Confused as Ever

[Snow White]

Its not my job :-)

That is what the counsellor said to me as I "justified" why I think my H got involved with OW because he needed to save her and that while I "need" H in that I love him there is nothing else I need him for as far as finanaces, help around the house ect.

He asked me if I felt I needed to save H.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

And what did you say?

[Snow White]

I didn't know what to say at the time. I've had time to think about it since. When I met H I didn't know I had to save him so I guess the answer is no. I liked him because he was fun, funny, confident(he is actually the complete opposite of this), athletic and liked the same things I did. When he met OW she was already in a situation of needing to be saved.

People are like onions right, the longer I was with him the more I saw of how his past(his childhood) and his family life have effected the person he is today. He is a very insecure person with very little self confidence. He had a very hard time finding a job after he finished working at the store I worked at(it was seasonal) because he is poor in interviews and the more you have and fail the less confidence you have. I have always thought he deserved better than the job he is at and have tried to encourage him to look elsewhere, demand more as far as managing ect. I am beginning to think this was viewed as me not thinking he was good enough.

I was still in university when we met, we were more equal, there was no saving, I was a cashier. But I have grown I would say a lot more than he has. Now as far as today, yes I take all these things into account and I do not excuse my H for his actions but I feel like there is more to the picture - I guess there is to everyone's sitch. Maybe by making these excuses for him I am taking all the focus off any chance that it could have been something to do with me :-)

[Snow White]

I had a dream last night that I thought was odd and fitting to be analyzed. Actually unless it is one of these things like in Tarot where Death is good because it means change, it seems pretty blatant what this dream is about.

Currently my parents are on vacation. Somehow my family along with some of my extended family ended up at the vacation place to go out to dinner. To get to the dinner you had to take a boat(like we did in disney). When we got down to the boats they were very small and we could only go in small groups. Everyone grouped together leaving my sister and I alone. Neither of us knew how to drive. My H got in a boat with some other people and there were no more seats. Someone finally came over to drive our boat but there was no seat for me, I had to stand on the back platform and hold on to the rail. I also had my daughter in my arms, so I could only hold on with one hand and onto her with the other. The boat was going so fast I felt like I could not hold on to either and I was crying for help.

[karen43]

I have always thought he deserved better than the job he is at and have tried to encourage him to look elsewhere, demand more as far as managing ect. I am beginning to think this was viewed as me not thinking he was good enough.

I did that too with my H! I regret it now, but it wasn't that I thought he wasn't good enough, I just wanted him to be happy, appreciated, and less stressed out. But H hates to leave jobs ever, so I'm sure that was constantly annoying to him!!! If we ever reconcile, I would not want to do that anymore... Karen

[Snow White]

I regret it too, especially since OW was kind enough to point out that it bothers H that I make more money than him and that the people at his work(and hers) tease him about who wears the pants in the family.

[Emily28]

I am really looking forward to it but it is hard to picture if H and I are still together how he is going to handle it. He has never ever told me I can't do anything but I do very little. As you can tell from my previous posts he does have a social life, and often comes home quite late.

I agree with Puppy on this one, you are worry about your H too much still dear.
Work on detaching a little more, which I know seems impossible you want to hold on for dear life in fear that if you give an inch they'll take a mile...


WORRY ABOUT YOU FOR NOW, the rest will fall in!

[Snow White]

Last night I decided to go out for a little while again. H had already made a point of saying all week that he was going out. My best friend who I never do anything with called to see if I wanted to go with her to a birthday party at the local legion. Called my niece asked her to come over. H was suprised and asked a few questions. He left to go where he was going and texted me the entire time until he got there. I left a bit later and was home first, so I could relieve the babysitter and set out the eggs. H sent a text about an hour after i got home to see if I was there and say he was on his way. Texted me a few more that I didn't get for some reason until after he was home, he wondered why I wasn't responding. I had a decent night, I can't say it was actually fun but that is more my mood. It was better than staying at home worrying, at least the time passed quicker. It did bother me that H did not contact me the whole time I was out, the last couple times he did. I know I am not supposed to be concerned about him, but it is still a moajor part of my thinking process. I wonder if he was where he said he was.

This morning I am very dissapointed. D came in our room and woke us up at 7:30 to look for the eggs. Well since she wasn't really awake she then came out looked around in a circle, sat on the floor said there was none and pouted. I saw her look directly at some but she was too grumpy. She then layed back down on the couch. H said if she isn't looking I am going back to bed. She came in happy about 10 min after. I got up looked with her. She was loud. H is still in bed it is after 10. I think he is just avoiding us. I am actually wondering if he wants me to get mad so he can take off.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Button-pushing. Don't respond to him.

I'm curious, why do you both text message each other so much when you're out, but largely ignore each other when you're both around? I think the text messages are some source of control/comfort for him, and I think therein lies your best leverage point. Were you to simply stop responding to them, other than the occasional courtesy responses (example: let him know you're safely somewhere, IF he has asked you to do so), I think it would go a very long way.

Happy Easter, Neecy!!!

Puppy

[Snow White]

Happy Easter, Neecy!!!

Puppy

Happy Easter, hope you have a really nice one, and everyone else on here too!


Puppy, I agree with the control/comfort idea. We actually do not ignore each other when we're both around except if H is miserable which, i used to engage but now ignore, and is slightly more common lately. In fact for the most part H wants me right by him whether it is playing on the computer, watching tv ect, he is not much of a talker but he wants the companionship. Now when he has ignored me in the past is when he goes out, he could care less what I am doing(cause it was always nothing) or what is going on at home.