Well, you had quite a night. I'm so sorry to hear that it was so hard, but what a rollercoaster you are on! I can only second Ali's thoughts here. She has given you a lot of wise advice and insight. Her comments could almost fit my W perfectly as well, as far as I can tell from a distance.
I really do think what happens next is up to you. If you have had enough, pull the plug. But if you still think you want to give this a shot, you must wait. Time is your ally, provided you want to see if there is a shot here. As you wait, you will endure a lot of pain from not being with her in the way you would like, and pain from hearing her say awful things, and pain from watching her do mean things to you. If you can endure that, you might get to a point where the two of you can really work. She doesn't sound ready to walk away completely. She is confused. Try to empathize--what was in her life, perhaps going all the way back to childhood, that might make her respond this way now? Empathy is not a blank check to walk over you at all costs. You have the power to decide when you've had enough, but empathy also helps you grow and creates potential for greater closeness.
As for believing is seeing, I read that somewhere last summer, but I can't remember where and so I can't point you toward a book, study, etc. However, I take it to mean that we all have conscious beliefs, as well as unconscious thoughts, about ourselves, others, and life in general. We are more likely to be trusting, optimistic, or the opposite, depending upon our life patterns (and no doubt biological makeup too; so much of emotion seems tied to chemicals). We don't change those beliefs easily, even when we are aware of them. When we are unaware, I'd say it's almost impossible to change those beliefs. Thus, when we are presented with information, we tend to make that information conform to our "default" way of seeing the world. Even if the information doesn't look like it will fit, we will search for a way to do so. We will deny things, come up with alternative explanations that fit, etc. In sum, I think it means that people want to stay in their "comfort" zones, and thus rush to interpret events so that they fit into that zone. We do this even when dealing with hard issues. So, if I am someone who has abandonment fears, I will interpret events to confirm that I will be abandoned when in fact the person who is "triggering" those fears may have had other intentions. However, if the person doesn't tell me what is going on with him/her, or if I don't stop to ask myself "Am I being abandoned, or is there another possible explanation here that I am not aware of yet?" I will assume abandonment. I think the key thing is self-awareness. We need to try to dig into ourselves to see why we view something the way we do (why did that make me happy? sad? fearful?), and then not rush to judgment. There are many possible explanations for things. Our initial beliefs may prove correct. Maybe your marriage is over. But initial fears may also prove wrong. Maybe your marriage will be saved.
The more I think about things, the more I'm drawn toward seeing life as hard, if not impossible, to predict. We try to predict because we want control (even if the prediction is a negative one, convincing ourselves that something bad is going to happen can be a coping mechanism by giving us a sense of "control"). Growth comes when we give up control. The currents of life will take us places where we never thought we'd go; some of those destinations will be unpleasant, but others will be unexpected delights. Pain comes from frantically resisting the flow, from trying to fight against the current. We can't control our spouses, and so we must give up trying to do so.
