W came over for Easter brunch today. She started talking about the show she went to with OM last night. I told her I didn't care to hear about that part of her life. That soured her mood a little bit for the rest of the time spent together but it's inappropriate for her to tell me these things.
After we ate I told her we needed to talk. We went outside and I did something I'm not sure was a good idea but I've been feeling needs to be done. I told her that all the time we've been spending together recently has made my feelings for her come back in a big way. I said that seeing her and knowing that she has OM in her life is causing too much hurt for me and isn't healthy for our R. I suggested I couldn't continue to date her and regain my feelings the way I have been until she's figured things out with OM. I said if and when he's completely out of her life then we can carry on the way we have been recently. Otherwise we shouldn't see each other so much. I made sure to get the point across that I still want to work things out and if she gets to that point I'll be happy to do whatever it takes to rebuild our M. I told her I love her and that it would be hard for me to be 'just friends' with her. I hope this was the right move.
It made her cry but she didn't give me any indication of what she wants. She said she still needs to be on her own to figure things out. She's still feeling horrible about herself. She hates how she's become selfish and is hurting people. She says it's really getting to her lately. I told her that I hope whatever she does is what truly makes her happy. She says she never wants to go through anything like this again.
She left after our conversation. I probably ruined her day.
Lately I've been feeling like I've been reaching the end of my rope with the OM situation. Since W and I had been doing so well recently but she's still seeing OM I felt it was a good time to tell her how I feel. This way I can become less available to her and hopefully she will miss me as a result. I had to leave her like this on a positive note so that she remembers me in a good way. If I'd had this conversation before D'ing she wouldn't have looked back. I really do hope this is what she needs to see what she'll be missing in me and have a change of heart. I really really hope it wasn't the wrong thing to do. I have mixed feelings.
I ended up seeing her later in the day to take her some money I owed her. We sat and talked for a minute and when I left we gave each other a hug. When I pulled away I looked in her eyes. I don't know how to say this without sounding cheesy but for a moment I saw love in her eyes. She hasn't looked at me that way in quite a while. Maybe I was fooling myself... and it was only an expression, but I felt really good after seeing that.
Anyway, haven't talked to her since and probably won't for some time. This is going to be hard but I think it's what needs to happen...
I've been reading your thread and have seen many parallels to mine (except for our D). I wish you luck and I wish I were as strong as you are. I have lots more to say, but my H is here tucking in D, so I'll be back. I think you are doing the right thing, IMHO, but that's just me. I hope it works for you.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
It needed to be done. I know it hurts like hell, but it absolutely needed to be done. So long as she was getting some of her needs met by OM, and then most of the rest of them by you, she was never going to choose, and besides, it's just not right.
It's also doing nothing for your self-respect and self-esteem.
Now, she STILL may not make the choice you want her to make, but unfortunately you don't get to control that. All you can do is lay out your personal boundaries, and enforce them, and it sounds like you just took a huge first step in that.
I'm not even 24 hours into this 'break-up' and it already sucks. I keep telling myself to be strong and put her out of my mind. It's not so easy to do, but it will get easier as time goes by. Wish I could just fast forward to the point where this doesn't bother me anymore.
You're going to have to get your wits about you, but it's a long, bumpy ride. And at least in the short term, it's bumpier when you stick up for your boundaries, which you haven't had a big track record of doing.
I know for me, anti-depressants really helped "even me out."
To tell you the truth, even though drawing the line with my W has made me feel bad about not being able to see her as much I feel relieved that she knows how I feel.
I don't exactly feel like I haven't stuck up for my boundaries. Whenever I find something out about OM that W is aware of I've let her know it disappoints me. We've had a sort of 'don't ask, don't tell' policy in place when it comes to OM, so as far as she knows I didn't nearly know the extent of their R. That's why I didn't have to worry so much about boundaries, she didn't know I knew as much as I did. I was letting my personal boundaries get walked all over, but that's something only I was privvy to. Now W knows that by continuing with OM she is crossing a line in our R.
When she finally told me me something about it on Saturday I got my chance to let her know how it made me feel. Before then I would have had to say something like "listen, I know you're still seeing OM and haven't been telling me about it..." I would have had to admit to snooping around by looking at the phone bill and seeing they still talked all the time. Had I initiated this next phase of our R by saying something like that I think the chances for success would have been diminished. I think the circumstances I had after she admitted to seeing OM were much more ideal to have that conversation.
Unfortunately, I still feel crappy about it. To each their own on the anti-depressants. I think they can do great things to help, but I have my reservations about taking them myself. I'd like to let my feelings run their course naturally. It prolongs some of the hurt and sadness I feel but I need it to make me stronger.
I appreciate your support through this, it's defnitely a bumpy ride.
I wasn't an AD proponent at first, but let me tell you, it REALLY helps. Doesn't numb you at all. It just makes the roller coaster not so extreme. SOOOO glad I got on them.
I don't exactly feel like I haven't stuck up for my boundaries. Whenever I find something out about OM that W is aware of I've let her know it disappoints me.
I'm curious: "let her know" with WORDS, or let her know with ACTIONS?
Boundaries = Good. I think when i finally set some boundaries it began our possible progress forward.
One night a couple months ago I told WW I would not live in a loveless marriage and would not put up with her continuing to have contact with OM. I told her to make her choice. She asked if she could have a couple days to think about it. Then a few days later she said she wanted a divorce (which told me she wouldn't quit talking to OM). Of course she was mad about me exposing her STD to OM also, but I think she was trying to scare me into backing down. So I said to her, "I can't stop you if that's what you want to do, but I won't help and I will not agree to a 'friendly divorce'. I will get my own lawyer and counter sue on the grounds of adultery. I will fight for custody of our son and I will tell the kids that I'm not ok with the divorce and the reason WHY we're headed that way".
And I think, even though she won't admit it, that conversation gave her some respect for me. And my contuining to GAL that I had been doing for a week or so before that gave her more respect and now she's starting to respond. 7 weeks later she's going to hang around for "at least" two more years. That's a big change from "I want a divorce, it's what I want".
Like Puppy said, setting up those boundaries may end your marriage, but do you want your marriage at all costs or do you want some respect in life, with our without your wife?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I think it was the right time to take a more firm stance on what I wanted out of the R. She has seen the positive differences in me that she would have if she came back. I think that is powerful and will make her decision to D harder. That's all I could do. Like Hope4us I also made sure to mention that she needs to make the choice that she believes will make her happy. I don't want her to come back if the M will be loveless and it's pretty warped for me to try to rekindle her love when she has OM.
I'm glad to hear about the progress you've made in your M. It's nice to have 2 more years to convince her to stay. I've had just over a month and felt like great progress was made between the two of us in that short period of time. Hopefully that was enough to get her to seriously reconsider her decision. I know she'll take it seriously. However, I'm worried that OM has her ear at the moment and will influence her in a detrimental way. One of the one-liners I tossed her way during our talk yesterday was this: "Since I am interested in working things out in our M OM has to be completely out of your life because he doesn't have the best interest of our marriage at heart." I used that line to add more justification to why he needs to be gone if we're going to think about working on things. I think it was a good one.
Thanks again for helping me through this guys it means a lot to me.
