I agree, all good thoughts. I have indeed asked her everything you pointed out, Dom, she just says she doesn't know...too much noise in her head.
She says that when I am around, she feels herself reverting back to old thought patterns and behavior patterns...plus she says she feels like "it'll all be OK with us" when we are together, but she is confused by her feelings of wanting to stay away. Being on her own apparently will give her clarity on what she wants. ACK!!
Treeman, she wrote it this morning, about 2 hrs after I left her.
I still think we will end up together, because when I get a peek behind the curtain I can see that she misses me, misses us, and has some fear about going forward on her own.
The tone of the email above is a little harsh...but that's how she is on email. I'm not looking through rose colored glasses when I say 98% of the time she is absolutely sweet and affectionate toward me.
One thing I forgot to mention from last night, when she had half a bottle of wine in her. She said "you're right under my nose, aren't you?" Cleverly, I said "Huh?" She said "Everybody I know tells me the best thing in my life is right under my nose. What am I going to do with you?" "That's up to you," I said "but I have a few ideas".
I have time to let her figure out whatever the hell she needs to figure out. I have lots to keep me busy!
Mink LN is right you have said it once now let it lye. if a woman is scared she will take that as massive pressure. I just told my wife a few days ago that i was kind of on the fence right now. I ment it as i was taking a step back. she took it as i was about to give up.
That's it Mink. i find with all these ladies weather it mine, yours, fish's thay all go back and forth. They are very confused, in pain and afraid to make a mistake. Mine asked me a million questions when i went out tonight which is the first time in a long time she has shown any interest. I thought your wifes e-mail was suprising, but you cleared it up by saying that is the way she is on e-mail. Your doing great buddy. i wish I was as far along as you. i would love nothing better than to run up stairs right now and jump into bed with her. Yet i will find myself in my cold lonely bed. I will sleep well thought. Good night.
She says that when I am around, she feels herself reverting back to old thought patterns and behavior patterns...plus she says she feels like "it'll all be OK with us" when we are together, but she is confused by her feelings of wanting to stay away. Being on her own apparently will give her clarity on what she wants. ACK!!
translation:
Something inside her wants to be "independant". When she's around you, she actually likes being with you, and no longer wishes to be independant.
So the part of her that wants to be "independant", is trying to deliberately kill her good feelings for you, by separating herself from you and thereby attempting to starve those feelings to death. Then she wont feel conflicted any more about being "independant".
Quote:
I still think we will end up together, because when I get a peek behind the curtain I can see that she misses me,...
Sounds like you may be making the assumption, "one way or another, you'll be back together". never,EVER make that assumption.
It is guaranteed to screw you up, and make you complacent, and make you miss what you need to do.
Just ask Trixi.
Last edited by Dom R; 03/22/0806:05 AM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I realize she may gather the strength to set out on her own, of course that is a possible outcome. That is why I am working on giving her space, and letting her do the reaching out. I can screw this up with one misguided action or sentence.
Dom said:
Quote:
Something inside her wants to be "independant". When she's around you, she actually likes being with you, and no longer wishes to be independant.
Yes, I think so. A few times, we have been talking, and she has said "damn, I feel myself falling under your spell again". I don't want that...I want her to feel she is a 50-50 partner in our marriage.
It helps me at the end of each day, to know that she at least considers us being together, as an option. Before, it was not.
I will never be boring or complacent again. Although I am starting to realize that this point in our journey is all about her, I am using this precious time to get back to the authentic ME, that has been buried in complacency for years.
These women are tough. Mine only wants to hurt me by placing her pain flatly on me. That does not seem to be the case with you. She seems to be working with you to work things out.
Time takes time. Don't go jumping into things so fast. That does not work. I think you will be hearing Fish soon that that just does not work.
Yes, I think so. A few times, we have been talking, and she has said "damn, I feel myself falling under your spell again". I don't want that...I want her to feel she is a 50-50 partner in our marriage.
The thing is... that may not be what SHE wants. she may not want to be a "50/50 partner". That may make her feel like "one half of a person". She may want to feel like "two individuals" right now.
Thats why it's important to eventually figure out what she is looking for, in this "journey" of hers, and then reassure her that you want to support her in the direction that she wants to grow in.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
agreed. my W seems to hang her hat on conffusion and the dreraded " i dont know how i feel" if you can fiqure out ( and not by asking mabey but by listening) what you wife sees as the problem or solution then you can take steps to affirm and move in that direction
