Real quick, I just wanted to say, as usual, that I agree with Puppy. The constant texts/calls are H's way of maintaining control and the comfort he wants to reassure himself that you are exactly where you say you are and doing what you're 'supposed' to be doing. It wouldn't surprise me if he has a hidden fear in the back of his mind that you might possibly 'retaliate' against him for what he did (the A). That might sound crazy, but it could be. Shortly after my H and I S'ed, he would call me all the time to check up on me, especially on Friday nights when he knew the kids were going to be with a sitter (my parents or MIL). One time he actually admitted having this fear.
Your H wanting to have you beside him all the time could be for the same reason. Despite all he's said and done, H is probably afraid he might lose you, so it's very comforting for him to have you right there.
As Puppy suggested, limit your responses to the texts/calls. Answer only when/if necessary. Spend some QT with your H when you're at home together, but be the first to break away. You can be there for him, but you've got to be there for yourself as well. I think it was Emily who pointed out that you still need to really work on detaching, and she's right. I know it's hard to not think about your H and what he's up to when he's away, but you have to let go. Lovingly detach.
(((Be strong.)))
BTW, I got your e-mail and will respond tomorrow morning. I gotta get on the road now!
Happy Easter! You, too, Puppy!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Ok so I made an incorrect assumption. When H finally got out of bed he was plesant and i actually sent him to the store to pick up some stuff for the dressing. I guess my theory that he was staying in bed to cause a fight was incorrect, and he actaully just is selfish and inconsiderate ;-)
Had to say it. Sorry if it sounds bitter. The day is actually going ok.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Here's a great rule of thumb on the QT with your husband:
If you want to do it (say, go out to eat), because you had a hard day and could use the diversion -- then do it. But be the one to suggest it, and don't do too much of it.
However, if you're doing it because HE might get mad if you don't, or sad if you don't, or you "feel bad for him," -- EERRRRRNNNN!!! Wrong.
I think some "Neecy time" alone 1x/week, and a "girl's night out" 1x/week or 1x every-other week, where you don't keep texting him all night (but do come back when you say you're going to) would do wonders.
As my wife and I like to tell our D21 and D19: be a little less available, and a little more mysterious. Puppy
I think some "Neecy time" alone 1x/week, and a "girl's night out" 1x/week or 1x every-other week, where you don't keep texting him all night (but do come back when you say you're going to) would do wonders.
I actually have 2 things planned for this week. Friday after I drop D off at work I am going for a facial(part of the package I won). Saturday night my sister and I are going to a muscial (from the 2nd prize package I won).
Another good thing is hapenning this week. Both sets of grandparents will be returning home. In previous discussions when H had threatened to leave, or me to kick him out he was just going down the street to his parents beautiful empty house and no one was the wiser, now leaving holds the consequence of them knowing so it won't be an empty threat. 2nd reason this is good, way easier to get a babysitter so the idea that if H goes out i might need to stay home to watch d on a sturday night vanishes.
As far as the mystery, it would drive H nuts, if I could do it right. Last night I left the room and came back in to him going through my phone. He clicked through all the contacts - very few - and stopped on one I had purposely put as an acronym. Just the daycare. 20 questions on who this might be, and the threat to call it if I didn't tell him, My only response was should we go through your phone and discuss the calls? Well about 20 min later out of the blue he says the name of the daycare, since he sat there going through all the things that could come up with these letters.
The other night before my ride showed up he called (this is amongst the texts and he had only been gone 10 min) hafway through the convo I thought about things I've heard on here and said, alright then have a nice time I'll talk to you in a bit, bye. H - "wait, wait, why are you trying to get off the phone? I'm still talking."
One more different convo last night. The apple commercial that had been bugging me because of the song came on. He looked right at me laughed and said, that isn't the song. I said, I know and I really don't care if it is. He cocked his head and says, yes you do. Um no really I don't, 1. just because the song meant something to her doens;t mean it meant anything to you, you could care less about stuff like that 2. I am caring less and less about things like that everyday. H- It doesn't bother you just a little? Me - nope. About 10 min later, H- what do you mean you are caring less about things?
