St, I am not so sure I know what to change about my interactions with him.
-I try to only return calls that are neccessary. I am often thankful for little things he does and tell him so. He always says : "cool" and stops calling for a while
-I am very nice to him usually, showing I still love him and sometimes I even tell him that. And he stops calling for a while.
-I dont talk about our R. And neither does he mention much any more about it or about D.
-I ignore drunk texts or nonsense blaming type of texts usually too. I have realized that he gets more mean when I do, so now I try not to respond.
Should I be more loving and tell him I love him, or should I be distant and only love him from afar (like I have been). I feel like when I say ILY to him that he likes to hear it but stays distant. He also will be more friendly to me when I am Loving. When I stand up for myself or for boundaries of mine (such as telling him upon his last return he needs to not drink & go to the bars so much for us to be able to Reconcile)= he becomes irrational and blames me for not loving him.
I am so confused. I understand that a MLC will take a lot of time and sometimes the changes I make are gonna not make any difference to him until maybe later. I just hope I am not doing the wrong things.
Either way I know that I have changed the way I interact with him a lot since every time in our past that he hurt me I would just cry and defend myself. Now I feel like I am stronger and can try to show him love and happiness when he interacts with me nicely or just ignore it when he acts rude and state my stand. I hope you can clarify this more for me. Especially if I should be doing something different. TIPPER
Well as you monitor what you do versus how he reacts......
I wouldn't tell him you love him now. And give him smaller 'wins'. Sounds manipulative...oh well. He's being 'trained'.
What other responses does he 'like' to get from you (besides ILY), do you think?
Only give them to him when he does what you want him to do. Don't gush for him. Let him earn that.
When he's doing the right things, he gets little wins, smiles, thank yous. When he doesn't and when he's doing the wrong thing...he gets IGNORED.
He doesn't get ILY until he's really really good. Sounds terrible from our side, right. Oh well. Let him earn himself into your good graces. Only agape (God's love) is completely unconditional.
Keep a log.
Last edited by sgctxok; 03/21/0812:27 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Kissak, I am in agreement with you. My other post had a typo. Thanks for your eagle eyes. I apologize for what you're going through.
Tipper, To break OUT of the MLC come-back-then-leave-me cycle, continue to give your partner space. Use all of Michele's techniques, and see which works best. Remember, there is the LR, GAL, 180, no pursuing and/or R talk, SBT, and in setting/aiming for baby steps. If your partner left you more than once, try to remember what instigated it. With that knowledge, you already know what to do differently. Again, take a look at the KLA forum. Be open-minded to a new way of thinking.
Tipper, if he talks, just validate what he's saying. Keep your mouth shut so that he regains his trust. Validate by showing that you're listening - all thats required is eye contact, and the yes-yes nod. This is just the tip of it. MLC'ers are in a class of their own. They shift from one mood, so bounce back.
Tia, Thanks for the suggestions. I have looked at the KLA forum before and I feel like I didnt get a whole lot of info from them that was new to me. Should I buy the tapes? Or are they more for people that are piecing?
I find that he comes back when he thinks I have really moved on too far with out him. I will continue to distance myself from him and give him space & time.
Each time he left was a little bit different: -1st time: he left because he was in his replay stage and seeking out a stripper and everything that would make him feel good. -2nd time: he left because he seemed to be in a deep state of depression and tension built up as I was walking on eggshells and he got mad at me for telling him I didn't really approve of some of the people he was hanging out with & how quilty he would look when he got home from whatever they were doing. 3rd time: he left because I got angry one night and told him that I didnt think it was healthy for us to try and reconcile when he is drinking and going to the bars as much as he is. He said he would rather have that lifestyle and left again.
He is definitely the one pursuing me now again, and he is being rather nice (offering small helping hands often). I will keep at it, and just have faith and hope. Thanks, TIPPER
I will continue to distance and I will not say ILY. But I will keep saying thank you's and smiling (even though I never see him), and I will try to compliment him and validate him whenever possible. He will have to earn the next ILY that he gets from me.
I have to get better at the IGNORING thing as I often give in when he starts to send me mean texts that say that I just dont love him or accept him. I tend to cave and text him back saying things like: "even though I am really hurt I have never stopped loving you", - I know - Its not good DBing - but sometimes I feel like I cant help it. This is something I have to work at.
*Interesting fact: I have kept an ongoing Log of all of our interactions for the last 3 years since he started his crisis. I have noticed a definite pattern of his coming and going cycles. However this time it is different. - Usually after he goes, I wont see or hear from him for about a month or two, then he starts getting angry and mean and telling me he wants a D for a few weeks, then he gets really nice and helping and curious, then he says he wants to come back and work on M. - This time, I was the one that said our M couldnt work if he is drinking and going to the bars so much, so he left saying "you just dont accept me". After he left though, the pattern was different. He started calling and leaving notes in my house within the first week. Then he started being really nice and helpful. But now he is kindof being a little rude/mean and blaming.
The pattern definitely changed, I just hope its for the better. I know he is an alcoholic right now and we cant be healthy together until he realizes its a problem and tries to fix it. I just dont know if he will ever want to fix it- he seems to be having a blast living the HIGH LIFE. He even told his parents last week when they confronted him about his drinking, "that if he wanted to stop drinking, that he could" with a smirk on his face.
