Need Help

[Kim07]

Troubled,,

I apploud you for hanging in there with your W,,she may not see it now but when she gets to a good place in her life she will understand that you had a choice of whether to take the easy way out and leave or stay and fight for her and your M.

The only reason I can say this is that back in the day(few yrs ago) I was like your wife. My H and I built our M on deception not trust b/c it had been so very badly damaged in our childhoods'. I finally understood that I was sabotaging anything good that was happening in my life, including my H, b/c for the longest time I believed that I didn't deserve any good in my life!

Your right, that doesn't excuse the bad behavior thats' been exhibited but WE ALL are not perfect and rightfully so. What a boring world this would be if we had complete harmony.

What I love about my H is that he is finally seeing, with Michele's help, and trying to understand how to rebuild a R with someone whose trust was obliterated at such an early age. He and I are just now, after 18yrs & 7 counselors later, learning about tools we can & do use to stop these cycles from perpetuating. A lot of the time, I had no idea I was being so cruel until someone tape recorded me on a regular basis and then played it back,,I was shocked and disgusted,,I cried. I am currently working on myself & realize that that will be a life long challenge. I am encouraged by Michele recognizing all the work i've done to improve myself (thats' where it starts) and eventually everyone around me,,for the better!

Everything that you have described about your W's behavior,IMHO, is not a disorder, its' about being scared to finally have to let all those yucky feelings come out of Pandoras' box to be dealt with,,she is still punishing herself along w/everyone else in her life,,,IMO shes' also trying to protect her inner core from anymore hurt,,,shes' lost and has no direction,,,sometimes trying to do the right thing but getting discouraged when it doesn't go right ( a perfectionist maybe). Sounds like she has lost faith in everyone around her(not a good place to be).

I can see you love her very much but indeed you need to follow those 12 steps and adhere to the rule of 'NOT enabling bad behavior'~~Easy to say,,,hard to do! Reading your posts, I have no doubt you can do this but it is ultimately your choice,,

IT IS YOUR LIFE,,only you know whether its' worth it to stay. You have tried for a long time it sounds like, I commend you for your stamina and bravery,,now its' time to face some truths:

'We cannot change anyone but ourselves',,the good news is that when other people around you see the positive changes, they want to be part of that too and that may be the catalyst to get things started on a positive note.

NON-PROFESSIONAL-IMO-Advice:
1.)Be careful,,blood is thicker than water.
2.)Get counselor W is comfortable about
3.)IF appropriate, suggest to W's C that your W read
'The Courage to Heal'
4.)Be loving & respecting when setting firm boundries

Just my 2cents worth,,I hope all goes well,,hang in there, it will get better.

Sincerely,
Kim
4.)