Help me act AS IF, Thread 4

[inmyplace]

lmg,

I am chuckling a bit. Here's why. You wrote:

so maybe that will help me get back on track--one hour, one task at a time.

I was just thinking, one day at a time, lmg. And you already knew it. Actually, you recognize that sometimes, you have to get through the next hour.

Aside from that, the counsel you have received here and the questions you asked were well answered.

Hang in there. It does get better.

IMP

[newnamenewlife]

Today is Hs bday. Ds are off for Good Friday and H is unemployed, so we had a little bday bkfst for him. He came downstairs and I gave him a big hug and kiss and wished him happy bday. My Ds know I love him and I'm sure no matter what they are told about the S, they'll remember who was loving and affectionate and who was not during the last few months.

So today we are all going for a hike and then to H's parents house for dinner. I sort of think I should stay home since in the future I will not be joining(not for a long time anyway). I am getting SICK of feeling ignored/negated/unappreciated by H. I also hate that my Ds see his lack of enthusiasm for me.

I am realizing more and more how GAL stuff benefits me. When I am with my friends, I feel loved and appreciated for who I am. Also with my kids. Pretty much any human being besides H makes me feel like I actually exist and have something to offer.

I'm planning a baby shower for a friend in a few weeks, so that's fun, and scheduling more and more things with friends and forgetting about H. The only thing I worry about is Ds noticing that H&I never go out alone anymore (he refuses to engage in anything that is couple-like.)

Thanks for your continued support!

[ddstartingover]

LMG - I finally decided to stop in and post on your thread. My H had his 45th bday on the 7th of this month. He insisted that he DID NOT want to do ANYTHING for his bday (MLC anyone???) Of course the kids could not oblige. So, I made a cake and S9 made H a card with pics of each of them in. D14 made him a humorous card. i bought some presents to be from all of us. He handled it ok, quiet. I think the card from S touched him. We had a pretty good weekend----followed by the e-mail on the 10th declaring once again that it was over and we needed to get on with the D.

I need to do better with getting out with friends. I do a lot with the kids without first wondering if we should try to include H, or get back home in time to see H.

I told H in an e-mail prior to the first e-mail declaring it was time to D. I told him that living like THIS was not good for the kids----meaning that seeing parents living in a non-loving relationship was not good for them---to learn about healthy relationships. He seemed to take it as yet another reason he needs to leave...........

I'm rambling. I'm here for support. We do seem to have a lot in common. Hopefully we will both find success....in whatever
WE decide is best for each of us.

[ddstartingover]

This is funny, I went back to read your first thread, and found that I posted to you in January----noted all the things we have in common!!!

Have a great weekend/Easter!!

[newnamenewlife]

I'm totally breaking down this morning. Crying. We are having Easter dinner for my mom, H's parents and my cousin. Only H's parents know what's going on. My mom is, as always, delighted to be attending an event given by "the ideal couple" as she calls us.

I just feel like cancelling the whole thing. I told H that and he got all grumpy with me saying we have to do it for the kids. Not an OUNCE of compassion or warmth when he sees me crying and hurting. This guy used to be the sweetest. I feel so alone, so abandoned by him and now somehow pissed at his parents for coming (they kind of invited themselves) when they know it's a sham.

I know, I have to and I will pull myself together for the kids and everything. I have to. I get NO credit from H for all that I do and all the ways in which I've rallied these past few months. I hate him.

[Grace_O]

lmg,

I hope all is better and dinner went (or is going) well. I don't think he's capable of compassion for you right now. Not really. It would require too much of him. If he's anything like my H....he gave so much for so long, he just can't do it any more. It doesn't matter that we didn't (or don't) see what they were trying to do. In their way they tried. I suppose that the best anyone of us can do. I don't know.

Give yourself credit for all you do. Now is the time to work on internal validation. It really does help.

I still vascilate with regards to how I fel about my H. I know it will get better. I'm hoping the more I work on myself the sooner that will be

HUGS

[newnamenewlife]

Dinner went well (with the help of some wine.) I feel validated by everyone except my H so being around other people helps--and makes me realize just how invisible I feel around H.

My H also feels like he gave and gave for years and years. Honestly, I don't know why he sees it as so black and white--as if I never gave anything back? I am trying to see our R the way he describes it and I just can't. I guess there is no absolute truth--there is what he sees and what I see. I wish he would just lighten up, though, sometimes. We'd be better off now (IMO) if we had gone with the surge in reconnection and sex that happened right after the bomb. Now H has a force field around him--no touching, no eye contact--and it's so empty and depressing.

Anyway, off to GAL--walking around the park with a friend.
hugs to you!

[Grace_O]

I hope you enjoy the walk. I'm getting ready to do that myself (as soon as I pry nyself away from the bb).

I hate the force field thing. I'm getting some eye contact these days. Sometimes as much as 2 or 3 times in a day. Given that I see him only on Sunday's and then it depends on how much I'm here. I usually leave and use it as my recharging day.

[newnamenewlife]

I'm feeling confused and hopeless today (what's new?!)

I am sick of sharing the bed with a man who won't touch me AT ALL.
I am sick of him saying goodbye without kissing or hugging me.
I am sick of H being unwilling to talk about anything R oriented unless it's about his plans to separate. Do I have to cooperate with that, even if I think it's wrong for our family?

I have been giving him a lot of space. It's been a long time now since I said ILY or suggested we do something together or done anything a couple would normally do. All it is doing is pushing him away further--yet asking for affection and attention seems pathetic and needy too.

My D11 is not in good shape these days either. She is prone to depression herself and even though she doesn't know exactly what is going on, she clearly senses the discord between H&I. However, I think a D would make her worse, not better.

How do I let H go without actually helping him do so? I keep resisting when he talks about moving out and then he pulls away further and we don't talk about it again for weeks. There are real financial reasons why it would be a crazy move on his part.

What's so weird and confusing is that he also talks about the future as if he'll be living here. He enjoys gardening in our back yard and was doing that with the girls yesterday; I know he thinks he can move out but then spend time here gardening and hanging out with us or the girls BUT THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO ME.

His parents got him a bike for his bday last week and I asked him where he was planning on keeping it (since a small apt is the only option if he wants to move out). He said he's thinking about building a shed in our yard for all of our bikes.

This stuff is driving me crazy. He wants out of our M, but still thinks he can come and go from our house. This just doesn't work for me! Am I going to come and go from his new apt? No. He cannot accept that he is changing our WHOLE family life and structure. I honestly believe that our kids would only be confused by having their father leave but not leave. I hate that he acts as if I'm being "difficult" by not acquiescing to his vision for how the separation will go. I want him to be an involved father, but not on my turf. I am going to need my own space and privacy if he chooses to move elsewhere. Is this unreasonable? The cake-eating scenario will only make me more resentful, and that isn't good for the kids either.

[ddstartingover]

LMG - We ARE in the same nightmare.............only exception is that H hasn't discussed moving out, just D. Nothing has been said to kids about separation.............