It's funny. The MLC board is full of these little snippets posted by our moderators these days that tell us how we SHOULD be advising people. I think most of us on your thread are violating about all of them. Either we're totally screwed up, or they're totally clueless of what the MLC mess is all about.
Never advise a person to get rid of their spouse? Hmmm....
I don't think people are advising others to 'get rid' of their spouse. I think, as far as I am seeing in my thread, people are advising me to put some DISTANCE between she and I for my own mental health.
If the moderators see that as a negative, then there is a problem in their interpretation of the '180' and 'detaching'. Sometimes detaching requires PHYSICAL separation. In my case that's the only way I'll be able to truly detach. It's also the only way W will ever truly learn what she is abandoning - the only person who has given her unconditional love most of her life.
Quote:
Well, you know me and my thoughts Frank. I've never ruled out a positive outcome AT SOME POINT DOWN THE LINE, but for now? You NEED this woman out of your life and out of your mind. The most important order of business for FRANK right now is to find your way to some peace of heart and mind. She only makes this more difficult, if not darned near impossible.
Yep, I know this to be true, and if there is a MODERATOR reading this let me assure them that this is not a 'get rid of her, get a divorce' kind of thing. We need SPACE. I need to regroup and rebuild myself before I can do anything else.
Tonight she is at 'her household', i.e. the 'house sitting dog place'. She had D12 over for dinner. D12 didn't want to stay overnight tonight either so W is alone again.
When she left earlier she sounded kind of sad when she said 'bye'. She tried to start a conversation with me but I kept being silent and she wouldn't take the 'hint' and go away. She kept trying to be funny or make jokes. Weird.
Every day, I get a little more detached from this and every day I keep thinking about 'who I am'.
I know on this board we're anonymous, and that's a good thing. As my best (and until now - only) friend John said to me tonight "I'm still trying to understand how YOU, of all people, could be in this place. You've created technology companies worth millions of dollars, and now you're barely paying your mortgage??? Why? Where is that 'Frank' who creates complex technological solutions for people like Sony, Cisco and others? How did you fall so far?"
I really have spent a long time trying to figure that part out. In my 'Rolodex' I have phone numbers of VP's of fortune 500 companies and others who respect me, and think I am able to do great things.
Yet I crashed and burned. I understand that part, but I do NOT understand why I stayed 'down' for so long. Except that I'm now realizing that I had 'help'. I chose someone to be my wife who was a drain on me. Which wasn't a bad thing when I was strong. But when I was weak, it was toxic.
It was toxic. And when I turned to alcohol as my 'medicine' it was nearly fatal.
While I cannot 'blame' her for my shortcomings, I can give her responsibility for our family, which does include me. Unfortunately, she will not take that responsibility. I will, but it's a lot to carry right now. I'm no hero at all, just a man doing the best I can with what I have been given.
Thanks Bill, Ford, AmyC and everyone.
I REALLY wish Michelle would write a book on Mid life Crisis. However, I think that ANYONE who writes a book on that topic would be in big trouble because no matter WHAT they say, they would be wrong and get sued! MLC is NUTS!
Bworl's post was great. "How long can you tread water?" keeps coming to mind.
Exactly! And pretty funny, too. He has a great point here. More important, though, is his point to take the focus off of her. One of the reasons you may be having so much trouble focusing on your work is because your mind is so filled up with W. Clean that stuff out. It doesn't matter. She doesn't matter. YOU DO MATTER. YOUR CHILDREN MATTER.
Ellie's point is also right on the mark. Forgiveness is key. Can you look at W as the poor messed up person that she is? Can you find the place in your heart to accept and forgive that she wasn't there for you? I know it is hard but it is essential to moving on. I'm guessing that she has already moved through that process. I'm sure she feels that you were not there for her or that you didn't live up to your end of the bargain in the marriage. Perhaps she has forgiven you for that and has accepted that that is the way it is. She "small talks" and makes jokes because she has moved on. Frank, although her actions are incredibly insensitive, downright cruel at times, I don't think your W hates you or doesn't care about you. She just doesn't want to be married to you. It's all about her right now. Take a clue from her and make your life ALL ABOUT FRANK.
