Oh my there is debate within my thread. Interesting.
Well all, we are home from our trip and I am very happy to be home. A trip away is nice but 6 days with 2 kids, one of which being a cranky 5 year old wears on you pretty quickly.
H and I spoke and texted more today and it again was very friendly and upbeat like yesterday. ????? I can only hope maybe he is wishing he hadn't filed the legal seperation papers and/or is having second thoughts now that he knows I slipped and slept with someone else out of weakness. However I can't try to analyze it.
Trying to make my list of things to do and not to do regarding my M and with everyone's help I am struggling through it all.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Glad to hear you made it home from your vacation in one piece.. and that you had a nice time! I can't imagine how exhausting it would be to have 2 children to watch over for that length of time.
I'm not going to comment on the PA.. I don't really have any insight that may be useful...
I havent posted before but I follow your sitch, from reading your helpful comments on RTLs thread.
I think you answered your own question MMB...you said it was emotionally horrible and ...well, you started out full of bravado about it, a friend with great benefits etc..then ended up sounding a tad regretful. It made me sad to be honest to read it. I hope you are ok. If the subject comes up with your H again, perhaps you can express regret over it, or be honest and not tough it out and pretend like its so great to have a f*** buddy, because perhaps it isnt.
Also..sounds like a no strings thing for both of you, reading between the lines there..is he M or separated too this man? Cos that would make it more complicated and not a good idea I guess. I speak from experience, I had an EA that tipped into a no strings nearPA for a short while, we were both attached. What seemed like a great fun arrangement at the time turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life and the guilt and fall out from it were definetly not worth it. I told my BF in the end too, he also said he would kill him for hurting me (so I think your H must still have feelings for you as this is what he said), but the OM never told his GF. He went on to marry her and she never knew. Which I thought was terrible, but thats another story.
Are you having C? It may be better to explore the hurt and rejection there than go and act it out with someone. Its interesting that your H wanted all the gory details, it may have dented his ego that you could have "moved on" so quickly. But of course you havent in your heart. I would pull back from this friend pronto and maybe pull back from your H. I wish you luck this week. Its a week of truth.
Ali x ______________ Me: 37 H: 34 T: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
There is regret in my heart over the PA. No the PA is not married or attached.
I have decided to pull away from the PA person and actually he has made that very easy to do with his behavior so a lesson learned for me.
I don't think H is concerned over me moving on so fast...he realizes and even said he understands how leaving me could do such damage to my feelings of being a desireable woman and feeling like I can't ever have a companion again. It is difficult to be with one man for 19 years and never anyone else and then that man is gone. I felt like I would be ALONE forever because I lack the skills to date, etc... And really those things shouldn't be even a thought in my mind but the lonliness and the feelings of rejection from H are so overwhelming.
I do go to C and she suggested against getting involved with PA because I am too vulnerable right now. So I didn't listen to her or the little voice within me saying RUN the other way...lol. I know you suggest pull back from friend which I HAVE done but to also pull back from H. Why H? He seems to want to be in more contact with me now since filing the papers and finding out about PA. He has been talking to me like a real friend for the first time since he walked out over 3 months ago and I am soaking it up but not being overly exuberant about it.
I just sit back now and wait to get the papers. He didn't pay the extra money to have a sheriff serve them but could have them certified mailed or have a third party serve me with them. I would die if his mom or dad served me. He filed on grounds of mutual seperation which it obviously wasn't but I tol dhim I would not contest that. I want to give him the freedom he so desires and become the girlfriend he wants, the one he can confide in and talk to and maybe eventually become intimate with.
Like FG said this is now my time to SHINE and I am trying to get on that shiney path so I can live it. I just had a major bump in the way I couldn't get over so I had to go through it.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
It is amazing how 2 people can read what someone wrote (Me and You) and come to the same conclusion. Yet we express it in two completely different ways. Shocking!
"you started out full of bravado about it, a friend with great benefits etc..then ended up sounding a tad regretful. It made me sad to be honest to read it. I hope you are ok."
Let me put this into FG for everyone to see.
She was full of "Crazy" then ended up with NFC.
Now you will see my thought is exactly the same. I would have never come up with what you wrote on my own.
