I think T started posting in December sometime, and before that there was NC for about a month, so it must be between 4-5 months now.
Me recollection is that the last contact was that T's B sent an e-mail saying something about the mail (changing the forwarding address, or thanking her for sending it?). T will obviously be able to fill you in more accurately and in greater detail!
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
Just one thing, the bunny ones says, "shape in to bunnies", like it was just adding a cup of flour! I always get a kick out of directions that sort of gloss over the impossible steps!
Jeff, I was confused about the "shape into bunnies" instruction also. It took a couple experiments... and I was working from a distant memory of eating these as a child. But I am delighted that you actually read the recipe
Lisa, Man, you are GOOD! That is right... last contact was a one line cold email from B thanking me for mailing him his mail.
Where! thank you for supporting my thread!!! I am so happy to "see" you!
Ali, thank you for your thoughts on my plan. I really appreciate what you've said. I got the idea from JamesJohn's "coming out of the dark thread", and my friend who compared it to "tapping" has three siblings who suffer from depression, so that's kind of where I was coming from. Maybe I will discuss my thoughts further below.... But I always want you to tell me what you think, even if we disagree!!
Well, it looks like my plan to contact B is somewhat controversial. Luckily we have five-six more weeks before we officially hit the "6 months of no contact mark"... which is when I'm planning to reach out... which will be.... May 2nd if we want to be precise. So there is plenty of time to discuss. the idea of reaching out with very small gifts and cards comes straight from JamesJohn's "coming out of the dark" thread.
Basically... It is highly possible that B thinks I hate his guts. He has no idea I have been DB'ing, going to therapy, working on my issues, brainstorming, praying, journaling, etc. To recap our last few interactions:
-Oct 30: He tells me he's leaving over the web cam and I handle it medium well (I stay pretty "calm" but bombard him with my own analysis) -Nov 1: At the appointed time for us to have our next conversation, I tell him I'm not ready to talk to him and will contact him when I am. I have not called him since. -following week: I send him a package of his mail that got forwarded to my house by mistake, I don't include a note. -a week later: he sends me an extremely cold "thank you for sending my mail" email. I do not respond. -Then four to five months go by...
Also, he is in New York City and I am in Atlanta, which means we are almost 900 miles apart. There is no easy way for me to "run into him" or see him casually.
So--what I'm thinking--with the "gifts of real giving"--is that the gift contains a message. The specific first gift I am thinking about sending is an inexpensive paperback collection of essays by a theologian he was very excited about. (We watched a DVD interview of the theologian a couple years ago). With a card that is humorous on the outside, but blank on the inside (already got one). Inside I would write something like, "Dear B, Saw this and thought of you. Hope you're doing well. T" I wait and see how he responds. If it is positive, then, the next gesture could be a silly postcard that reminds me of a story he told me about his past. Or, a copy of instructions on how to make beer from scratch from my favorite magazine (he is quite handy, and used to make biodisel, and likes beer). I could also shuffle the order on these gestures.
The reason I am interested in sending a gift is that it has some weight. It says, "I care about you, I remember what you like. I know things about you that know one else knows. I thought of you and found this special thing to share with you." Without me having to say those things. I feel like I want to show some intention. Not just like, "hey, how's it going?" as if these past six months never happened.
What do you think? It's almost like I'm sending a gift because I want him to be more likely to respond. I want to put the ball in his court in a way that he is more likely to pitch it back over the net. I feel like the gift is one way to do that. I'm not sure how else to.
Man, this is the longest post ever.... I'm sorry guys, I feel like there's some stuff I've got to "get out" since I took my break from the boards, now I feel like I'm overposting... There is more but I will post it later!
((((HUGS)))) T
P.S. I just found out I got into an awesome music festival in new jersey the first two weeks of june! Hooray!!
Does that clear things up? wed after this wed it will be 5 months since we've talked. What do you think, lady??? How do I work my mojo??? I am open to all ideas...just cause I've got a plan doesn't mean I don't want feedback!!!
I totally agree with what you wrote about Saturn Returns. I need to go back and check what you said when you looked at our charts... I think you said it would be over in july/aug. I guess I could wait until after his Saturn Returns is over to make contact, but that would be 8-9 months of no contact, and the "coming out of the dark" thread says after 2, 3, or 6 months you should reach out. So I wouldn't expect to reconcile anytime in the immediate future... just reestablish communication and hopefully start some kind of friendship... maybe just a series of postcards or something, maybe not even seeing each other in person. What do you think, our trusted resident astrologer????
T! Its is so good to have you back - spreading love and wisdom all over our threads! (And delicious treats!)
I kind of like your gift idea, because they are cute and personal but not too much pressure. You have really great ideas!