Hugs,
Spitfire
PS: I still think time away from her would be a tremendous help. 24 to 48 hours of not having to deal with her at all. It might help your mental outlook improve.
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Well, W came home from taking D17 to look at the campuses of local colleges in our area. D17 tells me W is 'freaking out' because she's having her period and while they were out she has been bleeding more than normal and it's not stopping.
So, I go to W's 'room' and ask her if she's all right, can I do anything for her, does she need to go to the doctors, etc.
She tells me she's got the names of some OBGYN's and is going to call them, going from slightly 'tearful' to 'strong' as she talks. Ok, so I see she doesn't 'need' me so I leave her alone.
A few minutes later she comes into my office and gives me an 'update' and tells me that she's waiting for a call back from a doctor, still going from 'tearful' to 'strong'. I ask her if there is anything I can do to let me know, and she seems shaken so I offer her a hug, and she says no. She turns and leaves, going to the house she is 'house sitting'.
Shes gone now. I'm sure she'll be all right. Don't know why, after rejecting my concern for her while talking to her in her room, she comes into my office to give me more information, then rejects a hug. I'm giving up trying to figure her out.
She sure seems to have everything under control. Guess that's her life. Now I'm doing the same for myself.
Well, she came back to the house for some reason. I came in and overheard her talking to someone on the phone, explaining she had seen a doctor, had tests, etc...
She seemed less upset so it must be ok. She didn't come and tell me anything, just left the house again a few minutes later. So, I guess she doesn't need to talk to me about it. Almost forgot we're getting divorced, she's detaching. Silly me.
And finally: She called a few minutes ago from the other 'house'. Asked me if I could take care of dinner for the girls. Said she is going to 'take it easy'. I asked about the doctor visit, she told me very little and overall seemed like she didn't want to talk to me at all. So I told her to take care of herself and said goodbye.
I REALLY wish Michelle would write a book on Mid life Crisis. However, I think that ANYONE who writes a book on that topic would be in big trouble because no matter WHAT they say, they would be wrong and get sued! MLC is NUTS!
Frank, I read Kathleen Brehony's "Awakening at Midlife". It provided me with the tools I needed to understand where I am and also a lot about why I was having an "Awakening" and my W a "Crisis". She probably thinks she is also having an awakening, but not so much.
This was really powerful stuff for me, based alot on Karl Jung's philosophy (he went through the granddaddy of all MLCs when he acknowledged to himself that he did not really believe in Freud's theories, even though he was Freud's hand-picked successor) and also some Bhuddist ideas.
If this is not the book for you, but there are many others as well!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
That actualy sucks big time. Its not about you , its her defence mechanism and it may have little to do with how she feels deep down , its what she wants you to see , what she thinks she needs to do.
try not to let it get to you and back to your number one project , thats you.
Went to another DivorceCare meeting. This one was about finances and stuff like that. A good group of people and they had a financial planner and a lawyer.
On the way home around 9 pm I drove by the house W was staying at since it's just down the street. She had a friend there who was leaving at the time, so I guess she wasn't alone tonight.
About 20 minutes later she calls the house and I answer
Me: (pleasant) Hi W: Can I talk to D12? At least I can say goodnight to her since 'they' won't come over and visit me.
Me: Ok, I'll get her for you.
So, that was weird. She's 'pretending' that she's living on her own and the girls aren't too excited about going 2 blocks down the street to hang out with her. Wait till it's 'for real' and it's 2 miles away or more.
Frank, for a lady who is so into happiness she sure doesn't seem to practise it much! The snarky, poor me remarks remind me so much of my XW. Wow, you'd think since they've decided to unload us, the cause of all their grief, they'd be so much happier now, wouldn't ya!