I know she is OK. She (MMB) just has to realize that the way she is doing things (Trying to communicate) is not working. Everything she is doing/saying is colored with her emotions (Craazy). Her emotions are coming from "him" and what he has dome. Or at least she thinks they are.
It did not make me sad. It almost makes me "angry". I know the person I am talking to is smarter than that. They may try and convince me that they are not. I know better.
Why does it surprise you that her husband wants the gory details. To be honest he likely thinks that the answer to all that is going in lies in that. Her husband has NFC disease to. He is trying to work all this out and understand the "Crazy" so he can try and fix it. He can see that MMB does not want to move on what he cant see is how to move past it all. Now MMB has given him another sticking point. You are kind of asking about some gory details right here.
"is he M or separated too this man? Cos that would make it more complicated and not a good idea I guess."
I see why you are asking, but in the scheme of things it really does not matter. Simple fact is she did it. The best thing she can do is not dwell on it and keep the fallout from this localized to her side.
You have walked in her shoes. You know the fallout. Now from what I read you were just BF/GF (Not Married). You have seen what can happen, imagine now, what she has to deal with, Marriage/Divorce, Kids, A house, Child support, Alimony, etc can you see now how the situation is compounding upon itself.
I hope she gets back to posting.
I hope she starts listening.
I have a sneaking feeling that she will keep posting. But we are gonna have to walk a little further before she starts listening. She is not ready yet.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I like your first post after all the name calling and controversy.
"No the PA is not married or attached."
Leave it at that. Do not get stuck in what you did. Be a little cautious of discussing here what happened. Remember this is a public forum. You are getting papers. I don't think discussing all your feelings and emotions about this situation is the best thing. Don't hide from it, just Keep It Simple.
"I have decided to pull away from the PA person and actually he has made that very easy to do with his behavior so a lesson learned for me."
He behaved badly? Really? I would have never seen that coming! The gall of some people. What lesson did you learn? All I want to hear is "No Dating"!
"he realizes and even said he understands how leaving me could do such damage to my feelings of being a desireable woman and feeling like I can't ever have a companion again."
What? Lemme freshen that up for you.
I can't believe that you would do something that stupid just because I left. You could have anyone you wanted. I just thought you would wait till we were really "done".
Can you see the NFC in what he was saying? The only thing he "understands" is what he did to bring you to the point of doing it. This is a good thing. He does not "understand" why!! Ask Lan if you don't believe me. Lan is becoming an Advanced DAM as we speak.
"I felt like I would be ALONE forever because I lack the skills to date, etc... And really those things shouldn't be even a thought in my mind but the lonliness and the feelings of rejection from H are so overwhelming."
You lack the skills to date? Reallly? I fully expect you will fall right back into it. Oh wait, You already did. Oh thats right your husband made you do it. He forced you to do what you did. No, you thought that would fix it. You applied sub par tools to the task at hand. Guess what that tool did. It broke. Now you got to dig up the receipt, go to Sears, Stand in line, explain what happened and hope they give you another tool that will break. Look at the Snap-On man (ME) standing in the door of his truck saying "I told you so".
"I do go to C and she suggested against getting involved with PA because I am too vulnerable right now."
Really? She sounds smart. I bet you paid her to say that. Wheres my Co-Pay? I will say it much different than she will. No Dating! You are an easy pickings. What is going to find you right now is, well, you already learned that lesson.
"Why H? He seems to want to be in more contact with me now since filing the papers and finding out about PA. He has been talking to me like a real friend for the first time since he walked out over 3 months ago and I am soaking it up but not being overly exuberant about it."
He is in what I call "Fast Forgive" mode. He is applying his sub par tools to the situation at hand. He is looking for a fix in the wrong place. All this is going to do is confuse the hel* out of him and likely make you mad. Lan pay attention. The more he drives at the situation the less you will want to talk about it. You are going to feel like you are going over stuff over and over. What he will think is the issue is not the issue. I will guarantee if you pull back a little he is going to come at you hard. Again ask Lan if you need someone to verify. Weirdly, you are gonna take some of his control away. He is not going to like this. You will. Some time will pass, some drama will ensue, but if you keep it up, you can start dealing with the real issue at hand. How can we communicate better.
