Thanks, GF! Hope everyone is having a good Easter today. H was here early this AM, had breakfast & took the kids to church & lunch & still is out with them! I'm enjoying the "me" time. Been cleaning, working on the play, and am about to do some weightlifting--really heavy 5 pounds!!! Karen
I am so sick of H! He spent the morning with the kids and then the last couple hours here. He threw a tantrum b/c one of his movies was missing, and yelled at me and my D14 about that. Then he accused me of telling D8 that he lives with his girlfriend. Actually, he is the one that always talks about his girlfriend, spends all his time with her, and texting her so she drew her own conclusions, and I am not going to lie to her for him either. I actually say nothing when D8 has brought up Daddy's girlfriend or "new wife" as she has called her before...except to say that most daddies don't have girlfriends (as my C told me to tell her).
I sent him this email when he left b/c I was so upset: I would appreciate it if you would not come here & call me a liar in future & throw tantrums about your stuff. We may have lost a $10 movie--how much money have you spent on your girlfriend and hotels?? D8 draws her own conclusion about your girlfriend prob. b/c you used to spend all your free time with her or texting her. I don't talk about you other than to say what days you are coming. You are high if you think I care you are sc***ing your trashy girlfriend all the time!
He then came home and apologized to my son and I for yelling and aapologized for the argument. I don't even talk about him other than to tell D8 what days he will be here; it's ridiculous. Life without H is so peaceful & stress-free and then he has to come here and bring his MLC insanity or whatever it is!!! Karen
H and I are having email wars now! I told H the only conversation I had with D8 this week was when we talked about how most married dads don't have girlfriends (at the advice of my C). He emailed me back that he would like me to tell him when I am talking about him and his life to the kids & how would I feel if he discussed mental illness with them? (referring to my depression that I had last year!)
I emailed back: You can tell them I was depressed for several years if you'd like, although my counselor says you probably contributed to that quite a bit with your anger/name-calling/emotionally checking out of the marriage. You've had many conversations without me or informing me: when you told the kids you were moving out was without me, and the day that you actually moved out you didn't tell me beforehand, etc. Can you explain why you think I should communicate with you when you don't return the favor to me???
Then he emailed back:that he did tell me he was moving out and I guess I just couldn't handle tht & if he was the sole reason for my depression it was for the best he moved out and why am I taking ADs if he was the sole reason for my depression? I emailed H back:
I am talking about the conversation in which you told the kids you were moving out; you did not allow me to participate or be present in that discussion or tell me the day you were moving out (I figured it out when I heard you moving furniture!), and you never communicate with me about stuff like that but you think I should!! I said in my email my counselor feels you contributed which doesn't mean you were the sole reason for my depression but she feels you were a contributing factor. I am surprised you bring that up, b/c for a long time you have denied I even had a depression! I guess you could say moving out was for the best, or you could just try work on your anger & name-calling problems instead of running away from them.
I'm not doing DB at all day, b/c I am so upset with H!!! I need to calm down...this has been our first fight in a month or two and H is so frustrating! Karen
I can't believe it. H just emailed me that many people going through divorces have relationships!!! I emailed back:
Yes, after the divorce, but not 10 months before or whatever. We were and still are married and living together when you started your affair, most people wait until they are divorced or at least separated. I guess you have to tell yourself that it is normal though...It's not though esp. when both involved in the affair are married with kids! But I guess you have to rationalize your behavior or you would have guilt of course.
He emailed me back that 50% of married people have affairs and he was justified because he told me he wanted a divorce before he started his affair! Yes, he is truly a saint and wonderful husband for that!!! Karen
Just my 2 cents, I haven't really kept up on your sitch, but quit the email back and forth. You are doing nothing but making yourself more and more angry. The more reaction he gets from you the more he can justify the A. You are feeding into his manipulation.
Sticks and stones you know.......
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
You are right; he frequently tries to get me into fights and was determined to do that today, and I fell right into it. He knows how to push my buttons, and did that today, which he hadn't been able to do in a while!!! I'll stop emailing him, he has been emailing me a dozen times now all more ridiculous than the previous!!! Karen
Karen my h did the same in any ways. He said he wanted the D and then started his physical affair. He was involved for atleast 2w months before we separated and we are still not D and he is living with her. But he also tries to suck me into fights. The other day he was fine when he visited d but as he was leaving he started a fight. For the first time instead of fighting back I backed off and said I was not going to fight him. I even said that by fighting with him he will go home feeling justified in what he is doing. He did back off and actually apologized. That was a first and it was definitley a better approach.
I would simply tell your husband that he doesn't get to dictate to you how you communicate with your children, and that you will NEVER lie to them -- EVER -- but will always tell them the truth, in an age-appropriate way.
And the next time he tries to justify his affair, say something like "I will not debate with you the morals of having an affair. Your decisions and choices are yours alone, and they are yours to live with. Please don't ask me to make you feel better about your extremely hurtful decision to have an affair."
Karen
Karen
Karen
