W came over for Easter brunch today. She started talking about the show she went to with OM last night. I told her I didn't care to hear about that part of her life. That soured her mood a little bit for the rest of the time spent together but it's inappropriate for her to tell me these things.
After we ate I told her we needed to talk. We went outside and I did something I'm not sure was a good idea but I've been feeling needs to be done. I told her that all the time we've been spending together recently has made my feelings for her come back in a big way. I said that seeing her and knowing that she has OM in her life is causing too much hurt for me and isn't healthy for our R. I suggested I couldn't continue to date her and regain my feelings the way I have been until she's figured things out with OM. I said if and when he's completely out of her life then we can carry on the way we have been recently. Otherwise we shouldn't see each other so much. I made sure to get the point across that I still want to work things out and if she gets to that point I'll be happy to do whatever it takes to rebuild our M. I told her I love her and that it would be hard for me to be 'just friends' with her. I hope this was the right move.
It made her cry but she didn't give me any indication of what she wants. She said she still needs to be on her own to figure things out. She's still feeling horrible about herself. She hates how she's become selfish and is hurting people. She says it's really getting to her lately. I told her that I hope whatever she does is what truly makes her happy. She says she never wants to go through anything like this again.
She left after our conversation. I probably ruined her day.
Lately I've been feeling like I've been reaching the end of my rope with the OM situation. Since W and I had been doing so well recently but she's still seeing OM I felt it was a good time to tell her how I feel. This way I can become less available to her and hopefully she will miss me as a result. I had to leave her like this on a positive note so that she remembers me in a good way. If I'd had this conversation before D'ing she wouldn't have looked back. I really do hope this is what she needs to see what she'll be missing in me and have a change of heart. I really really hope it wasn't the wrong thing to do. I have mixed feelings.
I ended up seeing her later in the day to take her some money I owed her. We sat and talked for a minute and when I left we gave each other a hug. When I pulled away I looked in her eyes. I don't know how to say this without sounding cheesy but for a moment I saw love in her eyes. She hasn't looked at me that way in quite a while. Maybe I was fooling myself... and it was only an expression, but I felt really good after seeing that.
Anyway, haven't talked to her since and probably won't for some time. This is going to be hard but I think it's what needs to happen...
