Affair is over and WW is responding

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Even though I'm not an engineer, that's the kind of mind I have. I always think things through to their logical conclusion before talking about or making decisions on anything. WW is more of an emotional thinking type person.

Which is why the hug is a good idea.

[Hope4us]

Good Point. Maybe I'll shock her with a hug on my way out the door to watch the NCAA's with DS19 this morning.

[Doing_My_Best]

How did the hug go over?

[Hope4us]

Didn't do the hug. WW is in one of those backwards steps. And it's really pissing me off. I know she's hurting and really in a messed up place, but after last night I'm beginning to wonder if it won't be me that ends it and not her.

DS15 went to a concert last night. It was just 3 local bands at a community center (one of the bands was 4 of his friends). Because of the floods here and the expressway interchange being closed, if you want to go south you have to go north on back roads about 10 miles and then go south. It makes a 30 minute trip more like almost an hour and a half.

WW took DS15 to the concert as DS19 and I were watching the NCAA's at a sports bar, so I offered to go pick DS15 up when the concert was over. About 10:30 I asked WW if DS15 had said what time the concert was going to be over. I wanted to leave a bit a head of time so he wasn't standing there waiting for 40 minutes after it was done. WW said she'd text him to see if it was getting close. About 5 minutes later DS19 walks into the room and asks WW if DS15 had said when the concert would be over (he was going to go with me to pick DS15 up). WW went off on him and me. Grabbed her phone to text DS15 again bit*hin the whole time about how she'll find out "right now" etc in her most sarcastic voice. DS19 told her to relax. She looked at him and me with the most evil look I've seen in a long time. And this was after her being pretty pissy the whole evening. I got up from the couch and went to the basement to just get away from her. About 15 minutes later she calls down and says "you can leave now if you want in a fairly nice voice.

After getting home I went straight to bed and layed there for quite a while wondering just why I want to make this work with her. She had an affair. The POS is a serial cheatin, alcoholic, abusive lier who dumped her as soon as his wife found out and since that time WW has treated me like sh!t. She has treated me with disrespect, contempt and out right anger and I'm the one doing all the work to guide her back when she should be groveling at my feet begging for forgiveness.

I want so bad to say to her when she gets up:

"If you're so miserable, get the F out. The POS dumped you as soon as his wife found out. He is a real piece of work. Cheats on his wife multiple times. Goes to the bars EVERY DAY. His kids hate him. He started taking herbal supplements he ordered off the internet in June to make certain body parts bigger (OMW told me that one!) and you think he is your 'soulmate'? If that is the kind of POS you are looking for in life, go find one. The kids and I don't deserve the way you're treating us and will be fine without you".

I'm not just blowing off steam here. I'm really considering telling her this. I think I read on another thread someone saying it's easier to detach when they think about everything their wayward spouse has done and said. And they're right. I'm really thinking to do the ultimate in detaching here. Why keep putting myself and my kids through this?

[Doing_My_Best]

I'm beginning to wonder if it won't be me that ends it and not her.

I wish I had some advice for you here. But I don't. Right now, I feel EXACTLY like you do.

Basically told my W yesterday that I am patient person, but I have limits. I am not going to wait around forever.

Hope, we are in VERY similar places. (Except for the fact that your W is having no contact. Mine is...UGH)

I'm really thinking to do the ultimate in detaching here. Why keep putting myself and my kids through this?

ME too............. but this stuff doesn't happen overnight. We have to be patient and work at it. Unfortunately, us BS have to do ALL the work if we want the M. Sad...

[Hope4us]

Ok DMB, I'll make a deal with ya. I won't blow my WW off yet if you won't.

This is just so hard. Last night I was in the basement (again) and DS15 came down and asked me if I was going to MIL's tomorrow (today)? I said to him that I didn't know, WW hasn't said a word to me about it (even though I knew they were going). I then asked if this was him asking if I was going or was it WW? DS15 says, I was just asking, I don't know about mom. So I told him that because his mom hadn't said anything to me about going that I told the Supervisor that works for me that I would be on call for him Sat night and Sun so he could go to dinner at his parents house about 1.5 hours away (in my office, either the Supv or myself has to be within half an hour of work at all time).

I began working with a pro-marriage counselor soon after D-day. He's called everything that WW will do and say EXACTLY since this started. And told he me back in Jan (when I was asking why we weren't making any progress when OM dumped her in early Dec)that we would never begin to make any progress unitl WW thinks the affair is over in HER mind. He then said it would be 3-4 weeks of severe withdrawal, (if she's like most people) but that severe WD could last as much as 2 months, and after that time I would begin to see progress. After that it would be another 3-5 months of her completing the de-fogging process.