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Neecy, here is a clue as to just ON-TARGET we are with this current line of thinking/action:
Quote:
The other night before my ride showed up he called (this is amongst the texts and he had only been gone 10 min) hafway through the convo I thought about things I've heard on here and said, alright then have a nice time I'll talk to you in a bit, bye. H - "wait, wait, why are you trying to get off the phone? I'm still talking."
Bingo!
DO do your "GAL" things -- that's great! Do NOT feel the need to tell him anything more than "I'm going out for awhile; Grandma's gonna watch the kids. I won't be late!" and then leave. If he texts you, ignore it for about an hour, and that text back -- JUST ONCE -- "That's sweet of you to check up on me. I'm fine -- see you later!" And do NOT reply to his further texts.
This was great:
Quote:
My only response was should we go through your phone and discuss the calls?
, but you should have prefaced it with a firm "Please don't go thru my cellphone; it's desrespectful. Should we go through YOUR phone and discuss the calls?"
Quote:
One more different convo last night. The apple commercial that had been bugging me because of the song came on. He looked right at me laughed and said, that isn't the song. I said, I know and I really don't care if it is. He cocked his head and says, yes you do. Um no really I don't, 1. just because the song meant something to her doens;t mean it meant anything to you, you could care less about stuff like that 2. I am caring less and less about things like that everyday. H- It doesn't bother you just a little? Me - nope. About 10 min later, H- what do you mean you are caring less about things?
Ok admittedly not as good, but I didn't get up and leave the room when the commercial came on or try to prevent the need to vomit, so I am growing somewhat.
And...2 positives to only one negative, I am taking baby steps but I am getting there. I checked back in my threads and it is interesting to see the changes(not as much in the R but in me).
Last edited by neecy22; 03/24/0804:03 PM.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
I think it's nothing short of remarkable, Neecy. And as you see it WORKING (for YOU, not for your R), it will become more and more second nature.
We can't control our spouses, but we DO get to work on ourselves. If you can grow thru this, maybe something good will come out of it. There's really no risk, because the whole "GAL" behavior ALSO makes you more attractive to the wayward spouse. The trick is, you have to not do it for that reason, which takes some real effort. As soon as you do it to try to "win them back," it defeats the whole purpose.
... because the whole "GAL" behavior ALSO makes you more attractive to the wayward spouse. The trick is, you have to not do it for that reason, which takes some real effort. As soon as you do it to try to "win them back," it defeats the whole purpose.
Exactly.
I recall once where you referred to a DB strategy as being "part of this whole game". You must remember that it is not. You shouldn't be trying to win your H back; you should be trying to better yourself FOR yourself, and in the process, a more loving, understanding, uncontrolling you will once again attract your H's attention.
But know that once you have it, it doesn't stop there. It shouldn't. It's a continual effort, a continual growth.
Last edited by GoingForward; 03/25/0801:58 AM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
This is a vent and I understand that you can't change another person but this is just how I am feeling today so I need to type it out.
I feel like I was pretty damn good before. I was a very nice wife to my H, I do everything around the house 95% of the parenting, got him drinks, got him meals am supportive of whatever he does and constantly stroke his ego. I always complimented him on when he looked good, had a nice butt ect. I never denied ML although I may not have initiated enough. On a personal level, I am hard working, successful for the area I live in, have good friends who all think I am a lot of fun, have a tonne of personality and am about the most loyal person you are ever going to meet. Now I have to work on becoming a person that my husband wants to be with???
Yes I have been controlling it the past, and that I can and am working on but it is so hard to try to make all these changes to what I think was a very good package to begin with while H gets to continue being a person who takes for granted, never compliments, never expresses love, and basically behaves like the spoiled youngest child that he is, and is actually excelling at these attitudes now that he realizes I am trying to be less controlling. And yes I know all these things about him accept them and love him anyways.
Once again, no need to comment on this mental break down, I just needed to type it out before I go nuts.
Last edited by neecy22; 03/25/0803:13 PM.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
