I am sitting here typing this and seeing that I have long allowed many things to get in the way of my Happiness. I allow myself to get in my own way. Old habits are hard to break. Ugh....
My H and I talked on the phone yesterday for no less than 2 hours straight........ it was absolutely amazing.
He made it thru the whole time without his temper flaring.... he also allowed me to say things I used to be afraid to say. I also made it thru without interupting him too much.
We talked a lot about our sex life and we also talked about our relationship in general. He said we need to wor on our sex lifa but also our R and be aware and for me to remember what he said. He wants me to.....................~ he needs me to initiate a lot more..... enjoy myself more..... be more creative..... remember he loves me.... he thinks I am beautiful , always has. he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but he wants to live it to the fullest not be Vanilla be an exotic flavor like maracuya ( passion fruit*)....... be more sponataneous..... rty to understnad him better... do what he likes.... support him in his Business and life.... Be a part of his health and well being.... take charge.......... be a B*tch once in awhile ,( be more agressive and assertive * ) show him whos boss once in awhile..... enjoy myself and let go more and yet at the same time be more aupportive of him and lift him up and be more loving to him..... realize he needs me..... be vulnerable and let him see my joy and my pain and show him how I love him,, ne needs to feel me.
When our conversation was done I looked at the phone and couldnt believe we spo[e for that long and that I heard him and he heard me.... I started to tell him "..... well if I stumble and fall..."
and he said there is no room for stumbling honey just do it.
As much as I want to compare him to a drill seargeant he is right. I also would not expect him to keep stumbling and falling . I would expect if he loved me to give it his best and if just by chance he stumbled and fell I would get him up and brush him and and expect him to keep moving forward. But constant falling like he used to is no longer acceptqable so I also musy seize the moment and devour him and leave him with a big smile on his face.
I have been trying to tap my inner sexual diva. I am trying to feel like a sensual being and allow myself to feel sexy more~! When I talk to him on the phone I say naugthy stuff and I also smile a lot more and I am also taking Ginko Biloba ( sp ). I read last year it helps Libido somehow. But also I am just realizing I need to ~desire him more. Not so much search for the feeling in me , or to always be in the "mood ". I need to desire him and then hopefully all the rest will flow. I am scared but at the same time I realize that he wants me to feel this and to feel him , I need to face the fact that he wants intimacy and stop being so d*mn afraid of it. he even told me when he has gotten into heated discussions with me he wants to ML to me to show me he loves me and nothing else matters. That was very insightful.... I always took at is " how dare you want to ML to me right now........." he added .. that is the way I show you I love you.
I have gotten that in the past but then I forget that is the way he says a big ILY to me. I can live on a spoken ILY but he needs to ML the ILY to live and to feel alive.
I am tired of repeating myself and talking about the same things over and over I want to talk about new things we encounter and new things we learn, not focus on the problem but have fun with the solution. I want to move forward..........
