Refuse To Lose, Part VI

[AliSuddenly]

Wow..thats bad news, sorry to hear that RTL. That must have been hard for you to hear. And you're right of course, it must be confusing for her. I'm actually shocked that your W would introduce her young daughter to a new man so early on in the R and whilst yours isnt really resolved as yet. I'm sure your W has rushed headlong into this and isnt thinking about the future at all. Glad you had such a great time with your D,

Ali
______________
Me: 37 H: 34
T: 9 years
IDLYA: 2 Nov 07
Own flat: 26 Jan 08
will he reconnect?

[RefuseToLose]

Ali,

Yes, knowing they are a "couple" does hurt a lot. I think it also helps to explain why she is so nasty to me. He helps fuel that fire, I'm convinced, and she needs his prodding to help her validate her actions, words and accusations. Difficult for me to deal w/ and will be very damaging to D in the future. She doesn't care about what is best for D right now, only in jumping to another man to "rescue" her. He's a mess, so he'll turn on her eventually and D will see that not only did marriage not work, but male/female relationships also break down and don't last.

Update --
D and I did get to swim and she did very well again. Just like the ice skating last night, she really started to get the hang of using the kick board and was motoring pretty well. She also spent a lot of time under water holding her breath and then emerging to the surface w/ out fear. It was great to see her make such progress. I'm hoping I can continue to get her to be active w/ skating, swimming, or something as she seems to really enjoy it.

I got her a cheeseburger at McDonald's as she was hungry, we rushed home so I could shower and then prepared to meet W for the drop-off. W sent a text to me around 3:15 about the drop location and I double-checke the location then added:

Let me guess-unmarked bills. Come alone. No cops.

It was an obvious stab at humor and trying to defrost the ice queen, but of course, it was spun around w/ her reply:

Are you telling me you want me to give you money to get my daughter back?

I replied explaining the joke and that I'd be the one paying if she read it again. I then went on to ask her if she needed any small items outside of the power strip and extension cords she asked for and she said no. Thus, off we went.

D fell asleep in the car and I woke her as I was unloading stuff for W. W looked great, and I told her she did. I need to be honest, right? Anyway, I had picked her up some super sale St. Patrick's Day items at Walmart (cost me a whole $1.75) b/c I knew she would love them due to her Irish heritage. She thanked me for the compliment and these items and for a moment, it actually may have been real. Who knows? That's probably wishful thinking and just more of W's roller coaster self coming out.

I did say to W that I was busy Tuesday, but I was around the rest of the week (alluding to my time off for Spring Break and wanting to spend it w/ D) and she said to e-mail her about it. I'm sure this will come back as "my talking about visitation in front of D" even though I purposely did not mention the words Spring Break, visitation, or any other buzz word that sets off W. Well, come to think of it, right now, any words from my mouth are buzz words that set off W. I should start miming around her. Boy, if she finds me irritating now, just wait until I start miming.

I had added some other small things she had asked for and then I hugged D - who was crying b/c she said she'd miss me - put her in the car, told her I loved her, and I'd see her soon. I then told W about the dog's latest seizure and she was concerned.

I tore out of there to make it as easy as possible on D. On my way home, W sends the following text:

Oh, you were bringing money to me in unmarked bills? That shouldn't be a problem for you considering all the cash advances you took on credit cards and equity line.

My reply was "What?" and I was so tempted to defend myself, but I refrained. In fact, I'm disappointed I put the "what?" reply out there. Oh, well.

I returned home and e-mailed her my break info along w/ an offer to load a rental truck w/ her stuff and drive it out to her when I'm picking up D this week. I asked her to simply split the cost of the truck w/ me and I'd drive it both ways. I even told her I could sit and wait at a neutral location and read or something if she still didn't want me to know where she lived. I'm off, she's mean, so I offered to be nice and play nice here. It will be hard for her to continue to paint me as a bad guy if I'm continuing to offer nice things for her. We'll see how it comes out. My guess is she'll turn it down, then try and say I've denied her her things. This is my proof I'm trying to be helpful.

I also included a note about taxes and a follow-up question about contacting a realtor I know. Again, I'll have to wait and see what she does, if anything.

I was bummed after the exchange and e-mail. I tried to be upbeat, but I'm really having a hard time believing she could ever come back. I guess miracles do happen and there have been other couples who have DB'd through worse, but I just have a hard time seeing it right now.

I'll keep plodding along and doing my best, but it doesn't really matter right now if I'm nice or distant. The result, unfortunately, is the same.

RTL

[RefuseToLose]

Latest...

I called around 7 to talk w/ D, but she was in the tub. W made sure to state she was in the tub b/c she smelled like cholrine. I replied w/ "I'll bet. We didn't have any shampoo for the shower at the pool."

W said she'd have D call me when they were out of the tub.

I just got the following text from W:

I have contacted a real estate agent - the house will be up for sale soon... unless your dad is buying me out. BTW, I showed our finances to a financial planner - he said you could not have handled our finances more poorly. Where did all the money go?

