---to pretend like H is on a desert island and unavailable. That really has been helping with how to handle kids and bills and stuff on a day to day basis, but I still struggle.

Help!

[tpaschal]

Had a heartbreaking conversation with S9 tonight on the way home from soccer practice.

Don't know how to handle this. Talked to S9 the best way I know how, but don't know whether or not to share it with H.

I'm pretty new here so have only posted on a few threads....I don't want to hijack anyone else's thread, but I've posted 3 or 4 times today on my own thread and have no responses. What should I do differently to ask for feedback, help, or advice?

I'm feeling very lost and alone.

Please.....help.

[Upside]

Hi tp-
I am sorry for what you are going through...and my heartbreaks for your kids. I didn't go back and read your long post...I'm headed to bed right now but I will try to read it in the morning...though I can't promise any great wisdom here. Anyway, I did just want to say to keep posting on your thread and other threads...you will get people to respond. I know you posted to dianamo today...keep doing that...or you have a question for the the "oldtimer's", go to their threads (if they have one) or find a thread that they regularly post on and ask them to come and check out your thread. The more you post and build relationships here, the more repsonses you will get.

Hang in there tp. There are many of us here, so you aren't alone...and we will try to help you so can find your way.

<3
Upside

[tpaschal]

UD,

Thanks so much for your response. Sometimes it just helps to know that someone else is listening, even if they do nothing nmore than listen, you know?

But if you or anyone else has any insights and/or advice, bring it on!

Thanks, UD.

[Grace_O]

Hey tpaschal,

You asked about what you should have done regarding asking your H about Easter etc. While I know that sometimes H's kind of expect their W's or xW's to schedule things, I am one of those that think they need to cowboy up and show their kids they have the intent to be active in their lives. He's making other choices for himself and he has the ability to choose a R (or not) with his kids. I never blame my H to our D's, but I don't rescue him either. His R with them is his responsibility. That's just my two cents (and notice where we're meeting...).

I know all of this is overwhelming, but the desert island idea is a good one. Whatever you can do to get through the day in a good mental state. If it isn't good now it will be, just have faith and keep coming here.

HUGS

[tpaschal]

Hey tpaschal,

You asked about what you should have done regarding asking your H about Easter etc. While I know that sometimes H's kind of expect their W's or xW's to schedule things, I am one of those that think they need to cowboy up and show their kids they have the intent to be active in their lives. He's making other choices for himself and he has the ability to choose a R (or not) with his kids. I never blame my H to our D's, but I don't rescue him either. His R with them is his responsibility. That's just my two cents (and notice where we're meeting...).

Grace,

Thanks for the hugs and encouragement.

I think I did right by not contacting H at Easter---by leaving the ball in his court about whether or not he contacted the kids---by letting his relationship with them be up to him---but it does hurt to see them hurt.

I try not to badmouth H to the kids, but sometimes I am at a loss as to what I SHOULD say. When S9 is feeling sad and depressed and missing his dad and asking me why this is happening and why didn't Daddy come over, etc., what do I say? I don't want to lie and tell him Daddy was busy or out of town or something, so I've been trying to tell him in language a 9 year old would understand that Daddy loves him very much but is struggling with some things and is very confused right now.

My kids know about the OW, though the two younger ones have not laid eyes on her (except in pics of H and OW together that OW has hung up all over H's apt.) since this all started more than a year ago, and they refer to her as "the girl" or "that girl." The 5 year old actually came up with---ON HER OWN---"that girl who stoled our Daddy away." Out of the mouths of babes, right? LOL!

We pray for H every night, and since they know about OW, we pray for her, too. We keep it short and simple.

If anyone has any good ideas about what to say to the kids about H when they are hurting from him not pursuing a relationship with them, I'd appreciate it.

[tpaschal]

Got a call from my Lawyer today. Wants to meet tomorrow. Wants to know where to go from here. Everything's gone very slowly so far, but Judge will probably set a court date for the end of summer. Need to get all the info. we can. I feel physically sick.

Question: At Temporary Orders Hearing on March 12, H agreed in front of both lawyers to go to counseling---for the kids, but with me, too. Of course, he probably only agreed to not look like a putz in front of the lawyers.

I didn't do anything about it yet because last week was Spring Break busy, and because I'm not sure how to proceed. Should I just set up an appointment and tell him about it? Should I ask who he wants to use? I was seeing a psychiatrist, and D14 and S9 were seeing a child and family psychologist (who was the one who recommended the DR book to me) back in the fall, but should we start from scratch now that H will be involved? D14 and S9 are really struggling right now and need to go to counseling, with him or without him.

Also, at the hearing we agreed to put the house on the market. I don't want to, but there's no way I'll be able to afford this house on my own, so have no choice. H sent me a text last week asking if I had contacted the realtor yet. I truly cannot remember if I said in the meeting that I would do that. Should I? Or should I leave that ball in his court?

Gah!! I think I'm having anxiety attacks.

[Upside]

(((tp))))
I am sorry for all you are going through.

I have some people telling me to go dark, or dim, and I know there are advantages to that, but then I read something like the Charlyne Cares newsletter and I think I need to remain warm and welcoming---the safe port in the storm. And how can I be a safe port if I've gone NC?

You can get all kinds of well meaning advice but ultimately you have to do what is best for you and only you can figure that out. What it is that makes it easier for you to get through the day? If going dark works best for you, then do it. If being warm and welcoming while focusing on your own life, detaching, GAL, blah, blah, blah, then do it.

A friend of mine who recently got divorced said I or D14 or S9 should have called or texted him to ask him when he planned to see the kids on Easter, to at least give him the opportunity. She said that MLC or not, divorced or not, most men won't take the initiative to do that---they depend on their wives or ex-wives to plan the kids' schedules and then just let them know.

It is always good to encourage your H to have a relationship with his children because it is in your children's best interest to have a relationship with him but I am not sure I agree with your friend. He is responsible for making some effort as well and if he doesn't, your kids will know.

As far as C goes, do you think your H would have a preference about a C to use? If not, then just make the appointment. And if you thing your kids need C, then by all means, go make an appointment.

Also, at the hearing we agreed to put the house on the market. I don't want to, but there's no way I'll be able to afford this house on my own, so have no choice. H sent me a text last week asking if I had contacted the realtor yet. I truly cannot remember if I said in the meeting that I would do that. Should I? Or should I leave that ball in his court?

Again, what is best for you? Do you need to move right away? If you can't afford the house then it might be best if you got the ball rolling. If you aren't in any hurry to move for any reason, then let him take care of selling it.

There's my two cents worth. Just know that we are here for you. Keep posting and venting...and know that life will eventually get easier.

<3
Upside