My question(s) are: 1. What is BF Love Language? I'm guessing your might be 'gifts' seeing as that is your favorite idea, but BF might not get it?? Of course if touch, or spending time together are BF's LL they are nearly impossible to implement from a distance - so a gift could well be appropriate.
2. Can you think of a plausible excuse to call him? Or text him to ask if you can call him? That way you get to show how fun and happy you are by the tone of your voice, which is much harder to express in a card form?
3. Have you ever wavered in thinking is he really worth it? (Controversial question I know - hope it doesn't offend you - I'm curious but you don't have to answer!!!)
4. How is the long distance thing going to work out for you? (once BF realizes how much he is missing out on not being with you, and desperately tries to win you back - I'm sure that this is just a matter of time!)
God I hope I havent put my foot in my mouth with those questions! You are the loveliest person and I always seem to say something wrong. Here is a big hug just to make up for it (((((T)))))
I thought your post was a good length (I guess I have to say that, being the queen of the long posts myself!)
I like that you're thinking of coming out of the dark- I think it's getting to time when you need to start showing B your changes and re-establish your friendship (IMHO I think waiting 8-9 months might be going too long). I hadn't realised you'd said to B that you'd contact him when you were ready actually- that makes me even more convinced that it's time to do something different- contact!
One thing that worried me a little about sending the gift first off though, is that you posted a while ago that you weren't sure if B is still living in the same place. Would you send the gift to his home/other address?
I guess I would be worried that if you sent something and got no response it might reflect him not getting the gift rather than actually not responding. It makes me inclined to go with Essie's suggestion of an alternative contact method to begin with- maybe an e-mail or text. I know you haven't been too keen on that idea in the past but just wanted to throw it out again just in case!
I'm so happy for you about getting into the music festival. That's fantastic news!!
(((T)))
PS. Essie- I liked your questions. I'd have asked them if you hadn't! PPS. Hope I haven't been too direct T!
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I am beginning to believe it's time to risk a little bit. You have been busting your cute little a^% DBing the last few months. You've been DBing yourself. It's time to start Dbing him.
K
Are you afraid of his reaction? Do you still feel love for him, are you over him? Are you afraid to get out from your "comfort zone"? Enough with the muffins. Let's have some fun...
Its easier to spot beginnnings of transits than endings. The timing of the Saturn Retun ending is very hard to spot..its kind of a gradual maturing process as you move into your 30s, nothing dramatic (as opposed to eclipses, or Uranus transits that can hit with sudden speed). So please dont be concerned about July..I think I said that in the email and attached notes, and that I wouldnt advise waiting that long either.
I'm also a little suprised that you said:-Nov 1: At the appointed time for us to have our next conversation, I tell him I'm not ready to talk to him and will contact him when I am. I have not called him since. If I were your BF, I would have interpreted that as you not caring in some way, or not wanting to fight for it, or just accepting it, or being angry..or I dont know! I just wanted to raise that, as I was surprised that after such a momentous conversation the day before (?) at the bomb..you just left it there and never took the opportunity to talk to him again. I would have been consumed with questions! Were you afraid to speak to him again, in case you belied your emotions or pain? But have you thought about what effect, or what message that would have sent him that you never replied? I think this affects how you approach him now.
So having said that, I definetly think sending him a present, cold, after all this time, when you dont know where he lives, is too much. Its just too full on. Put yourself in his shoes, you've heard not a word from your ex for 6 months, then a book turns up out of the blue? Wouldnt that freak you out? It would me! I'm only trying to honest, to help you! I sense we all want to be gentle with you, this is a big deal...
I think you should look again at the Moon-Pluto stuff I wrote to you, as essentially, this is about control and controlled emotions...you took the decision to not speak to him when you had the chance, then lots of time goes by and now you are hoping that he will respond positively to a thoughtful gift from you. But you didnt leave it on a good note, so I think you just need to reestablish some civil contact first?
Why dont you just give him a call, or like Lisa said, email him? That would be more normal a thing to do with a friend you had fallen out with - in fact, think of it like that, he was a best friend, you had a bust up and havent spoken for 6 months. Would you send a present? Or just a card or letter or email saying hi?
Dont forget your great advice to others...before you can reconcile you have to get past the angry stage and be friends. And then you move to stage 3, romance. Well I reckon thoughtful presents are of the romance variety, not friends (unless it is his birthday) and you arent at the friendship stage yet? In fact, its his birthday in May isnt it? So how about trying to reestablish contact somehow before then, get talking, find out where hes working/living and then send him the book as a birthday present come May time??
I hope this helps, even if I am "swimming against the tide" of opinion here ! But ultimately, you know your BF best, you know your sitch best and yuo should follow your own intuition about what to do as you need only be answerable to yourself then...
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
