I found this site after my husband of 25 years blurted (at the end of January) out how miserable he was in our marriage and how he wanted to live his own life. We have three children S22, S17, D13. One is in college, the second will be in college next year and the third will be entering high school in the fall.
When our first was a year and a half old, we agreed that I would stay home for a few months so to give our son time to recover from health issues. He blossomed with me home. Because of that and some additional health issues with my H, we decided I would leave my career, focus on our son (and subsequent children) while H supported the family.
Fast forward 20 years. H is a highly successful business executive whose career is his mistress. I'm a great mom who's been very involved with our kids and their activities. Because of the unwitting split in our lives we drifted apart. H withdraws emotionally, I get depressed. With the bomb I discover his withdrawal was intentional, where he created a 'buddy' marriage, a co-existence for the children. I grew increasingly depressed over the years. I always maintained my focus on the kids, but everything else slid.
I think I unintentionally used passive aggressive behavior to provoke a response from H. Bad attention was better than no attention. I felt like I never measured up to his standards, was always lacking and felt completely overwhelmed by what was expected of me. Although I felt like H and I were a team, I felt very alone in our marriage. I broke his heart at one point many years ago but he never wanted to talk about it.
H worked long hours, at times traveled extensively and golfed whenever he could. I now believe it was his way of coping with is his dissatifaction with our R.
Though I would ask about how we were doing, and occasionally bring up the idea of marriage counseling, H would say it was okay to the first, or have a caveat, and flatly refuse on the second. He has no use for traditional counseling or the thought of counseling. I would see a counselor for myself and occasionally H would come in. Each time he'd talk about deep hurts he was carrying, often telling the same episodes each time.
I was also extremely defensive to his suggestions. In the end though we cared for each other, we couldn't get past our own inner selves. I also realize we both are 50% responsible for where we are today. The fact that he gave me no say in the decisions he was making, or the ultimate choice to leave the marriage, the home, the children is devastating.
Using the DR techniques has been very helpful and positive. Since his moving out one month ago and his minimal involvement with the children (1 hour for dinner once a week) is creating a house full of pain while I struggle to hold what is left of our family together.
