My BIL, SIL, niece.....and FIL (didn't know he was coming) arrived on Sat. evening. SIL & I sat in my bedroom watchng tv and chatting for a long time. H kept lurking....coming in about 7-8 times for very silly reasons. Obviously to see what the conversation was. SIL is having a tough time too, so it was nice to have her to talk to.
Sat. night, BIL & H went out and got way beyond drunk. It really scares me that either one of them drove home. I've seen H come home drunk a lot, but it's been a long time since I've seen him this bad. He'd fallen somewhere and cut his nose, scraped his face. He had blood all over his shirt & pants. They both had problems finding the "facilities" when they got home & had to be turned in the right direction. The worst part was H came into our bedroom & D3 and I were laying there. I couldn't scoop D3 out of the way fast enough & he laid on her. She started crying. I slapped him, but he didn't realize what was going on. I took D3 and we slept in her room. I was not surprised that this happened, but extremely upset. And yes, I did let H know what happened the next day.....he didn't say anything.
On Sunday my SIL, niece, D3 and I got ready & went to the Mall of America. (If anyone wants to visit me, I'm only about 5 minutes away!!) Most of the stores were closed but the amusement park area was open so the girls got to go on some rides. I went on the swings with D3. She was laughing & smiling. Mommy was petrified. I'm not one for rides and so when we started going higher & faster my knuckles were white!! When we got home, H had dinner ready for all of us. It was a very, very quiet dinner. BIL & SIL aren't talking at all. I tried to make conversation, but not a lot was said. Although H has accused me of not wanting to admit that our marriage is over, he refuses to tell his father. So, H (although assisted by alcohol), played nice the past few days, even calling me honey & showing affection. No need to get excited about that though, as H & I had a R talk on Sunday morning & at this point have decided that we are done.
Through a still somewhat alcohol induced mood on Sunday morning, H tried to get "frisky" with me. I declined and H got into one of his....."Okay fine, I won't touch you then", kind of moods. My response was.....H, when have you even wanted to touch me lately or wanted me to touch you? He start in on me a bit about things. I asked him when he was going to tell me what his plans were. He told me that I should know, as he'd asked me last week if I'd found a place. Anyway, after going back & forth, he told me that he'd be moving in with a friend and then likely he and OW would find a place and move in together. He was a bigger a$$ to me than normal when the subject came up of how much I could afford for a rental. He said he could hook me up with a roommate. I didn't know what he was talking about at first and then realized he meant OW's H. I got angry and told him how incredibly sh*tty that was to say. He said, you are right. I never should have said that and I knew it when it came out of my mouth. He also told me that he'd apologize for everything but didn't think I would accept it. I told him that it would be nice to know that he acknowledges that he hurt me. He said he does know that. He still insists that OW has nothing to do with our problems. I told him that although we had issues before, again, her in our lives & him dedicating himself to her threw any changes of reconciliation for us out the window. He doesn't see her involvement as an issue. I know, I'm not surprised by this. I asked him when he thought he'd be moving. He said....our lease is up end of July, unless something can be done earlier. I told him that after D3's birthday (this Sat.) he and I will sit down and go over what he wants & what I want. He told me that I could keep everything.
During this whole deal, H kept telling me that I can't admit that I don't love him anymore. I told him that even though we may not have been meant to spend the rest of our lives together doesn't mean that I'm not entitled to my feelings and entitled to feel pain. I told him that it still hurts a lot to have 17 years together end.
H & I also got into things about D3. We started talking about her and he tried to push my buttons by asking why I thought he shouldn't try to get custody of her. He told me that he's taken care of her just as much as I have. I snickered & he didn't like that. At that point we got into it about his possibly moving to CA. He told me that, yes, he was thinking about moving, but not right away. He told me that he loves his job and that they have an office in the area he wants to live in. He said that he's told me before that he wants to move back out there and that he will be doing it, with or without someone. He also hinted (pushing buttons again) that maybe he'd have D3 with him. I told him that he could not move with her without my permission. Then he asked if I'd ever want to move back out there. WTF??? He asked,.....why wouldn't you want to?....then we'd all be in the same area and both have her.
We talked about a few more things and then he walked over and hugged me. This man hasn't hugged me in months. I couldn't help it....I broke down crying.
Oh yeah, and the rest of the day, any chance H had, when I was in our bedroom, he shut the door and cornered me to try for sex. Yeah, after all that and after again professing his love for OW, he tried.....several times to have sex with me.
So.......I know my M is slowly ending. There's no question about it. My heart is STILL having a hard time with it, but my mind is telling me that it is the right thing. Especially after seeing H in the condition he was in the other night. There are so many things that I will no longer have to worry about. His not calling....coming home at 2:00 am.....drunken nights.....his temper.....his selfishness (well, I'll still have to see some of it)......him emailing OW constantly on the weekend, the bottle of "performance" enhancers......on and on and on....
This is not the best day for me. I'm tired and my M is all but dead. However, I did see two beautiful sights this morning. D3 sleeping so peacfully....and a rainbow.
Well, time to get busy. I have work to do!
Have a great day....or evening....wherever you are!
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