So here I am, 7 weeks after the affair ended in her mind (I'm 99% sure due to the STD exposure to OM) and WW has been responding to me little by little. 3 days last week were like having my WIFE back, but then the backslide. My counselor told me these would happen and to just get through them. So WHY when she backslides (and there have been a number of them the last 7 weeks) do I get so discouraged when I KNOW this is a normal part of the process? I guess I'm not doing a very good job of detaching and having no expectations. I need to do better at both of those, but it is just so hard to keep taking the punches and getting up when in reality she should be the one busting her a** saving this marriage.

I talked to my friend Deb yesterday and she's convinced that I'm right about WW just having a really bad trigger from driving to get DS19 and I just need to stay out of the way while she deals with it. Deb said in her sitch when she'd have those triggers she was REALLY mad at OM and herself but her hubby and kids caught the brunt of it because they were there. She said WW will begin to come back around soon (and she may be right, WW did respond to me a little yesterday) and that as WW deals with this she will begin to come to the realization that I'm the one that stood by her while OM cut and ran, but it just doesn't happen overnight.

So I'm going to take her advise and that of my counselor and just give her the time and space she needs to work through this. Easier said than done .

[Doing_My_Best]

That is exactly what I am trying to do too -- give WW time and space. It sucks that BS have to do all the work while WW's just grieve and continue their selfish ways. It takes two to make a marriage! They aren't even trying!

Ok DMB, I'll make a deal with ya. I won't blow my WW off yet if you won't.

Ok, you have a deal. But you are in a better sitch than me, so I am going to need some odds My WW is STILL in contact with her OM, despite telling me "it is over." Her withdrawal clock hasn't even started!

[Hope4us]

Hang in there DMB. I'm not sure what advise I can give you. In my sitch, OM moved ~300 miles away and as funny as it sounds, I think that set us back some. By them NOT being together more often, it made it harder for them to get on each other's nerves. I saw evidence that if I could have just waited it out that they would have eventually imploded, but I just couldn't take the disrespect and abuse any longer and that's when I exposed. It ended the affair eventually but I think there are some lingering issues because WW didn't end it herself. I think we may get there in the end, but I don't know if the timing would be the same if they would have finally got on each other's nerves enough to end it or it ended the way it did.

WW got home last night from her mom's (DS15 stayed) and started talking to me again. She either got through her trigger or being alone for the drive home gave her time to think. I saw this morning that her new GF at work is having trouble with the new "love of her life". Seems the new love is "smothering" her. I've talked about this new friend before. She's young, married her husband 66 days after meeting him and one week after their first anniversary filed for divorce. She then met the new love of her life a month or so later (maybe before she filed, who knows) and now the new love is smothering her. And this is the friend that WW listens to. Not her life long friends that tell her she's f'd up. Anyway, WW was saying in her text's with this GF that she is enjoying it when I go out and leave her alone, but when I do that she seems to respond to me. Talk about screwed up. She enjoys being alone, but when I do leave her alone, she tries to re-engage with me.

So it's more time and space for her! I really think her responding to me early last week probably scared her and she pulled back some. I returned to the LRT and now she's responding some again.

Yesterday while I was home alone all day I found myself getting really angry with her for all she's done. It sure makes it easier to detach when I think of things that way. I've kept a text message the OM sent her last Oct (that I forwarded to my phone) as a reminder when I start to get down we're not making any faster progress. That TM lets me detach further. Bad part is that the more I detach, the less I feel myself wanting to make this marriage work. I posted just that on another thread. To get what you want you have to detach, but the more you detach the more chance you won't want to make it work when WW finally starts coming around. It's kind of a double edged sword.

[Doing_My_Best]

Keep posting! You are speaking my language!

Bad part is that the more I detach, the less I feel myself wanting to make this marriage work. I posted just that on another thread. To get what you want you have to detach, but the more you detach the more chance you won't want to make it work when WW finally starts coming around. It's kind of a double edged sword.

[Hope4us]

Thanks DMB. It really helps to post here where others know EXACTLY what I'm going through.

GAL update. If WW is responding more to me not being so available to her, I should get more responses from her. Going out with some friends tonight to watch some NIT basketball. Don't know what I'm going to do when the tournaments are over!