Financials set to be sorted.

[princess_nic]

(((Alison)))

I'm sorry you're feeling low. It's so hard when big days come around, and now Easter is here too. I think you did your bit w/ the kids; at some point, they need to decide how they want to interact with their father, and what kind of R they want with him.

I also hope the reflexology will help you. Is it warming up where you are? We are still getting snow, which is just too depressing.

Thanks for posting to me,
Nicola

[ACJ]

Thanks Nic and Vali.

Is it warming up where you are?

No. It's cold, very windy (again) and raining. I believe snow is also forecast here this weekend. I much prefer it when Easter is a little later. It's makes going out and having fun more likely.

Hopefully I am having a girly shopping afternoon with my friend on Saturday. I met her through the activity club and we are both going to a ball in May that one of the other franchises is holding. I am hoping to find a nice dress to wear for then. I got given £50 of M&S vouchers as a thank you for organising a focus group on Monday so they might come in very handy for this occassion

[ACJ]

This morning I woke early but since I didn't have to go to work I read for a bit and then fell back to sleep. I then experienced yet another very real dream about H. I could literally feel him touching my skin. In a way it was quite freaky but in another very comforting. I just wish I could make sense of why 2+yrs later when he has shown absolultely no moves home I am still dreaming of him in this way.

[Valentine]

Wish I knew why you were having dreams about H...maybe b/c it was his birthday recently...and he has been on your mind---well, like when isn't he?

Your H is still very much wrapped up in the OW and his sordid life. yOU dream of him because you still love him...that is the real reason why you still dream about him...

[ACJ]

yOU dream of him because you still love him

I hope so Vali. Sometimes I'm not so sure anymore.

Earlier today D12 realised she had forgotten Hs birthday. So had S15 but he seemed unworried about it. It seems D17 did send him a card. So D12 spent time making him a card today and phoned to apologise for forgetting. She wanted to go round this afternoon to take the card but H said he was going out. He later phoned to say it would have to be tomorrow as he was going to be out most of the day. I could tell she was disappointed. I gave her a hug. It's all I could do.

About half an hour ago she phoned him again and he is now back home so she asked if I would take her round there. Of course I agreed although I don't like going to his flat it hurts too much. I made her check that he wasn't expecting her to just drop off the card and go. I didn't want her stranded. She came back a few seconds later and said she is staying for a while. This will be very hard for her b/c due to her not liking OW she hasn't been for getting on for a year. I'm hoping H will bring her home as I really can't face going there twice in one night.

It did give me an opportunity to see that his flat is still on the market. I know he was asking a silly price for it and no-one had even been into the estate agent to ask about it. I don't know if they have dropped the price but previously he told D17 that they could only afford to move if they got the price they were asking. I assume that he is hoping to get some money out of me from the financial settlement so that they can move. Meanwhile I hoping he is going to sign the house over to me like he has been saying all along he is going to do. We will have to see which L is best at getting what their client wants.

[ACJ]

D12 is back from Hs now. She said it went ok but there were a few awkward silences. She said he isn't displaying the card I made him. No surprise there then.

[cat03]

hugs)))))))))))))) thinking of you, how kind of you to remindthe kids of his bday when you didn't really have to. YOu are in my prayers, hope you feel better))

[ACJ]

Last night I sobbed for the loss of my M. It didn't last long but I could keep it in no longer.

This morning I am in turmoil b/c for the first time ever I have asked myself why I am still standing. I can't answer. My H doesn't deserve me and yet I know that deep down I still love him. That alone should be enough but I'm not sure it is.

I know no-one can give me the answer. I just needed to vent.

If my children ever get up I am taking them to look for fancy dress costumes for D17s 18th birthday party. Later I am supposed to be going shopping with my friend. I'm not sure I am really in the right state of mind but I know if I stay in I will just go stir crazy.

[jmw]

ACJ,

You will end up having a fun day, make sure you get yourself a fancy dress costume, something that really makes you stand out, I know it's your daughters party but being her mum you can play your part.
Has H sent an RSVP yet? Has he accepted OW is not invited. Make sure she doesn't gate crash in desguise.

When D proceedings first start it is like having had the bomb drop again, and each time there is a dispute it is upsetting because as LBS we find it difficult to accept that the person that once loved us is prepared to be deceiptful for their own personal gain, that they are prepared to take from their own children.
Basically this is what they are doing but some way, some how they have allowed themselves this entitlement.

I have felt similar pain, you have heard people say that it gets easier, believe me it does, that grief becomes less, the time it takes to get over it becomes less. I'm at the stage now that I do still over react when I recieve news, I blurt it out, but then deal with it, reply to my L more or less straight away and treat it merely like I would a complaint at work, recieve it, sort it, shelve it.

It's the bits I can't resolve that hurt, but I have come to a point where I accept that I cant fix the matters, initially the thought of that hurt, but again less and less.

I do love H very much, I now believe I will never stop loving him, but the fact is I don't like him, and I do not want to be married to a man that I don't like.

I have family that I love but don't like, I am polite to them but thats it, because let them any closer and they take advantage, I set my boundaries for self protection.

It is sad but I have had to do this with H, I have been a friend, I will always keep the door ajar, he will always be welcome in my life, but it will be my decision as to how big a part he plays if he ever takes the step to return. This is not the controling part of me speaking, this is the self preserving part of me protecting me and my family speaking.

Basically we reach a point in the greiving process where we accept, I am at that point, you have always travelled slightly behind me so I guess you will be at a better point soon.

Enjoy your day, choose to make it a fun day. It's your H that is missing out and he made that choice, remember we have a choice in all of this.

[princess_nic]

(((((Alison)))))

I've nothing to say that can help, so I will just send you lots of love across the ocean.

Love, Nicola