Stop dwelling about the papers. They will get there when they get there. You have the direction you need to go with that. I am pretty sure that was quite clear. I went back and read it just to make sure. I know you are slow learner and all.
It is your time to shine. You think that was a bump. You are on the kiddy ride at the fair right now. I cant wait until you till you get on the Griffon. (Thats a ride at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg). I like to ride it with my hands up. Im standing in line waiting on you. Your late. I'll hold you a place in the front seat. Its one hel* of a ride. I have been there and done that. You can hold onto me and scream if you like. I don't mind.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I will come on later and reply to your posts. I had to come read quickly before going to get the weeks worth of mail at post office and getting dog from kennel.
Stay tuned...this slow learner is ready for special ed class with Professor Gump.
p.s. we have been to BG many a time and H loves all those rides. I personally don't do them but have obviously given myself a front row seat. BG is only about a 3 hour drive from here in lovely southern Maryland.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
He is in what I call "Fast Forgive" mode. He is applying his sub par tools to the situation at hand. He is looking for a fix in the wrong place. All this is going to do is confuse the hel* out of him and likely make you mad. Lan pay attention. The more he drives at the situation the less you will want to talk about it. You are going to feel like you are going over stuff over and over. What he will think is the issue is not the issue. I will guarantee if you pull back a little he is going to come at you hard. Again ask Lan if you need someone to verify. Weirdly, you are gonna take some of his control away. He is not going to like this. You will. Some time will pass, some drama will ensue, but if you keep it up, you can start dealing with the real issue at hand. How can we communicate better.
Stop dwelling about the papers. They will get there when they get there. You have the direction you need to go with that. I am pretty sure that was quite clear. I went back and read it just to make sure. I know you are slow learner and all.
It is your time to shine. You think that was a bump. You are on the kiddy ride at the fair right now. I cant wait until you till you get on the Griffon. (Thats a ride at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg). I like to ride it with my hands up. Im standing in line waiting on you. Your late. I'll hold you a place in the front seat. Its one hel* of a ride. I have been there and done that. You can hold onto me and scream if you like. I don't mind.
OK so you suggest:
1. I pull back from H even though he is initiating communication...???? Why? Honestly FG I don't get this one. If he is initiating the talking why shouldn't I talk back and be opne with communication? Ok I get the part about oh let's say maybe not share everything with him.
2. As I pull back some drama will ensue and maybe even some quiet time but then and only then we should be able to deal with how to truly and effectively communicate with each other? I am at a loss still as to how he and I could communicate better than what is happening right now.
OK, another issue now. He has informed me that he wants joint custody of the kids and filed as such on the paperwork. True I haven't seen the papers yet as he has not had me served yet so I am not doing anything until I have them in my sweaty little hands. This however is an issue I can't accept. You see he claims to be living at his parents home although he rarely spends any time there. So his parents, both in their 50's, are being expected by him to provide housing for his kids half the time and his mom will be expected to wak my kids, make their lunches, drive them to their school in their school district here, then pick them up from school and sit them until he gets home from work at 6 or 7 p.m. No flipping way will I go for that. My kids have a fine life here with me and go to school on the bus with me taking them with their lunches to the bus stop and being home in time from work to get them of the bus and they have their own rooms and their routines. No sitters needed. I can't imagine a judge will go for this but who knows. H and I have been handling the kid stuf fine so far and he has never been denied time with them when he has asked and I have offered more times than I can recall for him to have them more and he doesn't want to. Now he wants joint...hmmmmm....
Anyway, such is life...I am trying really hard to develop the skills to be the girlfriend and not the wife. The friend he can talk to and not be afraid will blow up at him for an idea or suggestion like Queen B wife used to do.
To prove to him that I am not the Queen B I used to be I told him I would make sure to get the real estate agent here within the next couple weeks so we can get the house listed since he has mentioned more than enough times that he simply can't afford to keep paying the mortgage since the pay cut. I want to give him the relief from that stress and in doing so willingly without be a Queen B about it I hope he will see that I really am trying to make this work for us all and help him without forcing my help on him.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
