Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Mike,

Really? I'm surprised by your comment about cuddling being the greater expression of love for you. I don't know if that's true for my H, but I'm not going to over analyze it - he was very tired and so was I.

Yes, you did the right thing w/ your old friend. But wasn't it nice to hear that she found you attractive? And wouldn't it be even more wonderful to hear it from your W? But you have definitely come a very long way w/ your W from a few months ago. It's so hard to see the changes happening day by day, but when you step back far enough, you can see the changes that happen week by week or month by month, and in the long run those are the changes that last, those are the ones you want to be paying attention to, the ones you will trust. Anything that comes too easy would make you feel suspicious anyway, wouldn't it? Which is why you're saying that you would want to date your W for several months b/f moving back together again.

I think as long as you are supportive of your W (just not the D) and keep listening to her, you may be able to do what you once thought was impossible. You already know that you have to be really patient w/ your W, and you have detached. You seem to be changing your way of communicating w/ her in a way that is working. It all sounds very good to me, but baby, baby steps is the way you will do it.

Today I spent the day w/ D7 having a girly day - had brunch & went shopping. It was a nice day and we had a lot of fun together. And at one point today, I thought to myself that I could do this, live w/out my H and still be content, still have a fulfilling life, maybe even find love again. I know I would always regret that we couldn't make it work, but I honestly know now that I will be okay.

And interestingly, today I did not think all that much about H, what he was doing or who he was with. I'm fairly certain that he is really working at his new job and that OW has nothing to do w/ this trip, though there is still that tiny doubt in my mind. I often feel that this doubt will always be there in the back of my mind - that is what H has done to me and to us. He has destroyed the innocence of our R, the unquestioning trust that I used to have in him. Likely I will never trust anyone that way again, and that does make me a little sad.

But I think I've reached a new level of detachment, something I've been striving for for what seems like forever. It's as though at first I was baffled as to how I could possibly detach, then I was "acting as if" I was detached when around H but going crazy when I was alone, then I was "acting as if" when I was alone too. And now, I'm not even trying all that hard anymore - it's just happening. If H is around, if he wants to come see me or spend time w/ me, okay, though there are many times when I have other plans. I'm going to maintain our verbal custody arrangement, and when he has D I usually don't see him - I do things on my own or w/ friends.

And I'm making new friends, being much more outgoing and less reserved, opening myself up more. I'm doing this w/ both women and men, and it's been really good for me. I've always envied those people who are effortlessly friendly and I have always wanted to be that way myself. In the past I've been very private with a really small circle of friends and I really want to change that. I'd love to have my phone ringing off the hook w/ people asking me to do things w/ them. Of course my D will always be very important, but I've neglected my social side for a very long time and that has not been good for me. Possibly even contributed to where my M ended up.

One thing I do have to say is, it appears that H is following my list of 'baby steps signs that he wants to move back home' to a T. I don't know if he even realizes it or if he's forgotten the details of my list. It's as though he's found the recipe for reconciliation and is adding each ingredient. Part of me is suspicious of this, wondering if he thinks that all he has to do is follow the steps and everything will be back to normal. But part of me is reassured that H, having read it it black & white, is trying to give me what I need/want. The problem is we haven't really talked about anything. And as much as I thought that DBing meant not initiating R talks, this is where I think I may have it wrong and that it is now time to initiate some talking, maybe not an ultimatum, but some clues as to what else I believe we need to do to move forward.

FA