ANM, It seemed like for some reason, it was very important to your H for S18 to see him. Perhaps, he saw it as not getting respect and love from S18? But I am not justifying your H's actions at all. Just trying to understand why he was upset. I hope tonight's inetractions makes him think more and more about what he might be struggling with, and that he would go seek counselling as well. (((ANM)))
I know that he doesn't feel like S18 wants to see him and he sees it as my fault. However, he brought this on himself. I have encouraged S18 to maintain a relationship with H. However, H doesn't respect S18's feelings and S18 keeps getting hurt by him. It seems as if he does a lot of things for S21 but not for S18. He stayed until S21 graduated but has done little to help S18 since he left. S18 still does not have a drivers license. The only thing H was supposed to take care of. Hasn't ask anything about S18's graduation, senior pictures, or open house. Although I understand why he is upset, I have a little trouble feeling too much empathy for him. He has repeatedly chosen OW over his sons. As a mother is it hard not to get upset by this.
I am praying for guidance in this situation. I have to just leave it to God.
Last edited by ANewMe; 03/24/0803:59 AM.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
It is hard to have much empathy for these fathers that choose the ow over their kids time and time again. As a mother I just don't understand how a parent could ever do that.
I am sorry your S18 keeps getting let down and hurt by your H. I wish this never had to happen to anyone, especially the kids.
Keeping praying for the situatin and God will do His work and all will be as it is supposed to be.
Praise God in all his glory!!! H and I had a long talk today and I finally feel as if he is seeing what he needs to do to maintain a relationship with S18. I was calm...only tears a couple of times briefly but recovered quickly. Actually H broke down several times. Wants us to move forward and leave all the yuck behind. I was supportive of his feelings yet firm about the boundaries that he has crossed with S18 and me, too.
Not much about OW only when she was part of the equation. I noticed this conversation was much different than it has been. I know now that God is working and I am going to do my best to be patient. I read somewhere about looking at having to be patient as waiting on God to work. In other words, we are not just waiting with nothing happening but we are waiting on God and that we know there is something happening we just can't see it right now.
H says he will no longer try to force a R between OW and S18. I explained where the difficulty lies and he accepted it without defending her. One thing I told H was that I am praying he finds himself that the person he is now is not nearly as awesome as the man he was and could still be only even better. He was moved. Amazing how much easier it is to talk when OW is not sitting right there.
I am hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. I know that we have a long road ahead of us but we at least are talking again.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
ANM, I am so happy to read your post about the long talk with your H. Glory to God for working on your H.
Quote:
One thing I told H was that I am praying he finds himself that the person he is now is not nearly as awesome as the man he was and could still be only even better. He was moved.
I really like that you praised him. His being moved shows that you said the right thing. Awesome!!! -PH
I talked to a friend of mine that I hadn't been in contact with for quite a while. Her son had just recently told her about all the drama in my life and she has just finished with a lot of drama in her life, too. While talking she said to me have you noticed the pattern here? I asked her what pattern. How H has to create drama every so often. I said I hadn't really thought about it. She said he wants to maintain that connection. A possibility?????
I did remember that the evening that I called him about the things he said to S18. I told him that I didn't want him in my life the way he is not is the man I wanted to be with. Then the conversation we had on the phone yesterday. I wonder if she is right. Doesn't really matter at this point. I just know that for the people who have been with me throughout this situation, yesterday was a huge positive. I know to some it doesn't seem huge but it is.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
A new season is about to begin....Regardless of H, create a reason to give thanks - from the smallest to the most important. When things get rough, use words of affirmation (towards yourself), visit the board, GAL, and surround yourself with positive people.
Just bumping it back up for you again, BFM! So you don't forget me
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
hey, it's BFM not FW as the post says. WE are on our home computer and he's signed in here and rather than sign out I'm just posting under his name.
Now, we both have read your posts and discussed. We actually decided that God was speaking to us just now since we were reading when you bumped your thread.
Anyway, FW and I both looked and FW sees it as your husband trying to get to you through your s18. also, your H is most likely taking his stress out on your s18.
FW lived this at your son's age. His dad took a very stressful situation out on him too and confessed finally after about a year that this was what he was doing.
In addition, FW is a complete momma's boy and sees that when his dad was doing the same thing he was using him to get to his mom. Thinks your H may be doing the same. Using your s18 to get to you.
As far as him trying to maintain a connection - this is also highly likely as well. If he is able to draw a reaction out of you then it is obvious to him that you still care for him. He most likely wants to make sure that you do still care in a round about sort of way.
Keep praying and looking to Him for help. That is the one thing that helped me the most throughout all this. You seem to be a very spiritual and very grounded person which is great. We will keep you in our prayers.
Stay strong. you seem to be doing great.
One other thing - Your H is not doing this on purpose to be malicious to your son or because he hates him. It is important that your son realizes that his dad does still really love him, but that he's under a tremedous amount of stress and s18 is the easy target since dad doesn't really know how to deal with all of it right now and can't deal with as FW says the "[censored] sandwich" he has made for himself. What can an 18 year old son do to his dad? Not much, he is still his dad and s18 is unable to walk away since he will always be his dad where you on the other hand CAN walk away if you choose.
BFM
Last edited by favoriteweirdo; 03/27/0801:49 AM.
"When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." - Helen Keller
