I feel like a bomb just dropped... Don't even know how to take this.
At breakfast W and I talked about our plans for the day. Neither of us had any. It was a beautiful day so I suggested golfing. She said that sounded like fun but wasn't sure. She didn't look me in the eyes and I've been finding that's her give away for when she's lying. She HAS plans but I just pretend I don't notice she's lying.
Later on in the day I text her to see if she's still interested. She says no (not a surprise). I text back to tell her to have a good day. Then she drops a bomb... first mention of OM in weeks.
She says she'd made plan earlier in the week to go to a monster truck rally with him tonight(had NO CLUE she is into monster trucks). She says she feels bad for telling me but she wants to be honest. She says she feels guilty for going because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings or me anymore than she already has. She says she's put me through enough. I text back and say that she shouldn't feel guilty because I know where I stand and I'm glad she could be honest with me. I told her that I feel like she spends time with me out of guilt and that's not right. You should only do it because you enjoy it. Then I suggest we spend more time apart. She sends one back about how she DOES enjoy spending time with me and that's why she does it.
At this point I call her, she's crying when she picks up the phone. She answers as if she expects me to be angry or sad. Instead I very calmly and supportively told her that I felt terrible for her. We talked about how she is feeling so conflicted inside and how she is in an emotional hell. I told her that since we'd been spending more time together I was starting to get feelings for her again and that since she is still seeing OM it's best that we spend more time apart until she figures some things in her life out(figured it would come down to this eventually). She was sad through all of this. I told her to cheer up and try to have a good day. She said she didn't even think she'd go to the show anymore (Pretty sure she'll still go). We lighten up the conversation and said goodbye after a few more minutes. It was a GOOD talk, we got a lot of things we'd been avoiding out in the open.
This is a turning point... I don't know what to make of it.
-She's guilty, good. -She's being honest, very good -She's going to see OM, not good. -She doesn't want to hurt me anymore... good because I don't like to hurt... bad because maybe this leads to goodbye. -She's conflicted... good because she wasn't so conflicted about D back in January. -She's going through emotional hell... bad... I pains me to see her like this. -We're going to try to spend more time apart... this could be what it takes for her to miss me and want me back or it could open door wider for OM.
It actually feels like weight has been lifted from my shoulders because I have this pent up frustration from knowing she's carrying on with OM but not telling me anything to indicate what's going on there. I'm glad she was honest. I'm glad I let her know a reason for my future unavailableness. It feels like a step backward but we can't work on our M with a 3rd person involved.
I wish the best of luck to my W in making the right decision with her life. Hope she chooses what truly makes her happy.
After that whole diatribe about not seeing her so much I guess it would be appropriate to mention I'd made plans with her earlier in the week to make her Easter brunch tomorrow. We're still on for that but then after that I'm moving on.
