Having that conversation was probably one of the hardest things you've had to do thus far. I know it's difficult, hurts like nothing else, and you have fears, but IMO, you did the right thing. You did exactly what you felt and knew you had to do.
Stay strong.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Thanks. My hope is that my W considers my feelings and thinks hard about why she's unhappy. I think she'll find she is feeling unhappy in general and not particularly just because of our M. What she told me a while back is that OM makes her feel happy, but I know that won't last forever. When we were falling in love I used to make her happy... I want her to realize that what she is doing isn't the answer, but for that to happen she needs to keep doing it until that realization hits.
I know from our recent conversations that she is more unhappy now than most other points in her life. If her goal is to find happiness then why is she so miserable? When will she see the light that what she's doing isn't making her happy? She's leaving a great guy (me), burning bridges with her family (who she cares for deeply), and causing herself terrible pain in the process. There has to be a point where she snaps back to reality and hopefully decides to work on things with me when that happens. From what I can tell she has been sad most of the time recently, but she would cheer up when she saw me. She also heads off to see OM almost every weekend to get an escape from reality. Doesn't she see that he is a major cause of her current unhappy situation?
Too many questions and not enough answers.
It's been 2 days since I've had any contact with W now. I'm tempted to break the silence, but I know I should wait much longer before making contact. I don't want to go completely dark, just see her less. She has mail at the house and I'm sure she'll be dropping in anytime to pick it up. Tuesdays (today) have been our usual "date nights" recently so tonight will be a little sad for me.
The silence was broken today... She e-mailed then called to let me know about her new little niece (6 days old) who had to go to back to the hospital for jaundice and possibly an underdeveloped liver. Scary! I hope she is okay.
I do find it ironic that her sister named her new D Parker. This is also the name of OM's son. If W's R with OM ever got serious enough I would see that as a minor problem. Two cousin Parkers one's a boy and one's a girl... not a huge deal I guess, but ironic. SIL (actually BIL) has mentioned my W not being welcome in the house if she keeps this up, so maybe they'd never even meet.
W wanted to let me know she was heading up to where SIL lives to help lend a hand.
It's not earth-shattering R news, but I'm glad W still feels like I have the right to know what's going on with her and her family.
Made it until Thursday before seeing W again. Four days apart with minimal contact. That was rough, but it really helped me feel like I could get along just fine without her.
She stopped by last night to get her mail and we ended up going out to dinner. It was a good time. We didn't have any R talks, we just enjoyed eachother's company. I liked spending time with her, but it made me miss her again. I think she feels the same way. She had been invited out to dinner by her GF but said she wasn't planning on going. When I mentioned I was heading out to get dinner she didn't hesitate to come along with me.
She's got to be confused about life. She likes spending time with me and OM. I can tell that by me becoming less available she misses me more. I also fear that this opens the door wide for her and OM to get more serious. I already told her where I stand on this issue though so I have to follow through. It's just hard
I'm not sure what to do. When I see her I miss her... when I don't see her I resent her. Neither of these are feelings I want to have.
Let me get this straight -- you are 28, making good money, good job, have a nice house, etc.
And the kicker of it all... you have NO kids, right?
So with all of that said, you are letting your wife, who I am sure you are deeply in love with, have a relationship with OM AND YOU? That is exactly what she is doing.
I am not saying b/c you have no kids and all the other stuff that you should get a divorce, but what I am saying is that as long as you 'share' her, you will never be happy. Marriages don't work with 3 people in them.
I think it is time to realize what it is that she is doing to you. She is giving you crumbs at this point, and that is what you are living on. IMHO, You are not going to end up a happy man settling for crumbs when you should have the entire meal.
The entire meal is what I want. Don't get me wrong. I've made it clear to her that I want to work on our M but refuse to do it while W sees OM. Her response is that she doesn't know what she wants, she's been unhappy, she can't figure out why, and right now she needs time on her own to sort it all out.
What has worried me is that she will run off with OM while she is under the delusion that he makes her happy. I'm afraid if she does this she'll end up devastated about it further down the road. I don't want to see her do this to herself, but I'm also getting tired of waiting for her.
You're right that we don't have much holding us together at the moment (kids, etc.) and I'm not concerned about being able to find someone else. I've got a lot going for me. However, I also love my W more than anything and don't want to see her make this huge mistake. I feel like I'm walking a fine line of setting down boundaries in our R and keeping her interested in the possibility of reconciling at the same time.
This week I've spoke to her twice. Granted one of those times we went out to dinner, but I guess I want her to see what she'll be missing if we D. I've already told her I can't be 'just friends' with her, so if D goes through then there won't be anymore contact. She got a taste of that this week.
I am conflicted about what approach I should be using here, so I guess at the moment it's a combo of being friendly when I see her but setting boundaries in our R that I won't tolerate. I have no idea if this will do anything constructive for us so advice on how to continue would be very appreciated.
She is giving you crumbs at this point, and that is what you are living on.
Couldn't agree more.
Originally Posted By: Dazed&Confused
This week I've spoke to her twice. Granted one of those times we went out to dinner, but I guess I want her to see what she'll be missing if we D.
If she can see it, she can't miss it.
Quote:
I've already told her I can't be 'just friends' with her, so if D goes through then there won't be anymore contact. She got a taste of that this week.
Hardly, my friend. You caved and went out to dinner with her. Again. She'll call, again, and you'll reply, again. She's getting what she wants from you, then gets to leave to be with OM. Why? Because you allow the cycle to continue.
As long as she has this, it will never end. Terribly sad but true.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
What has worried me is that she will run off with OM while she is under the delusion that he makes her happy. I'm afraid if she does this she'll end up devastated about it further down the road. I don't want to see her do this to herself,
IMO, your statement above shows me that you think you can change her, control her, or that you need to protect her from her obviously BAD choices. Tough lesson to learn here --- you can't protect her, you can't change her. Especially when she is in the FOG, and still getting some of her needs met by you. She is making choices and she will have to deal with them one day. If she runs off to be with OM, then she will probably hate herself one day. But you can't force her to change. That was a tough lesson for me to learn.
I think you need to get yourself right. YOU can't change her feelings. Only she can do that. You need to work on you. The DB, GAL, all of that good stuff. Be a better you, and do it for you, not her. DO NOT DEPEND ON HER FOR YOUR HAPPINESS!
IMHO, the more you chase, the more she will run away. Be a confident man. Be a strong man. I doubt there are many woman who WANT to be with a guy who is willing to share their love. So don't share her.
Be strong, D&C. This stuff is HARD, but you can do it.
We have all told you for quite awhile now what you need to do. Still, you don't do it, and you then ask "What should I do?"
You say you have set boundaries. Can you give us an example of what boundaries you have set? If you say "I told her I won't accept ________ ," but your actions don't enforce that, then that is not a boundary. WORDS are not boundaries; boundaries are specific things that you communicate that you will NOT tolerate, and that WILL have consequences if violated.
From where I'm sitting, the only "consequences" your wife has gotten so far for cheating on you, is that you take her out and are nice to her. That's a pretty nice arrangement; why would you be surprised that she's not giving it up?
