Interesting. You've been around these boards since 2000... what is your story? I can't seem to find an original thread for you... yet you've been here for eight years... giving advice to moderators way back in the day...
Wow. And on SSM no less... now that on one else is around.
As a codependent, I am little wary of people. Can you give me a quick synopsis of who you are (nothing identifying though) so I can think about my responses. I do actually try to look at the record of a person I am responding to, but yours is long enough that I am having a little trouble figuring our how to put the pieces together.
How has DBing affected you and your M? Are you're comments based on being in an abusive situation or are they purely an outsiders look? Do you have children to understand the complexities of dealing with children in a M? Are you male or female? (this isn't prejudice against the advise, but it makes a difference because the legal system tends to treat women differently)
Some of these are answers I can get from a typical signature.
I think that may be the essence of what the other poster was trying to get at. They just might be letting out a little aggression in their presentation because of the current dispute over the discussion board practices.
H - 47 W - 44 M - 18+ years Separated? - 4/07 S - 13 S - 15
I am a happily divorced (for 7 years) man who was married for 15 years at the time of the bomb. I have two sons, same age as yours, so I get that, of course they were younger at the time. I have seen verbal abuse first hand and I have been privy to stories of physical abuse by a couple women in my day. Like everyone else here, I have had my struggles. Like most here, I used those struggels to become a better person.
Quote:
How has DBing affected you and your M?
Well, this is not something that could ever give in a signature. DBing did not save my marriage (which is not unique here), but it helped me to learn a new way to live. It help me to accept things I can't change. It helped me to focus on them things within my control. It has helped me to continue to have a very good relation with my ex which is a blessing for my children. It has helped me change my focus from the long run to the here and now.
Now you said:
Quote:
I think that may be the essence of what the other poster was trying to get at. They just might be letting out a little aggression in their presentation because of the current dispute over the discussion board practices.
As that person said:
Quote:
I can't seem to find an original thread for you... yet you've been here for eight years... giving advice to moderators way back in the day...
How would someone who signed up 3 days ago have any idea that I gave advise to the moderators way back in the day? Maybe they should be honest about who they are and we can have an honest discussion. If you are going to get aggressive over something like a dispute on a bulleting board, you really have a problem.
Know what else I learned from DBing. I learned that if I don't like something to just walk away without anger. When I have an issue or a problem, I go to the source and do not make my business public. If my issue or problem is not resovled as I would like, I chose to live with it or walk away from it based on my situation at the time.
Troubled, I have given you some info. Feel free to ask my any question you like. But this is clearly about you as you asked the question. You can read 40 pages of my posts and get an idea who I am and what I think.
Thanks for the insight as to who you are and your situation. It provides a little background for your advice, questions and comments. I was a little overwhelmed trying to weed through the 40 pages.
I have been burned too often in the past 18 years by people giving advise when they don't have the experience to back it up. It is easy to have hypothetical solutions, much harder to have real ones.
My situation is a combination of many. Both MC and my IC have told me my wife has a personality disorder. Her IC has implied it to me, but obviously can not make an outright statement. (comment something like: you know if your wife really is ____ then it will mean that there will need to be changes in the relationship) This is not an excuse though for me not responding appropriately. Learning what is appropriate and not is where I am struggling right now.
There is a site that describes the sequence of how a codependent person deals with things in a relationship. I found it fits my situation pretty well
1 - Say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people. 2 - Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they would never do. 3 - Let others hurt them. 4 - Keep letting others hurt them. 5 - Wonder why they hurt so badly. 6 - Complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there. 7 - Finally get angry. 8 - Become totally intolerant.
Right now I am cycling through all of these but am struggling. I can see that I jump from step 8 back into the cycle. I am looking for a balanced step 9 to head towards healthy again. I am just starting to get some boundaries in my life and sometimes they can become 'intolerant walls' instead of boundaries. Maybe that is a step towards healthy boundaries, but I am a little confused. That is why I posted the goals, because they are closely related to the boundary issues in my life.
How did you protect your kids during your D. Verbal abuse is hard to prove. I have a slight advantage because I have a single documented case of physical abuse (which my W disputes). But I have been warned by a lawyer that a single incident is not weighed nearly the same as repeated (and documented) incidents.
H - 47 W - 44 M - 18+ years Separated? - 4/07 S - 13 S - 15
Know what else I learned from DBing. I learned that if I don't like something to just walk away without anger. When I have an issue or a problem, I go to the source and do not make my business public. If my issue or problem is not resovled as I would like, I chose to live with it or walk away from it based on my situation at the time.
Yet you felt the need to tell an anonymous stranger to grow up. Perhaps you're not quite as squared away as you believe.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
We all know that IMP knows darn well who he was telling to grow up - he's no fool. However all concerned should know better than to trash troubled's thread with this rubbish.
Thing is we can no longer go to the source as the moderators have seen to that - nuff said
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Know what you are doing well. You are seeking local professional resources. And I will also tip my hat to your wife for seeking IC even though it seems as if she is resistant. And speaking with your lawyer is also important. The thing you have is teenage boys who can verbalize what has been going on if need be. Anyone who is merely a poster here can give you some insight into their situation, but really isn't qualified. Heck, we can't see into your house. I am sure you can imagine what the first thougt of someone not close to you may think. I bit my tongue.
Moving forward, you do think you had a lot on your plate and many ideas to try. The best thing I can say from my pespective (which is mainly based on personal experience) is not to try to do too much at one. You are in the 12-step program and as you know it is one step (day) at a time. Do you have a sponsor?
Also, are your sons involved with the counseling? It can't hurt them.
You said:
Quote:
I have been burned too often in the past 18 years by people giving advise when they don't have the experience to back it up.
I can understand that. When I went to counseling (and my difficulties seem pale next to yours), my main source for ideas were my Cs. When I had ideas from the board, I did run it by the Cs. I found the people here were more of a reminder of DB principles such as no R talk, do a 180, change destructive patterns, make yourself happy for a change, etc.
Just to set the record straight, I don't who the person I told to grow up, but as you said, I am not a fool. Anyone who has something to say to me can start a thread on MLC.
This thread is about troubled. And troubled has a lot on his plate, more than many of us ever had.
Last night I tried a new tactic. W came home and said MIL wanted us to bring some of our children's books down for the nephew (he is a lot younger). I said, I had been thinking about needing to clean off that book shelf anyway. She started with all the things 'we' haven't done around the house. I just said that I wasn't up for the negativity. She started backpedaling fast. Then went away and sulked a little but was talkative within a few minutes.
New approach, new response. Maybe there is some hope.
H - 47 W - 44 M - 18+ years Separated? - 4/07 S - 13 S - 15