Ok, I'll admit I'm not much of a saver, but again, not only did I not purposely try to screw us over financially, but I did the best I could in trying to help us get ahead. She seems to think I've squandered our money on something, but I haven't. All of the records are open for anyone to look at.

Here is how I replied to W:

I will need to have the agent contact me as I'm still in the house. As for the finances, I have nothing to hide. All the records are available and anyone can look at them. It is always good to get outside perspectives. I would like to talk w/ this planner as well. They may have good adivice. Send the info for both the agent and the financial planner to me via e-mail.

I started to apologize and say I did my best, but deleted that quickly and sent the text above. I offered my W numerous chances to take over our finances and even at times begged her to do so. She always turned me down. If I had known it was going to lead to a divorce filing, then I would have went to some professional help a long time ago.

W just sent a reply: "If you have nothing to hide, where did all the money go?"

I replied:

We can match up the statements and find all of it. I have our stuff from the last four or five years at least. I think I probably have further back than that as I don't remember shredding any tax stuff. Look at anything. If errors were made they weren't made w/ mailce or ill intent. Remember, I offered several times throughout the years to have you take over the finances. If it will make you feel better, I will get you copies of everything to look at right away. Your lawyer will get copies in a few weeks, as per order, if you can wait. If not, let me know.

While I was writing that, W sent off "I look forward to reviewing the finances to see how you destroyed us finacially since the deadline for you to turn them over is tomorrow."

I repled that the deadline was too early and they aren't due until April and she should have the letter.

Oh, well. Still no call from W to talk w/ D. The bath was almost an hour ago and W said she'd have D call me in 10 minutes.

It is 8:06 and I just tried to call and talk to my D. W didn't answer the phone and I had to leave a message. W is able to yell at me w/ texts, but won't let me talk w/ my D before she goes to bed. Not cool.

W just sent another text saying:

Good to know. Fact is a ton of joint money was spent w/o my knowledge or consent. You lied REPEATEDLY about money to control me. You admitted that...verbally and in writing.

I didn't reply to this one.

Before she filed for divorce, I told her that I didn't want her to know my dad had given me money to pay down credit debt b/c I was afraid our improved financial standing would have her want to run off w/ OM. At the time, she thanked me sincerely for my honesty, but now it is used against me.

Also, four years ago, a good family friend died and all my siblings and I had expected to receive money from him as he had told us he set stuff aside for us in his will. So, when I learned of his death, I told my W we could go ahead and get our landscaping done b/c I thought I had money coming in. I didn't do it for control, I simply made the cardinal mistake of counting chickens before they hatch. I learned a major lesson here, but it has obviously sat w/ W for four plus years. She's so angry about this.

I don't do drugs, gamble or blow money on prostitutes. I am not a saver. That is all. This is something we could have easily worked through, so I don't believe it is the crux of her wanting to leave. However, she is using it to fuel her anger right now.

I attempted to answer her in the best, most non-defensive way I could. I've even told her I'll work on geting her copies of our finances tomorrow so she can begin to look through them.

I'm sure I made mistakes, but I didn't make any mistakes that I'm ashamed of admitting. She is off-base here and that is too bad.

I just sent her a text asking for D to call me. W said the agent will be in touch. Interesting how she won't let me talk w/ the "finacial planner" however.

Oh, well. This post is very long. I'll go for now. I probably shouldn't have tried to be nice and answered any of her texts. I am doing my best to walk that fine line b/t covering my rear and DBing. It isn't easy and it really sucks.

RTL

[RefuseToLose]

Another text...
W claims D "passed out" 45 minutes ago which is why she didn't call me back.

W also said that D slept w/ me both nights and I told her to tell her mommy that she had "nightmares" so I let her sleep w/ me.

I replied w/ the following:

It is sad I didn't get to tell her goodnight. D slept in her own bed both nights. Your baseless accusations are insulting. You are better than that.

I felt I needed to stand up a bit for myself here and let her know this is garbage. My lawyer will get these tomorrow as I will be talking w/ him about getting financial copies to my wife for her to review as soon as she'd like.

If I get another text, I'm going to tell her I'm not mad, but I'm also not going to argue w/ her either. She is pulling our child into the middle of her mess. What type of interrogations are going on in that apartment?

I'm going to take some drugs and go bed. If the maddness continues, I'll fill update you all in the morning.

RTL

[RefuseToLose]

W sent another text admitting she didn't have an agent or that she didn't have a "financial planner" but several people looked at our finances. She is lying and can't keep her lies straight.

However, the fireworks went off when W responded to my calling her accusations insulting. She sent off this:

You are telling me that D is lying to me on her own? She said it...on her own.

My reply may get me in trouble, but if I lose my D over this then there is no hope in our justice system. I replied:

She was in her own bed. She was in my bed from 545-630 b/c I was too tired from getting up at 4 am to hide eggs to put her back to bed.