All I know is that I still love him with all my heart and I want our M to be better, but it seems it is all up to him, the cards are in his hands. TIPPER
I think you are on the right track. In reality even the best (and you seem to be) can use a little tweaking to get the results they want.
Michele once told me something like no matter how much the guy loves me, he isn't going to be a completely different person. (I can't remember what that is in response to.)
There are some things that the other person completely has to take care of himself (like his alcoholism)...and you just hope and pray that he does it.
I think that's true in your case. There are situations where I think folks use that as a cop out for not really evaluating the way THEY interact with their spouse.
Of course...that isn't you.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Tia, Thanks for the suggestions. I have looked at the KLA forum before and I feel like I didnt get a whole lot of info from them that was new to me. Should I buy the tapes? Or are they more for people that are piecing?
Perhaps you were not open to KLA forum since your heart was not in it? This is just an assumption, due to what you were facing. Perhaps the KLA forum did not supply the minute details on the recording. Plus, you did not have a KLA workbook, or reminder card on hand.
Yes, I recommend the KLA series. I own a copy myself. It is geared for those who are single, engaged, married, or tithering on divorce. You can use this program with or without your significant other. Another bonus is hearing Michele's voice!
One thing I noticed is that you mentioned that H always brings up that you did not support him and his business. However, upon his second leave, he said, "You put 100% in marriage." In one part of KLA, Michele addresses this. Also, the series will help provide solutions, set goals, and keep love alive!
Michele outlines what you'll learn in the KLA series. You'll learn:
<<why men who dislike "touchy-feely" relationship programs love this program
<<why knowing what caused a problem is a waste of time
<<how love illusions prevent you from getting more love in your life
<<that you can affect change singlehandedly
<<how to set specific solution-oriented goals
<<how to identify what you do right
<<how to stop doing what isn't working
<<how to keep the positive changes going
<<the Five Golden Rules of Keeping Love Alive
For couples whose relationships are experiencing more severe problems, you'll learn:
>>why divorce doesn't work
>>how to divorce-proof your marriage
>>last resort techniques for preventing divorce
I followed your posts. You have a lot going for you. You are successful, intelligent, and beautiful. You are a catch! Your tenacity and faithfulness is admirable. You do not deserve this insane, cyclical marriage. This time, let him pursue you! Don't make it so easy for him to return. You went through many rounds, and remained strong, and active. Its vital that you keep the 180s/GALs. Just don't give in when he wants to return. Play "hard to get". If your H shows interest, relish it, and remain cool. In the beginning, you don't need to show how ecstastic you are. If he comes back, keep doing "more of the same" behavior. Yes, EVEN IF he shows interest or comes home, keep up the DB'n! This must occur until a full commitment occurs. Then, you can tweak what changes to keep, and what to do differently. He needs to understand how life would be without you. He bunny-hopped more than once out of the house. Lead him towards full commitment. This time, do something different!
Your friends, and strangers notice how special you are. I do too.
Quote:
I find that he comes back when he thinks I have really moved on too far with out him. I will continue to distance myself from him and give him space & time.
You solved the equation. Now, detach and be consistent. Do not pursue or nag him. Stay away from ILUs too. Or mention it - only if mandatory. Also, its a plus that his friends cannot stand him. They were a bad influence?
You are the ONLY special, Tipper fish in the sea. Allow him to reel you in!
You guys rock!!! I dont know what I would have ever done with out finding michelles books and this forum and supporters like you.
I often second guess if what I do and say with my H is right or not. But there is no doubt in my mind that this DB stuff works. It is just not always the natural response that most would give when they are hurting so badly, but it is getting a little easier to keep it up with time.
I would like to think that I have the patience of a saint. It is one of my greatest virtues (even my H used to tell me that). I am going to keep standing strong DBing my but off. And one day I can see my dream coming true.
He keeps pusuing me, and I like it. And it may even be a little fun to play hard to get. I just hope I get that chance again for him to try to reel me in. I love fishing!!!!
I like the sounds of getting the KLA tapes, it seems I might be able to benefit from it better now than when I first looked at the forum. Plus I would like to hear the voice of the women that i feel has saved my soul from so much despair and that has givin me so much hope.
Thanks for all your advice, I cherish it, and I will keep posting/journaling as events happen. H is supposed to be coming by on Tues when I am at work to get the dogs nails clipped & to finish off the hard wood floors he just put in. I am gonna try and think of a good way to repond with thanks and compliments that can help build his self esteem. TIPPER
Thank you, Tipper fish. I'm here to help. The reasons you stated for coming here is why I believe in Michele.
Hmm...you have a man who will clip the dog's nails, and finish the wooden flooring? Keep it going! But don't allow him to swoon you overboard with two deeds. I want you to keep making baby steps towards reconciliation. Please look to the past in order to break this cyclical marriage. IF you do "more of the same", you'll get "more of the same" results! Stick to do what works! I have faith in you. If he does something nice, compliment him...but continue to DB!
