Wow, I am drained. We went for a walk and spent about 2 1/2 hours talking. It was tough. I did really well with listening to things that I didn't want to hear and keeping my ears engaged more than my mouth...well at least at first. There was lots of stuff about how she "wasn't ready to work on things...yet". and "I'm not ready to work on any of this...right now". I thought this was somewhat promising because it implied that maybe a change could be forthcoming, but no. When trying to explore this, it didn't really go anywhere. I asked what she would find helpful and she said she felt the MC and I were "ganging up" on her sometimes to work on the relationship (this is really quite distorted, I have to say. She acknoweldged this too, later). Then it went to stuff that she just is clear that she doesn't want to work on any of it, and why can't that just be accepted by the MC and by me.
Then it led to maybe wanting "a break" from our relationship. I said, "okay, what would that look like to you?". She kept saying she didn't know just so she could live her life and me live mine for awhile. I asked if that would involve seeing other people and she said maybe yes, because she does think about dating others. In putting it together I said, "okay, so you don't want to work on the relationship with me now, you want to see other people, including possibly being sexually with others. That sounds like you are wanting to end the relationship". She said no, maybe we wouldn't have to end the relationship. I'm like WTF--how would that work...you and I would be seeing other people, sexually involved with them, but still sort of in a relationship with each other (and no doubt, a non-sexual one). She said that sometimes people take a break and then get back together after being with others.
I was putting it out there saying "if you are really saying that you don't want to be with me and you want to end the relationship, then maybe that's what should happen. I don't understand how we can be together but not together and with other people." I reiterated that staying with me because she doesn't want to hurt me really doesn't make much sense if that's all that is holding things together.
I was so confused by what she was saying. She said she felt confused and stuck between a rock and a hard place.
We walked further and I was more withdrawn. I said that I just felt sad that this is the way it is unfolding, and that the last 4 months has been very hard to hold my heart open. I said that I need a partner, someone who wants to work on things, who wants to be with me because they want to, for the relationship to work. I told her that for 4 months I had only heard from her how she needs time, space, doesn't want to work on anything, etc, again and again, and that this was very hard to hear and confusing. I mentioned that I hadn't even heard her miss me...she was shocked and said she had of course missed me and told me so (untrue entirely). I had some tears at this point but was trying to hold it back. She then held on to my arm and pulled herself close to me as we walked (which she has never done in 4 months).
Then she said she wondered if we could try dating for 3 months or something (but it sounded totally non-committal and like just another one of these off the wall ideas). She cried and I hugged her. We held each other for nearly 10 minutes. I apologized later for saying anything to "persuade" her and that she should do what she needs to do for her, not to be with me "because she feels bad".
Then she seemed quite upbeat all of a sudden and later we walked back to the car with her again holding my arm. We agreed that it still was very unclear what was next, but she said "let's think about it". She acknolwedged that that's what she's been doing but she said that there was some new stuff discussed today to consider. I wished her well on her trip tomorrow and she asked me to email the next MC appointment so she didn't lose it.
I came home and had a good talk with a friend. I was so confused because of the range and contradictions all over the place in what was discussed. I did not feel that the idea of "trying" for 3 months was at all serious, and felt like it was in reaction to me being upset. I realize that upon her return from her trip in a couple of weeks, if there remains this sense of no interest, I may need to bring it to a close myself. This is very difficult, but I really feel like she doesn't want to lose me, but definitely doesn't want to work on things. I think I won't be willing to sustain that.
For now, I have had (another) huge cry. Nothing further will likely happen on this until she's back, so there's a couple of weeks of breathing room for us both. I can't believe that I may have to be the one to pull the plug on this. It's the last thing I want to do, but how much more can I hear this "I don't want to work on it, nothing will change, I love you but, I want to be with others, I'm confused, etc"
