Can I tell you something that is strange and even funny about women? I will use the story about my son when he was a teenager. There was this beautiful girl that went to our church and he really had a crush on her (as they say now, he had the "hots" for her, big time....lol). But, when he tried to win her over enough to even get a date ......she walked all over him. I am sure she could just look in his face and see the "hound dog" look in his eyes. But, she was enjoying making him miserable! That little twit was using all her female whelms to make him do tricks! Finally, he woke up and realized the game she was playing with him. So, this is what he did.....and I was so proud of him...I didn't even have to tell him how to handle this...lol.
Everytime there was a group standing around talking, he made sure that he got in the group and talked to somebody. Or manybe it wouldn't be a group....maybe just another guy. My son was never rude to her, but he just didn't pay her much attention at all. It was like he did not have the time of day for her. So guess what happened? She started coming around to him and trying to get his attention! She would walk up to him while he was talking (or listening) to another person, and he would look at her.....smile that charming smile of his and say, "Hi", and then immediately turn his attention back to the other person and really ignored the girl.
It is kind of hard to explain, but it is like he was always charming and polite....nice and friendly....but the secret was that he did not treat her or show that she was any thing special to him. First thing you know......she is all over him (lol). it was so funny to watch b/c I knew exactly what was going on.
The thing is that women are still like this girl even after they grow up. It is that particular man they think they can't have that they want. The man that doesn't give them the time of day that they want to force him to notice her! It is the challenge! That is why some women can really end up making a fool out of themselves. We have all seen that happen.
Okay, how do you do this in your stitch when you are married with children? You said something that made me think that the two of you see each other at work? If so, you can really show her that she is just another employee......nobody special to you. You treat her like you treat everyone else there.....professional.....polite.....throw in a tad of charm and a warm smile......but do not linger around her.....do not talk to her except when necessary and strickly business or something to do about the kids games, etc. Then, keep the same type of personality.....a little distant, but warm and charming.....you know, like she wants...professional!
Make yourself unavailable!! Stay busy all the time....at least appear to be busy. Learn how to be friendly to others at the work place so you don't appear to be a loner. Make a point to stop and chat a little bit with others around her.....but not chat with her. If she comes up to you as if to join in the coversation, do like my son did.
At the ball games for the kids.....do the same thing. I bet you know some parents there that you can talk with and sit with. Of course you will speak to your wife and appear to be friendly....but don't linger....move on quicly. Keep all the talks about the kids, house, everything professional.
This is detaching! You have to have a certain amount of contact with her, but in your manner and actions......you are showing you are detaching from her. This is when she will start to notice you. Let you charming self show to others. She may pretend not to notice.....but she will. Regain the qualities that drew her to you when you got that first date with her.
She may resist at first b/c of not trusting or trying to convince herself she wants her freedom, but if you are really making the physical, mental and overt changes that you claim......she can't help but notice.
The biggest thing now is do not pursue her. Everything is pressure to her. Don't ask her to watch the DVD or read the books or anything like that. I know how badly you want her to, but it is pressure. Everytime you bring up the subject of the R, it is like poison to her. You might as well shoot her down b/c you will have to start this thing all over again from the beginning. Keep that in mind whenever you are tempted. It shows weakness, and women hate that in their H's.
I think one thing she needs to learn about being on her own and having her "freedom", is the responsibility that goes along with it. If she is going to live on her own, you should not be expected to support her. The kids, yes, but not her. Women don't realize they can't live on child support only.....it is just for the kids. And, I've learned by reading a lot of post here on the board that some H's think they are suppose to continue to make the house payments, etc. That is bull. If she can't make the payments.....she should downsize to what she can afford. Some men say they don't want their kids to have to live with less (talking about nice homes, etc.), but I think the woman has to see how it is going to be without her H in the picture. Man, if I could have stayed here in my home and my H leave and yet pay all the bills.....I would have thought I was in hog heaven! That is not what you want for her.
Okay, enough of that for one night. Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
