Being OW

[Hope4us]

Just found this thread and it seemed like a good place to put into thought a number of things I've been feeling in my whole mess. A lot of what has been said here makes total sense to me and validates a lot of what I've been feeling.

In my sitch, angry with OM? Absolutely. I would love to give him the a** kicking he deserves. He's a married, serial cheatin, alcoholic, abusive POS and nothing would make me happier than to break by knuckles on his jaw. But....

I'm so terribly disappointed in WW. One of the first days she met OM another guy she works with told her to watch out for OM as he was always fishin. And I warned her many times before the affair started that a guy that lives 1000 miles from home year after year and only goes home everyother month if he's lucky is NOT someone you want to be "friends" with as I guaranteed her that he has women on the side. I guaranteed her that he would try something with her and she said "I'm a big girl and would end our friendship if he tried". Couple months later she's in bed with him. How does a wayward allow themselves to fall for that when all the warning signs are there that the OP is a player?

After I found out about the affair I asked her if she really thought he hasn't done this before and would do it again once he got tired of her and she replied "I don't know, we don't talk about that stuff". Of course you don't. And then after I exposed to OMW she sent an email to WW telling her all about OM's previous affairs etc and that still didn't wake her up. Cause she "loves him". Give me a frickin break. You really think you're in love with someone who has no problem cheatin on his wife at least 5 times that she knows of? What do you have to say to your self to convince yourself that that is "love"?

And as soon as OMW finds out, he goes running back to her and WW can't figure out he was just using her? After all the warnings, etc she can't figure that out? I really don't want to insult my WW, but can you be that STUPID? Of course, maybe WW is smart afterall. I asked her many times to introduce me to her new "friend". If she liked him, I'm sure I'd like him also. She always made up an excuse why we couldn't meet. After I discovered the affair I said to her I understood now why she didn't want us to meet and she said the real reason was she was afraid I would kick his a** (and that I'm pretty sure I could do, I have an NFL linebacker build). Man I've had some wonderful daydreams about doing just that.

Ok, vent is over.

[MichelleLT]

It's funny how a new romance can blind someone to the COMPLETELY OBVIOUS!!!

My H is finally realizing things about OW - like she can't hold down a job; like she is obsessive and needy; like she has ISSUES! It took nearly 9 months though!

[Hope4us]

I agree Michelle. And it goes both ways. WW never told OM about her STD. She created such a terrible image of me that OM and a young friend of WW both call me "animal" (you know the new friend that validates waywards while she distances herself from all her real friends). I used to see text msgs all the time where he would be really nasty to her, mostly because she was doing stuff with me, imagine that, her lover was mad that she was doing things with her husband and he would then be all sorry and crap!

I saw TM's where he was telling her he could make her happy forever, blah, blah, blah but he just couldn't divorce his wife until his son was out of H.S. So once I told his wife what was going on and he went running back to her, why didn't WW wake up? When she said she was going to divorce him, why didn't he jump at that so he could be with WW? Because he was using her and she f'in fell for it.

There was another time when I saw some TM's that he had told WW he was going to talk to his W about divorce, but he needed to do it in person. He told WW he was going home the next weekend to talk to her. That Sat WW sent him a text asking if he had talked to her yet because she wanted to know if she should file for divorce so they could be together. OM told WW that his wife and kids had gone out to dinner but he would talk to her the next day and let WW know how to proceed. Next day, he still didn't talk to her. I don't know how the rest of that conversation went because my exposure letter showed up a few days later, but after talking to OMW she told me he wasn't even home that weekend!

Another time I told WW that OM was trying to get back together with his wife and claimed that he and WW were no longer communicating. The exact quote was "We're not talking, I don't care what that bit*h says". And she still tried to get together with him one more time.

It's just stunning. Simply stunning. They lie to their spouses, lie to each other, lie to their kids and they're "soulmates". Give me a frickin break. Most of the time I'm not too mad at OM because, afterall, he's a man and a lot of men are pigs, but furious at WW because she fell for it. Maybe she's starting to figure it out and that's why she seems to be slowly responding to me (even though the last couple days have stunk).

Ok, Now I'm really done venting.

[MichelleLT]

The things they say and do are amazing. I think H told OW I had had an affair while he was deployed overseas (not true). It's amazing the things they come up with to justify their unhappiness.

The important thing is to not take it personally and remember that they are acting out of their own misery and unhappiness and that in reality, it often has little to do with you. You can't fix it for them, or make them see how horrible the OP is, all you can is let them realize things for themselves - starting with YOU were NOT the CAUSE of their unhappiness! As LBS, I think our job is to keep the door open for R if/when they come to their senses.

[Hope4us]

Words to live by in this f'd up mess Michelle.

I know my WW has said to me a couple of times "it's not all about you". Boy, if there were ever more true words said, I don't know what they are. I responded one of those times "I know it's not about me. I'm the only one thinking of anyone BUT myself. If this was all about me, I would have been gone a long time ago". I just got a blank stare at that one.

I read your latest threads and just wanted to say Keep your chin up. And I agree with the others on your thread that say you're a hottie. I would kill to see my WW in that corset you bought!

[MichelleLT]

Lol. Thanks!

[runningoutoftime]

Hope4Us,
In spite of all the extremely obvious reasons for your W to have avoided getting involved with OM, (1) he was convenient, and (2) there is something your wife was "seeking" that OM "fed." My guess here, and I could be wrong, she wanted to "save" him. Just a thought....

[Hope4us]

You could be right ROOT. I'm sure she got the sob story how terrible his wife is. WW told me a LOT of things about her prior to my finding out about their affair that after I talked to OMW I found out just weren't true. So maybe she was trying to "save" him from his awful wife/life. And then she made up stuff about me and he "saved" her. But now he's back with his wife and I'm left picking up the pieces.

That's what makes me so angry at WW. OM being the player he is I'm sure he knows just what to say to women to get their sympathy and then when they start to open up to him he's got them right where they want him. And she fell for it.

[runningoutoftime]

Yes, their stupidity about this (even when they are brilliant in other ways) is certainly mind boggling.

Kind of reminds me of a good friend I had in High School. She had a math scholarship to Berkley and I remember one night we went out and some guys were getting into a brawl. She thought we should intervene (like that would be a smart idea for two tiny weakling women!) while I grabbed her arm and said, "Hey, we're outta here!!!"

Some people lack sense. One fear I had about my husband divorcing me was that some witch would get a hold of him and make my children's lives miserable. I didn't trust him to have the sense to figure out a good and mentally stable female from a manipulative user. He's just not that savvy. If he did find someone "good" it would have been pure luck.

Anyhow, on a positive note, sometimes they do learn from this, and looking back they can't believe how foolish they were. I wouldn't be at all surprised if this is what happens with your wife. Hang in there.

[Hope4us]

I'm with ya ROOT. My WW is very smart. In fact, she's smarter than she thinks, but early on in her "friendship" with OM I warned her constantly that a guy that lives 1000 miles from his wife year after year and only goes home every couple months if he's lucky has women on the side. I guaranteed her he did. And one of the guys WW works with warned her shortly after she started working there that OM was always fishin so watch out for him.

WW always used to say "I'm a big girl. I would end our friendship immediately if he tried anything". I guess I never imagined she'd be the one to try something.

Her learning from this is where my struggle is. I'm willing to give her all the time she needs to work her way through this, but I'm afraid that WW is such a bullhead that even if she figures it out she won't be able to admit it to me because she would then have to admit that everything she did and said to me was a LIE and a WASTE. It would take her admitting that I was right about him and their relationship all along, and she HATES it when I'm right. Might be the biggest stumbling block to saving our marriage.