Much of your situation is a direct reflection of mine: high school sweethearts , 2 kids, controlling/manipulative, likely no OM, W wants freedom, W doesn't want MC, you're doing IC, W says she lost herself in the R and doesn't know who she is anymore, W felt like she was walking on eggshells when you were angry, you focused on the kids and not your M, etc. Quite honestly, the similarities are uncanny.
As you can see in my signature below, I'm now D'd from my XW. We were separated for a litle over a year before the D was final, and we've been D'd for 4 months now. That being said, things are a hell of a lot better now than they were 17 months (heck, even 4 months ago). I can say with certainty that the reason for this is the hard work I've done to make much needed changes in myself. You see, I became the biggest ahole in the world in my M. I was rude, a jerk, manipulative, guilt-tripping, verbally abusive and belittling, controlling, etc. I also had a very bad anger problem. I never made our M a partnership, and always believed that I was always right about everything. Also, I was very insecure as a man, which I believe added to the forementioned actions on my behalf.
What helped me to fix these things about me was first analyzing myself (esp through my W's lenses). I whole-heartedly stripped myself bear to see who I really was and how I was behaving and why. Things that helped me to do this was IC, several self-help and/or M saving books (DB/DR, The 5 Love Languages, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, His Needs/Her Needs), and a huge dose of humility and acceptance. Ultimately, you and I can only control ourselves, ping, and that at the very best means that we can control our actions, choices, behaviors, etc. Yes, it is hard work because we pretty much have to re-wire ourselves, but I have found that the more you focus on doing this and the more effort you put into it, the easier it becomes (to the point of it really becoming who you are -- not just who you want to be or should be).
You said you have purchased DR (which is GREAT!) -- I hope you're reading it as I type this, and continue to do so with every minute of spare time until it is finished. I also recommend reading it at least 2 more times afterwards, as it helps to make it really sink in and become an internal reference that is always accessible.
There is still hope for your M, ping, I promise you. For me, my changes are for life, and I will continue being the rock for my XW in times of need, and will continue being the man that she deserved to have in the first place. Many people draw a line in the sand in terms of when they will give up and/or move on. My line is when someone else comes along that makes me feel alive, loved, appreciated, respected, etc. Until then, I will leave the door to reconciliation with my XW open. I always believed that we would have to get D'd before any chance or reconciliation was possible, and things seem to be much better between us since the D was final. We went from hardly talking at all (only about the kids when necessary), to laughing and joking -- even talking on the phone and sitting in the same room together BSing. I believe she is final beginning to see my changes are genuine and here to stay. I don't know if it will ever change anything between us, but I'll be happy even if it doesn't. It is important to make these changes for YOU, and if your W ever decides she wants to come back to you, then that will be the icing on the cake for you. Otherwise, you'll be happy as a new and improved man, and will be an excellent catch for someone else down the road. I believe DR says it takes an average of about 3 months of consistent change for a WAS to actually consider that the change is for real and possibly permanent. Of course, there is no real way to know if this is the same timeline for your W, but I always believed it was worth consideration.
I tell you these things about my own failed M in hopes that you will find some knowledge that is applicable to your own sitch. Our sitches are very similar, and I believe there is still hope for both of us.
If there is anything I can do to help you out regarding your sitch and/or DBing, please don't hestitate to ask. As for these questions you asked:
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Do I start acting like I don't care?
Not necessarily. You start acting like you will be okay no matter what happens. Your W knows you care and that you don't want this, but what you have to do is show her that you are strong even in the face of this devastating change you're up against. Show her a man that is strong, happy, confident, calm, cool, understanding, etc. Show her a man that understands what he has done wrong, and who is working hard to change those old ways (and notice I said SHOW, not TELL. The worst thing you can do to ruin your credability here is to TELL her you're making changes. Your ACTIONS will tell her a much better/realistic story than your WORDS will. Trust me). Answer me this: is an attractive man someone who begs, cries, pleads, sulks, etc, or someone who is happy, humorous, confident, strong, has his own life and is staying active, etc? Which would you rather spend time with if you were a woman?
So, don't act like you don't care, but act like you are strong enough to deal with the reality of where things are as of now. Does this make sense?
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Do I persue with the seperation papers?
I would strongly suggest you don't, but really it is up to you. Do you think it is necessary, and that it will bring you closer to your goals? Have you established what your goals are yet? There is a section in DR that is excellent for helping you with these.
I got impatient with my XW during our S and ended up being the one who filed for D (this was several months before I found DR and this site, unfortunately). I wish I never would've done that. Filing for D is much different than filing for legal separation, but I thought it was worth mentioning to you as food for thought.
Honestly, the first thing you need to do is forgive yourself for your failing M -- the past is the past, and you did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. End of story. You're learning now what tools work best in a M, and that is what counts and what you should be focusing on. That and studying DR like your M depended on it! Time and patience are your best friend right now, so as difficult as they are to embrace, please do so. Saving your M isn't a sprint -- it's a stinkin' marathon!
As for your MIL, that is something that is out of your control, so please don't focus on it (it takes energy away for the things you CAN control). If your W truly decides she likes your hard-earned changes and wants to try again, than her MIL won't be able to change her mind. Just focus on making your changes and practicing DR strategies and suggestions. Do you ever see your MIL? If so, I suggest DBing her too. Couldn't hurt.
One more piece of advice for now -- don't say anything about DR to your W or anyone else that could potentially relay this info to your W. It is your Ace in the Hole -- don't give it up. Also, don't say anything negative about your M, W, sitch, etc (basically, anything you don't want your W to hear) to anyone that might relay it to your W. This could prove to be very damaging and counter-productive to your efforts.
Best of luck -- I'll try to check in later. I'm not really on the boards near as much as I used to be.
