Great song; thanks for sharing that. Music has helped me too, both in terms of finding joy and feeling pain.
You really sound like you're doing pretty well under these trying times. This is one of the most emotionally and physically challenging things a person can face, so pat yourself on the back a bit.
I agree with you that whatever your and my faults as spouses, we didn't deserve this. We should have the chance to work things through with our wives, provided they are really willing to own up to their failings and work too. And that's the kicker isn't it? I do agree that one person can potentially change the dynamic of a relationship, which is one reason why we need to do our work (but the main reason for doing our work is to improve ourselves), but in the end if they want to run that is going to be the reality of the situation. We couldn't force them to marry us, nor can we force them to stay married to us. Which brings me back to the question that keeps nagging me--do I really want to be with someone who runs from a relationship rather than works through things, who flees rather than holds a commitment to our relationship through thick and thin? I was guilty of downplaying and ignoring problems, as many men are, but now the lights are on.
If now is too late for my wife, then that's her decision and I will have to live with the consequences of my shortcomings over the years and her refusal to see if we can find a way through the hard times. All this work has shown me many flaws in her as well, and in the way we interacted. That adds another layer of complexity. If she suddenly said she wanted to see if we could work on things, I'd be willing to listen, but I realize more than ever what I need from her, and it's by no means clear to me that she can provide it. I guess all this uncertainty comes from being apart from her for eight months with minimal contact and no really serious talks about R.
Make it a good day. Perhaps you and I have learned some lessons and will move on to other people. The key, I've decided, is to do the work on ourselves and let the other pieces fall where they may. Eckhart Tolle has a wonderful saying which basically advises us to pay attention to our inner worlds and the other stuff will take care of itself. I take that to mean don't be desperately looking for love. Instead, become the most wonderful, loving, passionate, interesting person you can be, and someone will find that attractive.
