I don't know nuttin' 'bout posting threads. Figured folks knew me by the original topic line so went back to that!
Easter initially was pretty neat. We had an egg hunt where the boys hid each other's eggs, one egg per room, four rooms in total, and then the two of them hid D13's. They were evil and dastardly in their egg placements, but it was a fun time. We went off to brunch at the club which was a bit subdued.
After a quiet afternoon, S17 told me he didn't want to go to our friend's house. My goal was that we'd have time with the 3 of us (oldest had gone back to college) in a home of good friends. Years ago the kids had played/hung out together, but had drifted apart.
Let's just say, S17 and I had a mutual meltdown that in the end was caused by the strain and pain of the separation and upcoming divorce. Luckily my brother was over who helped my son and me. Just by listening to me, I realized I was reacting not to S17's words, but to a sense of rejection from him which heightened the rejection I feel in H's actions.
A very good conversation came out of it all. It's amazing how you can apply DR techniques to any and all relationships... validate, listen, and realize when something isn't working try another approach.
S17 kept saying that it all seemed so forced, that their time with their father helped them stay connected to what he was doing. His perceptions were mature, he's struggling.
As my brother said, there's a lot of pain in our house now. I'm just trying to create a more open environment, acknowledging the elephant in the living room by saying the D word, talking about adjustments. I try to keep the focus on the family, on them.. and keep then separate from the machinations of D, which is H's and my business.
My brother told S17 that I'd lost the most important person in my life and that I was trying to keep the family (me and the kids)together. I didn't realize how much I was working on that.. With kids that are older, it's so easy for the oldest just to drift away, S17 is going away next fall. I hope that college won't be a total escape from the emotional chaos for the boys. It's a balance between giving them space, providing support, and creating/embracing our new family dynamic.. so we have togetherness.
Mid March to mid April have been/will be difficult with H's and my two birthday's 2 days apart, the day we met happening the day after H'd b'day, and our anniversary (April 10th which would have been our 25th.) Toss in Easter, D13's Confirmation and me not going to FL for our traditional April vacation and ya get lots of emotional turbulence. I discovered with the birthdays and the day we met that the emotional core reacted to the loss of the day, even though I seemed to have amnesia for those dates. Hopefully being aware of the pitfalls well help in walking this path.
