God give me the patience and the strength...2

[theotherhalf]

I am ashamed to tell you all what happened yesterday. But need to I guess.

"are you in for the long haul? "
I guess maybe not...maybe I don't have the strength in me...maybe I am not cut out to be a DB'r.

As long as H and I are still legally M...I CANNOT deal with him sleeping with OW. I can't just sit back and watch and do nothing. I can't just ingnore it without fighting back. Even though I believe you when you say it will only make things worse, that it will push them together more. Who I am as a person and all that I stand for, tells me to FIGHT for what was once mine. Knowing the whole time that he has been gone for a long time...

Friday am before going to work, for some stupid reason I felt the need to drive by OW's (call it a gut feeling). Well H's pickup was in her drive. I went to the door and knocked and called his phone. Told him to come out. He did. We argued some but of course he wasn't going to listen to it. I screamed to the fat b*tch to come out and face me if she's doing nothing wrong. Of course she didn't. I kicked over a stand. She come out saying " you dumb c*nt!" I kicked over another stand and she came closer calling me a f*cking b*tch. I popped her right in the eye. (STUPID STUPID STUPID) she was calling the cops. I said I hope you two are really proud of your selves and I walked out. H left at the same time. Never talked to her, comforted her, stayed to clean up the mess, (weird). He calls me, tells me how stupid I am and that HE is not paying my fine. That he works his f*cking a*s off and not going to use HIS money, that I better get a part time job, and that next week he his stopping his check from going into the bank. I just said if only you would have in the beginning just did what was right and got a divorce we wouldn't be in this mess...

I went to work and have yet to hear anything from the law. He went to BIL's and sat and got drunk till 11 am then home.

You see... my only defense (and it is weak I know) I was brought up to STAND and FIGHT for what is right. My mother would beat my a*s if I let someone walk over me. And years ago I was that person. NO one ever gave me [censored] or there was a fight on their hands. Screw me or my family over(especially another girl messing with my H) and there was hell to pay. Now over the years I have mellowed. It isn't worth it anymore. What does fighting gain? Nothing. As I matured I realized it isn't who I wanted to be. And was very proud of that. Yesterday was stupid! My phone rang off the wall as the word got around. EVERYONE!!!, my family AND H's were all calling to say "GOOD! We're proud of you, it's about time you stood up for yourself!, You should have kicked her a*s!" Well, I told them all that no, it isn't good. I am ashamed of myself and p*ssed at myself. For letting them drag me down to their level. That I should have never of done it, as it really doesn't matter anymore.

But once again, I screwed up and can't go back and change it.
I left work early yesterday and went to the bank. I took out all the money in the savings accounts. I then spent the afternoon calling around to get a lawyer. It is over...I can't let them do this to me and my girls anymore...I can't do this to myself anymore...I told him to file...I don't think he will, for whatever reason...so I guess I have to. I am waiting on numbers of lawyers. Hopefully Monday I can get in to see one. I am going to go against ALL that I believe in, go against my own word, and file for D. It's over...

And yet...I still pray for H's awakening...I still love this man with all my heart...