Newbie here needing some advice

[Gone Dancin']

Okay, I understand the reasoning behind the separation papers so you can legally get more time with the kids. Honestly, the fact that she feels justified in keeping the kids from you this much is quite disconcerning. She is a typical WAS -- completely in selfish mode. You will find out all about the WAS habits and behaviors in DR (btw, how far into it are you?). If she will not budge on the sharing of the kids, then I agree that you should move along the separation papers. However, don't do it in hopes that she will "wake up" or anything of that nature. That's pretty much why I filed for D, and honestly it had quite the opposite affect.

I am doing all I can to better myself, it just feels like its falling on death ears and eyes.

The focus is not to be on your W in regard to your changes. Don't do it for her -- do it for YOU. If you truly believe you need to make these changes, then you won't primarily concern yourself on whether or not she acknowledges them. And, btw, if she's noticing them, you won't know it for quite some time. She will keep these observations to herself. In addition, she probably won't believe they're genuine until you keep them up consistently for a very long period of time (at least several months, to be quite honest). Remember, prepare yourself for a marathon (4 months is a good start, but it is very, very likely you have much further to go).

Now, regarding your changes. What are the things about yourself that you believe you need to change? What did you do to contribute to the breakdown of the M? Most definitely, your W played a roll in this breakdown too, but since she won't acknowledge that right now (nor can you control that) we have to focus on your part. This is an extremely important step. The more honest you can be about this, the better you can do to work on the changes and the better other DBers can help you.

How soon did you start DR after your seperation?

Unfortunately, 6 1/2 months (and 4 months after I filed for D).

Do you think that your W has noticed any difference in you?

Without a doubt! I know this because a) she has briefly commented on it on a couple of occasions (1 recently), b) she is much more friendly with me and comfortable around me, and c) I haven't been any of the things I mentioned in my first post since I started DBing last May. I've been nearly 100% consistent with my changes since then. And, in all honesty, I think it took seeing me continue on with my changes AFTER the D for her to actually believe they are genuine and permanent. She now has a boyfriend and is living with him, but it is my understanding that she doesn't care for him much anymore (heard it through the grapevine). However, financially she is kind of stuck with needing him since she can't support herself and the kids (we have 50/50 custody) on her own. He is 12 yrs older than her, but really he isn't a very responsible guy (has 2 previously failed M's and doesn't do jack at home). She met him through work. I myself started dating right at the time of our D, and she knows I'm casually dating a few different girls. I have no plans of getting into a serious R anytime in the near future, and I believe she regrets getting into hers (they've been together for about a year now). Sorry, think I got off track there...

I didn't realize what a jerk I was.

Can you explain?

If I only knew 5 months ago what I know now I would probably not be in this situation.

It is almost certain that you wouldn't have realized this until your W dropped the bomb. It almost always takes a major crisis to fully occur before we are able to understand the magnitude of our previous choices, actions, and behaviors.

She can't remember any of the good times we had together, in her eyes everything was bad.

This is exactly what DR will explain to you -- typical WAS behavior. It justifies their decision to walk away. What you need to do is show via your actions and behaviors why she should want to stay with you.

I am hoping that putting the house on the market and having less time with the kids then maybe she will come around on her actions. This is probably wishful thinking.

Yes. Don't do it for that reason. Do it to protect yourself -- and make sure she understands that IF she becomes upset about it.

I am going to try my best to stop talking about our M with her. I know it will be hard.

Yes it will be hard, but most likely it is the best choice to make at this time. You are at the Last Resort Technique (read up on it in DR). Stopping the chase and becoming attractive to her via your changes is what you need to do.

By chance, during your seperation, do you think you could have done anything different that may have made more of an impact?

Yeah, before I found DR I could've not been an ahole, not filed for D, and not attempted to force an ultimatum on her. I actually tried to make her choose to either work things out or get a D a mere 7 weeks into our separation. Guess which one she chose? Once again, my attempt to control her and/or the situation reinforced her belief that continuing a M with me was the wrong thing to do.

Hope that helps, ping. Please let us know about the things you did to help facilitate the breakdown of the M, and the behaviors you know you need to change.

Happy Easter!!!

GD