So it's been almost three weeks since my last post. Nothing has changed in my situation, just a lot of reflection and some new insights...
I went to San Francisco for spring break and got to hang out with three of my best girl friends.
FRIEND #1 ... was the one who I had tried to reconcile with b/c we had become estranged since she stopped being supportive about me working towards reconciliation. We had some good hang outs and some ackward hangouts and didn't talk about my R or about our friendship, which left me a little disappointed. But I thought I would use my DB'ing skills and play it cool and not push to talk about it. The last night we hung out we went to this big dance party where there were some performers doing erotic fire dancing. Afterwards we talked about it and she told me watching the firedancing made her question whether or not she was with the right man. I told her watching the firedancing made me feel lonely, forlorn, and heartbroken. I was reflecting on this moment and realized it may have been a bigger deal than I thought at the time... we were both sharing and accepting our feelings, something that my counselor has suggested I work on. It was nice.
FRIEND #2 Has been extremely supportive from the beginning. She suggested early on in the crisis that it is highly possible that my B suffers from depression. I have been thinking about this more lately and I think she is right. Especially around the time of the bomb, there was a lot of changes in eating habits, over-focus on being intimate/not allowing us to be intimate, crying, seeing the worst in the R, etc. Looking back, I think my B may have been suffering from depression his whole life. It is almost like a mysterious, impenetrable membrane. But anyway, friend #2 and I talked about my plan to reach out with thoughtful gifts of real giving. She really encouraged this plan and we talked about how depressed people do not like to be invaded... the good thing about sending a very small card or present is that they can deal with it on their own terms. she compared it to "tapping on their door."
FRIEND #3's husband is a sexual violence prevention counselor and I had a really good discussion with him & friend #3 about my situation. He had some interesting insights... he said it sounded like my B does not have good boundaries, and was taking that out on me, because I have healthy boundaries; also, that fundamentalist cultures frequently have issues with problems of consent because all authority is located outside of the self (B was raised in a very conservative religious family). It was interesting to get new insight even 5-6 months after the bomb.
All of this made me realize that what happened was not totally me. I have been really focused on improving and changing myself. But I really, really, really hope that B is getting help for himself and these issues, not even just for a possible new R together, just so he can be a happy and healthy person.
I've started praying for new things... for B to have a healthy living situation, prosperous financial situation, simpler logistical situation, supportive religious community, really good friends he can spend time with in person, getting help to deal with his own stuff, etc.