Ok, I probably shouldn't have stated that she was in my bed this morning for a whopping 45 minutes. In hindsight, that should have been left out b/c W fires back w/ "So you admit she was in bed w/ you in violation of our agreement."

Technically, yes. I violated the agreement, I guess. The agreement W wrote was this:

D needs to sleep alone in her own bed...

She was in her bed from her normal bed time until right before she normally gets up, so I'd say the agreement wasn't violated as she spent the night in her own room by herself. I think a sane person would see it this way. At least I hope they would.

I didn't answer W's charge, but sent this off instead:

D is playing good cop/bad cop w/ us. She told me YOU let her take her clothes off in bed. I told her that was not true and people always wear clothes to bed. She also said she sleeps w/ YOU regularly. This came from her alone and not from me. So am I to have the same freak out concern w/ her in your bed? Of course not. She is 4, she is confused, and she is testing. You are a good mom and I am a good dad. I trust you to handle her in the best way for Grace when she does things like this and I would expect the same from you. Her world has been turned upside down. We can't forget about that.

I didn't get a reply from W, of course. However, I'm a bit worried that my text may lead to some restraning order or something from W's side. I shouldn't have said it, but I'm hoping that the courts and the parenting evaluator will take it for what it is -- nothing of consequence. I really don't know and I am a bit apprehensive about it, to be truthful.

I erred tonight because I was trying to help my W w/ some of her fears over our financials as well as trying to stand up for myself a bit as well. I really hate this. I took her bait, I guess, and gave her some ammuntion. I hope it is very small and doesn't hurt me in the end.

Now, I'm officially going to take some drugs and go to sleep. Talk to you tomorrow.

RTL

[smith18]

Your W is spiraling down a path of anger. There is nothing you can do that will appease her. It seems that alcohol, drugs, failed relationships and anger are going to consume her. Your W's theme song should be Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire".

[nutfarmer]

Talk to your lawyer. He might advise you to stop contact with W other than pick up and drop off times.

You cannot save her from herself. Only she can do that. Remember when you play her game, she makes the rules--and she gets to change them without any notice.

Nut

[RefuseToLose]

Kerry and Nut,

I think you both are correct. I need to put DBing on hold here for the time being. I'm going to go back to the non-responsive ways of dealing w/ W. I sent off information to my L about getting her financial paperwork and I'll wait to hear what he says about that.

I think I'll go ahead and make copies today and have them ready to give to W if she wants to see them. Otherwise, I'm going to simply keep things about D. You are both right. I can't appease her regardless of what I try to do, so I'll try to do nothing.

I'm still worried my admitting of D being in bed w/ me for 45 minutes will be used against me, but I'll bring that up w/ the parenting evaluator on Tuesday to see what he says. Oh, well. It is a terrible place to be, but I have to go to a very dark shade of grey w/ W right now.

She's lost it and her "experts" are her friends who are giving her bad advice based on 1/2 the facts.

I'll see if she even responds to my e-mail about seeing my D this week and helping her get her stuff. I'm pretty sure that will go w/out a reponse as well.

Thanks for chiming in, fellas. I'm pretty alone here right now.

RTL

[nutfarmer]

RTL,

I just bought a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and am about half way through it. I see myself in many of the behaviors Dr. Glover outlines. You might benefit from it--you can get it at nomormrniceguy.com. I downloaded it as an Ebook for $10. Don't be put off by the title, it is not neo-sexist or anything like that. He talks about the behaviors that we nice guys do to sabotage ourselves.

It is worth a read.

Nut

[AliSuddenly]

Hey RTL ... you did the right thing. Enough is enugh. You sound so scared of her...she has taken all the control (and your D) away from you and sounds quite nasty. I was reading through all that thinking, ok, you need to stand up for yurself here a little bit, this is getting out of control. So well done for writing that text saying her accusations are ridiculous and also for pressing her for details of the estate agent etc, and then sghe admits she doesnt have one?

And whats all this about destroying your finances? What, is she 4? I would never ever accuse a man/H of destroying my finances if I had LET him do them for me. Wheres the responsibility for herself, for you, for your joint finances there? This isnt the 1950s anymore ! I totally disagree with her stand point. I just cant believe how mean she is being, she is consumed with rage. Its out of control !

I think yuou need to pull back to be honest, go dark. No more chatty texts or trying to appease her or be nice. Strictly business. Be polite, but I dont know, shes gone to far at the moment and needs to just see with her own eyes that you are not the ogre she paints you as.

Dont worry about the "agreement" - surely any evaluator isnt going to frown on your D being in bed with you at 6.30 am??? Every parent of toddlers I knows has their kids get into bed at tht time of the morning..its NORMAL. Who is she to tell you yuo cant do that with your D? I think you need to ignore her! Tell her you are her father and know whats best for her as she does being her mother. I dont know, I feel so mad for you !!!

Your W has had a personality transplant surely??

What do others think?? I think go dark...

Ali
_______________
Me: 37 H: 34
T: 9 years
IDLYA: 2 Nov 07
Own flat: 26 Jan 08
will he reconnect?