A lot has happened today. I sometimes think that life will never be normal, or maybe this is normal and I just haven't figured it out yet.
Just before I left the house my MIL called sobbing so much I didn't recognize her voice, I only knew it was her because of the caller id. Apparently my FIL and STBX had a MAJOR blow up on the phone and FIL said everything he has wanted to say for the last year and a half. He told STBX that ow has no place at the funeral or in his (FIL's) life and never will, that she would do well to steer clear of him completely. That I had every right to be at the funeral as I have been friend with the family for the last 20 years and know everyone there and ow knows nobody. That he can't believe that STBX would let this woman run the show, that STBX can't even visit his own children without her coming along. He said he can't imagine what type of woman she is who would put herself in these positions. STBX told FIL that ow is in his life and that it the way it is and everyone is going to have to get used to it. That he is going to Chicago to bury one of his best friends and she is coming with him. He told FIL that he has only $57 dollars to his name and that he has a lot of debt and that the Ls and I want more money from him and he can't do it, that he would have been better off if he had jumped off a bridge and ended it all. He said if he wasn't living with ow he would be on the street and showering at a gym or something. FIL said he had done all of this to himself.
MIL is still sobbing and saying she has asked FIL not to draw the line in the sand for so long and today he did. She is terrified that STBX will never speak to them again. On top of all of this the friend of ours that passed away was actually THEIR friend for the last 40 years or so, so they are heartbroken over his passing as well as all this drama. MIL said she felt really bad but asked me to not go to the funeral as a favor to her because she thinks that FIL and STBX are so volatile right now that my being there might cause a huge to do. I told her that I didn't know what to do. That I love and respect our friend and his wife and family and wanted to be there for them, to pay my respects and give them my love. She said she knows and she will make sure that everyone knows exactly why I'm not there. I told her out of my love for her I will stay home even though I think it is completely unfair and hurts me deeply. You had to hear the panic in her voice, I can't bring myself to break her heart any more than it already has been, and I do love her very much.
So I called my friend today to find out where to send a donation in honor of her H. She asked if I was coming, I told her I was until this morning and I explained the situation. She said "no, no, you listen to me if you want to be here you should, you are just like family to us and XXXX loved you as much as he loved STBX." I told her I know that and that I appreciate it but that my MIL must have a very good reason for asking me not to go since just the day before she was encouraging me to and having me stay with them at the friend's house. That I haven't gotten the entire story yet but I have to trust that it is for a very good reason. That my heart will be with her and her family and that I love them dearly and am very hurt that I was asked not to come. I told her I don't want her to feel that I don't want to be there, that I love them as family too and my heartbreaks that I can't come and no, I don't know if I will be able to live with myself for not coming but I don't want to be the cause of anymore pain. She said she understands but she is not happy with MIL for asking me not to go but will have to get the whole story when there is time. So I hope MIL isn't upset that I called our friend but I needed to.
I told my girls that "Uncle XXX" passed away. Oh my I have never seen them sob like that before. D5 said she would trade her toys and house to have "Uncle XXX" back and D9 said she thought I was going to say STBX was going to M ow and she could have lived with that if only she could have "Uncle XXX" back. I just hugged them and reminded them how much he loved them and that he lived a good life and was a very gracious man. Sweet kids, they have had so much to deal with.
I do have to admit one thing I feel really ashamed of. When STBX called me the other day he started the convo with "are the kids with you?" I said no they were with my mom. He asked for her number so he could say hi. I gave it to him then he told me about our friend. I talked to him about it for a couple of minutes then he made to get off the phone, at which point I asked if he had gotten my message from the day before, he said no. I told him when he had a chance we needed to talk, not right now, but that we needed to work out the support payments for our settlement since he wanted to get it done and I realized what he is offering I can't live off of.
I feel so badly for even bringing it up at the time. In my head I kept thinking "don't say it, don't say it" but it was out of my mouth before I could stop it. I have no one to blame but myself and yes it was poor timing. If he would just call me back once in a while I wouldn't be backed up against the wall to ask him questions. I panicked and I am forever going to regret brooching this topic then. I didn't do it because I was insensative about our friend passing, I loved him very much. I can't even begin to figure out what in the H#LL possessed me to say it. But now I am hating myself for it, it makes me sound self-centered and greedy and that is so far from the truth. I did send him a TM saying that I know he loved XXX like a father and I hope that he is doing alright and I was very sorry. He thanked me for the message. But I feel that I can't ever make up for it. I'm a heal I guess.
I'm finding it very hard to sleep again with all this going on. I hate stress.
