The mistress has more than I can offer

[Dayana]

hi Sara
Sorry you don't live near a beach!
I'm glad you have had some positives, but sorry about the down times.
I am trying my best to stay positive, but I just don't know how to interpret H's actions. He keeps saying we need to talk about things but then he refuses to talk - he makes excuses, he's too tired, has to go, etc. When I pressed him the other night, he said he is going to see his brother next weekend (in another state) and he'll talk to me after that. But he has said this kind of thing plenty of times before and nothing has happened.

Unfortunately last night he came over and hopped into bed and we were intimate which I totally regret, as I feel used and I feel violated. I feel like I felt for a long time in the marriage - I have had a horrible feeling all day about it. And he has not phoned me at all today even though I have left messages as I need to talk about arrangements with the kids. So I am wondering if he is seeing OW again (he denies but who knows).
So all in all I am feeling rather uncomfortable but trying hard not to let it get me down.
Yesterday I invited some friends over for a BBQ for the first time since H left - it was a challenge I set myself as I had a fear about entertaining on my own. But it as really good, and I am proving to myself bit by bit that I can be a whole person without him.

Hope your days are going better.