They had a photographer there so my D and I got a nice picture. Shoveling wasn't so bad, but we missed on our snowman. My D had a playdate instead.
My W and I have a common goal her/our finances. After she dropped the bomb she went wild with my credit cards. Someone of this board advised me to take the CC away and I did. Behind my back she totaled up a significant amount of debt. I did too but they were either for Christmas or major applicances. Now, my W is tired of hiding how much she owes.
I learned that she's been miserable. Hiding the mail giving collection agencys her cell number. All so I wouldn't know. I wonder how angry she felt towards me having to keep everything a secret.
In our MC session this was one thing we talked about. When I told her I didn't care about money she didn't believe me. Then I commented on how earlier in our M I was trying to build and save our money for the future. Then I slipped and said. Now that we don't have a future there's no reason to save.
Hey Fixer, I know I'm jumping in here a little late, but I couldn't help but notice some things you said on your post back on 2/25.
By any chance are you on anti-depressants? Just asking 'cause some of the things you were saying in your post kind of tipped me off. Anyway, if you are, great, hope they're helping. If not, I would maybe talk to a doctor. I was reluctant to do it, but now I'm very happy I did. Unfortunately, I had to go through kind of a challenging trial and error period to find one that worked without too many side effects, but the effort was worth it. They really make a difference in my ability to GAL, act as if, and generally keep my head straight both at home and work. I figured I was going through one of the most difficult and painful experiences of my life and I could use all the help I could get.
Try not to get too bummed out about the lack of physical contact. It's an MLC thing. They're trying to eliminate their emotional connection to you to validate their feelings, and cutting off the physical part of the relationship is the first thing they do. I don't even try to touch my wife anymore. It's hard, I know, but if she wants a hug or kiss, I let her initiate. Otherwise, you're kind of pushing yourself on her, and that's a bad thing. And if she does give me a hug, I try not to be too enthusiastic and make sure I'm the first to let go.
It's crazy, I know. Sometimes you just want to grab her and give her a long squeeze, but that's just the way it is and you're going to have to get used to it.
Hang in there, my friend.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
I seriously thought about goind on ADs. I had the precription in my hand and was going to fill it. Before I did I expressed my thoughts to our MC about the medication. He said I've been worse off than I am now. We made a deal if I seemed depressed, he would suggest I go on them and I would.
It's a rollercoaster ride. I like rollercoasters but not this one. One minute she's happy and the next minute she's not. I want her affection, but I'm learning to do without.
Thanks for the inquiry, maybe if my posts sound too negative you can suggest ADs. I'll take note of what you say and seriously think about it. I'll then bring it up to my MC and see what he thinks.
Also thanks for the reminder about the MLC and validation. I didn't think of her lack of feelings was her way of trying to validate her lack of L for me.
I don't see that as a big slip. The fact that she's willing to go to MC still is a good thing. I think you have to be honest too. Not in a brutal way, but in a real way.
I said this as we were leaving the office. Our MC joked about the session being a financial one. My W thought he was serious and asked if the fee was different. Then I told her how finances weren't that important to me. This is when I brought up the past.
My W's problems are starting to pile up. Guess who's there for her - me. She doesn't appreciate how much she's got.
We discussed it briefly and her niece is moving in with us. At first I didn't give her an answer b/c she only hinted. Then she said well she's living with us, I can't let her live in the streets. I wouldn't let her live on the streets. I'm not that type of guy.
I feel my kindness, patience and generosity is being put to the test. Please no more.
My niece is now moving in with us. I got a phone call an hour ago and her dad wanted to know why the door was locked. He asked me if my W discussed this with me. Taken off guard I said - yes. So he called her because I wasn't too excited about the idea. I was more than shocked then anything else.
My W called with a angry tone. She asked if everything was okay with me. I didn't know she was going to move in right away. I thought she was going to move in with her mom? Well I think her mom is going through her own MLC. Anyways, I have a new tenant in my little home.
Hey Fixer lets pile up some more crap. Okay.... Then my W discussed her financial problems with me. Well we need so much money before this account goes into collections. I don't have it, I said. We need more information on the bills. Not just the rush ones. I'm trying to come up with a game plan, but there's too much for me right now.
After she comes up with a list of the bills, I might be able to come up with the money.
Her MLC cost us alot of $$$, but at least I was able to keep my credit in tack. Hers on the other hand isn't so good.
I said one thing to my W before our phone conversation ended. I told her please goes a long way with me.
Somtimes I don't know if I can handle this anymore. I see signs my W is improving, but I don't think she will ever say ILY to me again. She's stuborn and selfish. She's telling me her plans and I'm not part of them. Oh, she's willing to let me drop her off at the airport, but that's it.
She getting closer but at the same time she's keeping her distance. She's yelling more at me then she use to, but it doesn't bother me. I don't fight or try to argue.
Today, I told her that whatever is going on in her pretty little head, I can't help her. I said I care and that she's not living her life. I said a few more things but I can't remember what I said. It wasn't said in an angry tone just said.
Sometimes I want her to take D10 and leave. Sometimes I want to be served D papers. Somtimes I want someone to comfort me.
If the opportunity came up would I cheat on my W? So far I don't think so. Why am I thinking like this... I don't know. I've been M for almost 12 years 5 of which she was in MLC. Written down it doesn't look like a W I want to be M to anymore. If D10 wasn't in the mix I probably would have been gone along time ago.
Things are better, but how long before she kisses me?
Things just s*ck way too much in my life. Work there's stress, home there's stress and now with my W's financial crisis even more stress.
All I want is an M life with a woman who loves me.
Slowly she has been coming around. She's accumulated a large debt that we need to get out of. Money was tight for her, creditors were calling and she didn't want to come to me. I came to her with a plan. When our debts are paid we can get a D if this is her choice. I don't think she's leaning towards a D but MLC'ers can be unpredicatable.
Sometimes my W barks at me like a vicious dog. Since she is communicating I'm learning to welcome it. Then there's times where she asks me to do something. I'm curious if she's experimenting. Wondering what and what doesn't work.
I've been accidently touched and our personal barrier has gotten closer. I know a kiss or ML is still out of the question, but I can wish for it.
I hope she keeps improving. I hope I can learn to validate better and more often.
I'm sorry to hear of the additional financial stresses. It's funny how all that could be worked out easier if there was some appreciation and affection. What I wouldn't give for a "real" hug and kiss. I know you understand. I would accept the "barking" too. Any communication would be good. I need to get better at validating too, even though I don't really have much in the way of opportunity. I have to pay attention and be on my game for when I do get the chance.
Today we had a MC session. We didn't go into detail, but we talked about our finances. I discussed how stress I got about a check my W wrote. She was suppose to give me the money but didn't have it. All our MC wanted my W to know was how stessful things were between my W and me.
My W admitted to swearing at me during one of our fights. I told C it didn't bother me b/c she doesn't swear that often. I knew she needed to blow off some steam. Then our MC hinted for her to apologize but my W never got the hint. I laughed b/c we were in the same sitch before. Our MC then asked my W how did if feel to swear at Fixer. She said she felt relieved. She also said she wouldn't make it a habit of it.
