unevitably aboard the D train...

[cat03]

Little d5 asked me today, in her baby talk, why daddy stayed only for a little while and didnt' live here anymore, did he not like mommy anymore? WOW, I was not ready for that, I really didn't believe she could put together what was going on.
I tried to explained her that dad liked to be alone now, that he loved her and brother, but that now dad and mom were just friends and that dad wanted to live appart. And my sweetheart asked "what about you?" oh, my sweet baby, how did she know my heart broke at the news her dad didnt' want me anymore? I told her I was happy with her and brother and Jesus, she smiled.

She said she didn't know how to feel about her dad not being here, that she wans't sure she was really ok with that. I told her how much her dad loved her and that we would all be ok, that we loved her and that she made me very happy.

H came late to take them to his sister's. I can't blame them by not inviting me to the usual Easter lunch, I just wish they would've said something ANYthing "we'll miss you, sorry it has to be this way", or perhaps Im expecting too much? since it is H's fault and him being the jerk here. Bleah. Poor little s9, I thought he understood I wasnt' going, I repeated like crazy how I was going to pick them up at 5pm to go to my family's, he didnt' get it. He asked why I wasn't coming, his dad was in a hurry so I told him to ask dad. The big chicken, H, told him to ask me, GRRRR!!!, well, right back at him, when I picked him up H was outside and i told him to explain s9, of course he says "why me?", I just looked at him and H explained him fast that we were separated and from now on they'll do stuff with his family and I"ll do stuff with my family, s9 seemed to be ok with it.

For some reason I can' shake a statement H told me last friday among a flurry of txts, he said "you are too rough, which may be fine for others but not me" "I never could be an individual in our M and never will be", some other time he said I had "beated him down" in the M.
ARGGHHHH!!!! I know he disregards all my effords of the past 2yrs and that I should'nt expect him to validate me, but damn, it makes me doubt myself, blame myself that perhaps it was mostly my fault things went downhill before he left in 05. We've been M 10yrs, it's hard to go back and pin point things now.
I asked for forgiveness, so many times, in tears, during C, he told me he loved me earlier last year.

OK, vent over... I did all I could, I really did.